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My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

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Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

I was going to make a Jonestown cult joke...

...but the punchline's too long.

A Scotsman joins a cult on a farm.

On the night that they are to commit mass suicide, the cult members gather in the farmhouse livingroom, and the elders send the Scotsman on one final task.

A few minutes after the he leaves the room, the members hear a loud "Moo!" from the barn. Moments later, the Scotsman returns, zipping up...

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

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What do New Zealanders and cult leaders have in common?

They fuck a bunch of sheep.

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

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A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

What's the toughest cult to join..

Difficult.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide

I'm starting a new pasta cult

May we praise the Noodle Lord for eternity. Ramen.

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

Have you heard the joke about the Jonestown cult?

The punchline is a real killer.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

The blonde is first and she gives up her baby in the name of the Jello lord.
"Oh lord, please accept this baby as my offering" and she lets her baby down and whoosh, it vanishes. She runs around in despair of what she has just do...

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

How many Scientologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on the amount of workforce initiated by the individual and the amount of money given to the cult.

I’ve been in a cult for three years

I finally unsubbed from r/politics

There is a new cult called The Order of the Follicle that worships human hair.

Shaving is considered hair-esy.

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Hey, is the cult still going to sacrifice a divorcee to the volcano?

No, they'll give it a miss.

Wanna avoid shady cults?

Just practice safe sects

What cult is run by birds?

The Coo Clucks Clan

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it’s a terrible situation, but I think there’s a lot of nuance.

I joined a Satanic cult the other day.

Just for the hell of it.

What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult

How are girlfriend like cults?

You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.

I joined a cribbage cult recently

They practice peggin' rituals

Why are there no black cults?

Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

What are the Differences between a bad religion and a Cult?

There are Nun

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

There once was a cult obsessed with male genitalia

There once was a cult that was obsessed with male genitalia.
This cult would accept anybody with a phallus, or even something resembling it in the appropriate place.
You could say that they never turned away any potential members.

What did the Cult of the Train summon?

Choochoolu

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

Have you heard of the Christian cult that thinks that the world started 6,000yrs ago in the Balkans?

Croatianists

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

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What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

Why did the trout leave the cult?

They were too sacrifishal

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

I realized I’m afraid of dying alone

So I’m going to start a cult and bring a few people with me.

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

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If your body is a temple...

Then all the people you fuck form a cult.

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?

I hear it's a real cult classic.

It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a reg...

What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common?

They all have a cult following

What kind of movies do Scientologists like?

Cult classics

If religions were movies...

...then Judaism is the prequel, Christianity is the first sequel, Islam is the second sequel, and Mormonism is the cult fan-fiction based off the first sequel but not the second.

What do you call a sacrificial pig?

Cult Cuts

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