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An infamous stud with a long list of conquests...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

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[NSFW] Black Jack, the infamous bandit

Far in the Wild West, the people of a small town were having a good time at the local bar, when suddenly someone rushes in the door and yells

"Everybody run! Black Jack, the infamous bandit is comin' to town!"

Everyone starts panicking and runs out the bar as fast as they can. The bart...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your c...

What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

\- Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

\- Peak Achoo.

Why did Philip Zimbardo prematurely end his infamous prison experiment?

His girlfriend put her foot down and said “I can’t Stanford this.”

An infamous doctor was known for rushing operations.

People asked him why he did things so quickly, and he said: "If I didn't, I wouldn't be doctor...

I would be patient."

An infamous sleuth gets half of his deduction wrong.

He was a Defective.

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What was the name of the infamous Russian prostitute?

Onya.

Onya Backyabitch.

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The infamous dictators meet to discuss their plans

All the infamous dictators meet to discuss their plans.

They all discuss what they are going to do, turn by turn


Eventually, it is Hitler's turn. Hitler says, "I will kill six million Jews and two clowns"

Everyone asks him, "Why two clowns?"

Then, Hitler responds, "Se...

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

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There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long]

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being presen...

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

United announced they will reprimand their employees on the infamous flight.

They should have asked the passengers to turn off all electronic devices, before knocking out the doctor.

I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green.

He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.

Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

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Two men at the urinals

Standing there, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation.

"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?"

"Yes, indeed I am."

"And do you happen to be from Krakow?"

"Yes, how do you know?"

"And you always went to the little synagogue in the P...

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

Sourdough

My wife is making her infamous pickled bread this Thanksgiving. She uses that dill dough....

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General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors.

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors, one of them with a queue full of people. He asks the guy at the back what's going on.
"You see, they caught an infamous criminal and they're keeping him in this house. Officials are letting you come in and hit him. If you go...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

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My first dog was named Victory...

...because my parents never let me have a pet when I was a kid. I was so happy to have her that I took her out for walks every day. One day, we were passing the beach, and I decided it would be nice to let her go for a swim. It was hot out, after all. Unfortunately, the local beach had an infamous s...

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

You’re liking my dad’s “groan”joke. So here’s another. (Much worse)

An adventurer was out in the jungle when he came upon Tarzan. He was painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.
Although curious, the explorer returned home.
A year later he came back.
Again he finds Tarzan in the jungle. He’s painting white stripes on blac...

Hooker in Amsterdam

A man goes for a vacation with his wife to Amsterdam, he goes out alone for a drink, on a whim he decides to check the infamous red light district, while there he comes across a stunningly beautiful working girl, he goes up to her to negotiate the price, she demands 100$, he counters with 30$, she l...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

I lost my job as a waiter

Apparently, I had insulted an infamous mafia boss by taking away his plate.

He told me he was Don

I.T. auditor and a Blonde

At this point in time in the company, the periodical security audit came around. Everyone's passwords were purged and new ones needed to be implemented. As a bonus to help employees with the grumbling there was an award for the strongest password that was used without problem since the last audit. T...

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Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22

A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds!

Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go.

A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms ...

Pirate captain's red shirt.

A man wanted to become a pirate so he joined a crew. Over time he ended up becoming first mate under an infamous captain. One evening a rival ship issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt. He grabbed the shirt and they fought their rival and won. The next day two sh...

A Cowboy and an Indian

A grizzled old Cowboy and his Indian brave partner are tracking an infamous gang of buffalo rustlers through the wild west. The Cowboy stops and exhales gruffly, thinking they've lost the bandits' trail. The Indian holds up a finger to the wind. Then leans down as if listening to the earth.
He p...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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