Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The c...

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

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Going back in time to Germany 1913

he was asked :would you kill Hitler if you ran into him? No! I'd buy his paintings and tell him how great an artist he is.

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

I went back in time just to slap someone

Me as a child: “I wish that I were an adult!”

What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time?

A shartcut

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

There was a point in time where I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bills

Those were darkest days of my life.

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I got home from work last night and walked into the bedroom just in time to catch my wife's secret lover escaping out of the window.

After slapping the cheating bitch around a bit, I ran out of the house to catch the guy..

"He went that way." Informed my mate, pointing toward next door's garden.

"Cheers Dave." I said, as I scaled the fence in pursuit. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

Just in time for the farmers thanksgiving. NSFW

There was this farmer that every morning would wake up and the first thing he would do is fart. Wet farts, dry farts, stinky farts, and especially loud farts. His wife would constantly tell him, “Honey, you really need to go to the doctor and have them look at that, one day you’ll end up farting you...

I was so sad I could not get to the store in time to get myself either an Xbox or a PS5.

Nobody could console me.

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.

I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full.

You can refer to me as "optimist prime."

Waking up just in time for the election

William Holsfermeyer was frozen in 1990, waiting for a cure for his fatal condition. The doctors chose Independence Day to bring him back.

\-Mister Holfsermeyer, can you hear me?.

\-Mmmmfpppffff!.

\-Yes, yes!. That is good. Let me remove the tube from your mouth. Better now?....

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A teenage girl came across an old man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane in time to a Lil Wayne song.

"Holy crap! I didn't know you'd like rap music?!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".

I wish I could go back in time and warn everyone about everything that has happened so far this year...

I guess hindsight is 2020.

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A time traveler goes back in time to force Hitler’s mom to have an abortion.

It was a miscarriage of justice.

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If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Why did the rapper go back in time to 1009?

to drop his MIX tape.

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

A dumb blonde was asked, "What item would you bring with you if went back in time?"

She said, "A calender from 2020, duh."

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

What do you call a drummer who can’t play in time?

A Russian dragon.

If someone in Wuhan could travel one month back in time, would he/she stop the epidemic?

No, he/she would be the 9th arrested for spreading false rumour.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

I love when they drop the ball in Time Square..

It’s a nice reminder of what I did all last year.

What happens when The Doctor goes back in time and meets himself?

A pair a docs

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

What did the drunk guy do when he went back in time?

He slept an extra hour.

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured i...

A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return, he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally, r/jokes still exists


He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to, he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't ge...

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

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What do you call traveling back in time and having sex with your ancestor?

Ancest.

I wanted eggs for breakfast but I was short in time.

So I had to scramble.

Happy Fathers Day.

What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest?

Miss Deadline.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

The doctor to the patient, you came just in time!

The patient curious: "Why, is it that bad?" The doctor relieved "No, tomorrow it would have been gone!"

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

The best way to go back in time is to walk around a campground.

Before long your sure to be past tents.

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I haven't paid the exorcist in time.

They were so pissed they came back and repossessed my house.

When I find myself in times of trouble...

When I find myself in times of trouble /

Mother Russia comes to me /

Speaking words of wisdom... /

covfefe!

Have you ever wanted to travel back in time...

Just so you can hand out a few well deserved condoms?

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization

It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Me: How many did you see?

Dr. Strange: Fourteen million six hundred and five.

Me: Did I win any arguments with my wife?

Dr. Strange: ...One. ...

Why was the computer programmer who was sent back in time to 1700 disappointed?

Because it was all baroque and no byte

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A poop in time

Patient: Doctor! You have to help me. Everyday at 8 am sharp, I poop!

Doctor: So what's the problem?

Patient: I wake up at 9!

After sitting through the movie 'A Wrinkle in Time'

Guy 1 - This movie sucked.

Guy 2 - Yup, the book was better.

Guy 1 - Which book?

Guy 2 - Any book.

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

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What do you call a dog travelling back in time to sniff its own butt?

A pair o'dogs

If twin ducks travel back in time and have a threesome with their mother on the day they were conceived...

...do they create a pair’a’ducks?

Hello everyone. I'm using Internet explorer so I hope this gets out in time.

Happy New Year 2006

TIFU by not waking up in time to go to a funeral

Then again, I have never been much of a mourning person

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In times of economic recession

A blow job is better than no job

Why can't you send one of your three ducks back in time to kill himself?

Because then you'd have a pair a ducks

I heard there was a bombing in Times Square.

But it was just Mariah.

My friend fell off a cliff and I was just in time to grab his rope.

It was a tense situation.

What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?

I'll be Bach.

If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition.

I heard the women had nice racks.

What do you get when you send a duck back in time to meet itself?

A pair-o-ducks.

A scientist travels back in time to ancient Babylonia to see the beauty of the Hanging gardens...

...after trying to impress the King by demonstrating magnetism between his crown and a magnet, he finds himself in big trouble.

In court, the people are mixed about what his punishment should be. Some see him as a valuable ally while others see him as a dangerous threat. The kind and generous...

My collegue just threw my punch card at me, I ducked just in time!!!

But I almost got clocked out!

I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time

She ducked my sick

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Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time y...

Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground?

He was a Métro gnome.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

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