An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

An attractive young woman onboard a flight from Ireland asked the priest who sat beside her: "Father, may I ask you a favour?"

Priest: Not the hair dryer again…

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven.He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sati...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting

“FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...”

He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what’s going on.

Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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Besides humans dolphins are one of very few species that have sex for fun..

But damn, I still don't like that weird silence in the car every morning I take them back to the zoo.

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

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What’s beside the belly button of a old lady?

Boobs

An engineer is walking beside a pond...

..when a frog hops out onto the path and says "Please, sir, I am a beautiful princess. A kiss from you will release me from the evil spell that turned me into a frog!"

The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, and puts it in his pocket.

A commotion ensues in his pocket, and he takes the ...

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A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice ...

Besides eating honey... what do John the Baptist, Smokey the Bear, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They share the same middle name.

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes right into her bosom.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, i know you'll forgive me. "
She turned to him and said " And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 211"

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

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There is a fella who is talking To his body and says, I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next d...

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

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Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? ...

An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

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So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

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I was sitting at a bar beside this old guy..

After a few drinks the old guy leans over to me and says,"I fucked your mother"

I ignored him

A couple more drinks he leans back over and says, " Your mother blew me"

I kept my cool and ignored him again

A couple more drinks and he leans over and says, " I fucked your mo...

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A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

A man is having his final moments in his bed.

A man is having his final moments in his bed. Beside him were his sons Brock, Kenneth, Connor, and Dominic. He was struggling to say his final words but he managed. "Boys it's time, but before I go I want you to do me a favor. I want you all to combine the first, second, and third letters of you fir...

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You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

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I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the ...

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

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I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.

While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.

I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.

After a few minutes, his ...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

I was walking past the outside of an insane asylum the other day

and as I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I s...

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Irish man drunken toast

Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Ay...

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

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A little girl goes with her dad to the barber...

... and instead of sitting in the waiting area, she sits in the floor beside the barber chair where her daddy's getting his hair cut.

She has a small purse, and while waiting she pulls out a small snack cake and unwraps it.

The barber says to her, "Little girl, you're gonna get hair a...

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

Why parents go grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss ask...

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

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A guy walks up to a bartender with $10,000 in cash.

He says, "Hey bartender, I've got a bet for you. I bet you this ten grand that you can put this shot glass at the other end of the bar, and I can piss in it from over here without spilling a single drop."

The bartender ponders and ponders, and finally decides this is iron clad. No way he can ...

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

An old joke.

Two hunters were lost in a forest.

One tells the other, “I heard that if you fire three times in the air, that can help people to find you.”

They try that once, then again an hour later but still no-one turned up.

The second hunter says “I am not sure we should try that again.”...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey.

She stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum

And said, "I'm in the wrong nursery rhyme!"


Okay, I'll try another one...


Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie.

Along came a spider who sat down beside him...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

I've been transferred to Baltimore...

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are te...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

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NSFW : He just LOVES to fish!

A couple checks into a seedy motel and asks for the Honeymoon suite. Around 3:30am the groom all decked out completely in fishing gear comes walzing thru the lobby and headed for the door.

Overcome with curiosity the desk clerk stops him and asks, "Aren't you the fellow that just checked in a...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

The police pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder of the Motorway today.

Apparently it’s not the place to play a keyboard.

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A bear and a rabbit were strolling through the forest…

… when suddenly they realize that they both need to take a dump. So they sit beside each other and do their business. As they are finishing, the bear looks down at the rabbit and asks: “Does shit cling to your fur?”. The rabbit, confused, looks up at the bear and answers “no”. “Great” says the bear,...

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A ship wreck onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of sex, they feel guilty abou...

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

Besides their last name, what does Wiz Khalifa and the Burj Khalifa have in common?

They're the highest things on this planet.

What similarities do Donald Trump and Donald Duck have in common besides their name?

They’re both quacks.

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Jesus Returns

A booming voice descends from the heavens. Jesus has returned. “I have come to take you unto heaven.” People on earth are besides themselves with joy. “Thank you Lord,” they scream, “we are ready.” “Jews only!” He says. “But Lord, what about the millions of Christians?” And Jesus says, “what’s a...

What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

A dog is sitting beside a railroad track.

He's wagging his tail as a train starts rushing past and the train cuts off the tip of his tail. Mad and in pain, he turns to snap at the train and the train cuts his head off.

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

A Indian man walks into a toilet.....

A Indian man walks into a toilet and approaches the urinal besides a American man.

The American greets the Indian,"How do you do, mate!"

The Indian replies,"I open my zip and do, mate!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

An older man and a 16-year-old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."

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A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

Wakey wakey

Tom finally wakes up from his sleep. Stretching his arms, he turns to the lady beside him, smiled and said, "Hey, I don't know your name."

Lady replied, "Well, I don't know your name either but I do know you are definitely screwed."

With that, the examiner collected Tom's blank exam ...

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What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club?

"I don't give a flying fuck."

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"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"

"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

Tommo was a canary. [long]

Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.

Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?"

A punchline walks into a bar.

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

Why does Demi Lovato's driveway have a light house beside it?

The end part of her drive home is usually pretty foggy

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A Mexican Immigrant Wants to Cross the Border

There is a guard waiting at the border, who tells hi to go home, as he is not allowed to pass. The Mexican man refuses to leave so he sits beside the guard for over 4 hours. The guard, who has given up, tells the man that if he can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence, he can pass. Co...

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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without bat...

A man walks up to a mailman..

He went beside him and asked him..

"Hey Carl, why do you still work as a mailman?"

The mailman turned to him.

"It's not about the money, it's about sending a message"

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

A man is sitting inside his apartment, when a cop comes knocking at the door.

The man opens the door for the cop, only to find the cop staring disapprovingly at him.

"Sir" the cop starts " there have been reports about drug usage in this apartment complex. May I come in?"

"I rather you didn't" said the man.

"Listen" said the cop "I could go through the lo...

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A caravan is crossing the desert. The elephant, walking beside the camel, asks "why are your tits on your back?"

The camel, slightly bemused, replies "What a strange question coming from someone with a dick on his face!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three guys looking for a job

They come across this toothbrush seller, they ask for a job and end up getting it. Their employer tells them “ok all you guys need to do is walk around town and sell as many toothbrushes as you can, then once the days over you come back to me and tell how many you sold”, so they each get a box of to...

Please dont

I was sitting beside hot thai girl and all i could think was "please dont get erection, please dont get erection"
But she did

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor....

Besides training all the major Greek heroes, Chiron was also a doctor.

That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.

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