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Simultaneously Jokes

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously...

Needless to say, I was shocked.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer. The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks the second mathematician.

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remark...

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I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

What is simultaneously a boy and a girl?

A cowboy

What is the worst combination of 2 diseases simultaneously?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer's. You’re running, but you don’t know where to!

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I read a poem about masturbating and crying simultaneously

It was a tear jerker

What happens to your body when you sneeze and fart simultaneously?

It takes a screenshot.

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

Me, practicing my comedy routine and my favorite Central Asian sport simultaneously

*\*crickets\**

A Sheep, a drum and a snake simultaneously fall from a cliff...

Bah Dum Tss

Why is having multiple partners simultaneously not love?

Because love is always <3

What do you call a room of geniuses who've simultaneously had brainfarts?

A Stink Tank!

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3 men died simultaneously, and went to heaven

They decided to share their last minutes on earth before moving on, so the first one started by saying:

So I was near my house, driving my Ferrari, and I saw a male figure in my bedroom, so I rushed in to see my wife naked, I looked down and saw a man trying to steal my car on the way, so I g...

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains that she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying. The doctor examined her and turns to her husband.

"It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously?

By feeding the poor to the hungry.

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Me reading ScienceMag: It's impossible to feel happiness and fury simultaneously.

Girlfriend: "You know... - Out of all your brothers, your dick is the biggest."

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

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What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day?

Pooping

What is simultaneously the best and worst thing one can hear at the dentist?

These are the best looking teeth I've ever come across

How do you make a weiner go soft but simultaneously make it experience hard times?

Sentence it to 21 months in prison.

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(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

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So a vegan crossfitter and a homophobic priest simultaneously walk in to a bar..

Then they both went to the hospital for head wounds.

One blonde says to the another: "Hey, let's yell simultaneously! 3, 2, 1

"SIMULTANEOUSLY!! SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!"

Did you hear the director planned to film two sequels simultaneously for the Michael J Fox 1980's time travel comedy?

He planned to make back-to-back back to the 'Back to the Future' future features!

After binge watching CNN, fox, and msnbc - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully was unsuccessful. The rope broke.

He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

There are 3 types of people in this world

Those who understand quantum computing

Those who do not understand quantum computing

And those who both simultaneously do and do not understand quantum computing

SchrĂśdinger's Russian soldier is a famous physics thought experiment,

which presents a paradox in which a Russian in Ukraine is somehow simultaneously both alive and dead.

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

Your moma

So fat when she falls from her bed she falls from both sides simultaneously.

Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.


There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this p...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

In the Soviet Union they don't play Minesweeper.

They play Oursweeper.

It involves a bunch of players who must each click on a different square simultaneously. And repeat until they are all dead.

Three blondes get stuck in an elevator

They start panicking and one of the blonde screams "HELP!"...after 30 seconds the second blonde screams "HELP!". Then the third blonde screams "HELP!". Suddenly,one of the blondes speaks up "Hey,what if we scream simultaneously?". Then one of the blonde screams "Simultaneously!"

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A stranger enters a saloon in the Far West.

When the bartender asks who he is, the stranger says: "I'm the best gunslinger in Mexico."
The bartender challenges him.
"Oh yeah? Prove it"
The Mexican replies: "I can draw a piece of art with only 6 bullets, ese".
He takes his colt out of his holster at an incredible speed and shoots ...

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Be Careful what you dream of

A Couple in bed in the morning

She: i had a nice dream this night

He: really what was about?

She: i was dreaming going to Ikea and do shoppping

He: oh nice..

She: what about you, did you had any dream?

He: yes, i was dreaming doing sex with two girls simulta...

My friend was recently blinded in an horrific skiing accident...

So please comment with your best cyclops/pirate/one eyed jokes so I can simultaneously cheer him up & take the p*ss

(This aint a joke)

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

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An Englishman, A Scot and an Irishman are sitting at the bar

Three flies simultaneously land, one in each their beers.

The Englishman says "uggh..." and fussily pushes his beer away, checking his Reddit account to see if he got it right this time.

