My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Did you hear about the new cult that worships fabrics?

They're Satinists.

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

I was going to make a Jonestown cult joke...

...but the punchline's too long.

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

Did you hear about the latest Messianic cult that has sprung up around a Mexican guy in Korea?

They're calling him The Choseon Juan.

What's the toughest cult to join..

Difficult.

Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666

An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide

What's the difference between cults and the Church of Scientology?

Cults have charismatic leaders.

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

I'm starting a new pasta cult

May we praise the Noodle Lord for eternity. Ramen.

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

I’ve been in a cult for three years

I finally unsubbed from r/politics

There is a new cult called The Order of the Follicle that worships human hair.

Shaving is considered hair-esy.

What cult is run by birds?

The Coo Clucks Clan

I joined a new coronavirus cult--

The Branch Covidians

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

Have you heard the joke about the Jonestown cult?

The punchline is a real killer.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

The blonde is first and she gives up her baby in the name of the Jello lord.
"Oh lord, please accept this baby as my offering" and she lets her baby down and whoosh, it vanishes. She runs around in despair of what she has just do...

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

Hey, is the cult still going to sacrifice a divorcee to the volcano?

No, they'll give it a miss.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult

My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it’s a terrible situation, but I think there’s a lot of nuance.

I joined a Satanic cult the other day.

Just for the hell of it.

Why are there no black cults?

Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

How are girlfriend like cults?

You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.

Being vegan is a bit of a cult:

They just egg each other on!

I joined a cribbage cult recently

They practice peggin' rituals

There once was a cult obsessed with male genitalia

There once was a cult that was obsessed with male genitalia.
This cult would accept anybody with a phallus, or even something resembling it in the appropriate place.
You could say that they never turned away any potential members.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

What are the Differences between a bad religion and a Cult?

There are Nun

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

What did the Cult of the Train summon?

Choochoolu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One I came up with today.

Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacreligious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

Have you heard of the Christian cult that thinks that the world started 6,000yrs ago in the Balkans?

Croatianists

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

Who does the Metric Cult worship?

...Demetre.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

What is the hardest religion to join?

The diffi-cult.

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

Why did the trout leave the cult?

They were too sacrifishal

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

I realized I’m afraid of dying alone

So I’m going to start a cult and bring a few people with me.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common?

They all have a cult following

Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?

I hear it's a real cult classic.

If religions were movies...

...then Judaism is the prequel, Christianity is the first sequel, Islam is the second sequel, and Mormonism is the cult fan-fiction based off the first sequel but not the second.

It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a reg...

What kind of movies do Scientologists like?

Cult classics

What do you call a sacrificial pig?

Cult Cuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude... NoFap?

That is one Reddit cult I did not see cumming.

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