The Scotsman grabs the fly and starts shaking it, screaming "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

The...

How to know the time

Dude 1: Yo what's the time.

Dude 2: Dunno pass me that trombone and I'll find out.

Dude 2: (plays trombone loudly)

3 Neighbours Simultaneously: HEY WHO'S PLAYIN' THAT TROMBONE AT 2AM!?!?!?

Dude 1: Broooooo...

Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

What is schrodinger’s wave?

a person may be simultaneously waving at you and waving at the person behind you. There is no way to know unless you turn behind.

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

The pact of brothers...

Jeff has moved to a new country and has settled in a new place. Around the corner is a bar which Jeff goes to check out.

Once in, Jeff orders 3 beers in a row and begins to drink them simultaneously... The bar tender thinks this a bit strange but nevertheless he is making business.

J...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...

During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.

She's waiting.

She's waiting...

The doctor emerges, and the wife ...

Ok, don't panic…

If we hold the North Pole and South Pole down simultaneously for three seconds, it'll automatically restore to factory settings.

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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents

Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant

Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?!

Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine

When I first got my licence my mother always told me...

"It's not you I'm worried about, it's the other guys." Which is wrong.... Guys aren't the only problem. *pulls down visor mirror and applies eyeshadow, and lipstick while simultaneously posting to snapchat.*

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Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.

The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"...

New job at the farm

After having been laid off at the office, Dave lands a job at a farm on the outskirts of town. Early on the first day the farmer shows him around the place, explaining the tasks as they go. Lastly, they come by the house, where they meet the farmers two gorgeous daughters.

Dave and the farme...

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A woman gets off a bus with one boob out of her blouse...

She's updating her Facebook status simultaneously.
After a while a man asks the obvious question pointing at the glaring tit "Ma'am is this some form of treatment for breast cancer?"
The woman in sudden realization yells "Oh my God! my Baby".

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

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Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything tha...

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There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of p...

A man was walking in a park..

when suddenly he noticed his watch wasn't on his wrist. While looking for it, he saw a man stepping on what seemed to be his watch, while simultaneously making fun of a fat kid. So he punched the man square in the face. "No one makes fun of fat kids" he said, "not on my watch".

Three Nuns at Pearly Gates.

So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter.

Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: "I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in".

<...

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One for him, two for her

A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Voila, a billion dollars appears. In a distant place, his ex-wife has 2 billion dollars materialize...

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Fastest Ever

On a typical COVID free for the boys day, Tom, Bob, and Joe are at the bar having a nice civil discussion on what the single fastest speed on the universe is. Bob outright says "the speed of lightning! Ain't nothing faster than the god of thunders toy". Tom being the scientist that he is doesn't hes...

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>30 pounds.

This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

----

EDIT: Thanks for the response...

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

A Pope and a Jewish Accountant die...

So a Jewish accountant and the Pope die at the same time, and arrive at the pearly gates simultaneously. So St. Peter takes the two of them to where they will be staying for the rest of eternity. Peter leads the accountant to a huge palace, with dames and a heavenly garden. He then leads the Pope to...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

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Two guys named Bob are walking by a nuclear reactor.

Bob starts talking about how his great uncle twice removed worked at a nuclear plant and grew an extra arm.
Other Bob says, "well that would be awesome, I could use an extra arm."
Bob says, "oh, I think it could only happen to me, it's in my genetics."
Other Bob gets mad. "Bullshit, I could...

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A duck walks into a bar....

"vodka and coke please" the duck says. The barman is amazed but manages to reply "do you want ice?".

"no thanks, I want to drink it quick, I've had a nightmare fighting a boiler today and need to take the edge off"

The barman hands the drink over, The duck wraps his beak/bill around ...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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You finish?

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.


After a pleasant interlu...

What is Easter?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die simultaneously and are instantly before St. Peter and heaven's gate.

"In order to be allowed in, you must tell me, what is Easter?" exclaims St. Pete.

The brunette answers first. "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!"

St. Pe...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

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