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Cult Jokes

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

I was going to make a Jonestown cult joke...

...but the punchline's too long.

Did you know there was a cult for visually impaired?

They follow their leader blindly

What’s the hardest cult to join?

A difficult.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

Why did the chicken join a cult?

To get to the other side.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

Did you hear the one about the cult meet and greet?

The punch line is a killer.

How do cult leaders make money?

Compound interest.

Why did the Heaven’s Gate Cult commit suicide?

They just wanted to keep up with the Joneses !

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there's always at least one person at the top who's completely crazy, or who knows it's all a scam...

In a religion, that guy's dead!

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

A Scotsman joins a cult on a farm.

On the night that they are to commit mass suicide, the cult members gather in the farmhouse livingroom, and the elders send the Scotsman on one final task.

A few minutes after the he leaves the room, the members hear a loud "Moo!" from the barn. Moments later, the Scotsman returns, zipping up...

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it’s a terrible situation, but I think there’s a lot of nuance.

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

What’s the difference between churches and cults?

Tax exempt status

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

How are girlfriend like cults?

You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

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A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

I joined a new coronavirus cult--

The Branch Covidians

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

I joined a cribbage cult recently

They practice peggin' rituals

What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do New Zealanders and cult leaders have in common?

They fuck a bunch of sheep.

Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

The blonde is first and she gives up her baby in the name of the Jello lord.
"Oh lord, please accept this baby as my offering" and she lets her baby down and whoosh, it vanishes. She runs around in despair of what she has just do...

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

I joined a Satanic cult the other day.

Just for the hell of it.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

I’ve been in a cult for three years

I finally unsubbed from r/politics

Hey, is the cult still going to sacrifice a divorcee to the volcano?

No, they'll give it a miss.

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

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A friend joined a weird cult

She found this weird offshoot of Scientology that has a guru named Evannnnn at the top. Their deal is to go through mental training to increase concentration; to try to become super human like Evannnnn. The cult can sell her a little box (damned expensive!) she will strap to her head that synchron...

There once was a cult obsessed with male genitalia

There once was a cult that was obsessed with male genitalia.
This cult would accept anybody with a phallus, or even something resembling it in the appropriate place.
You could say that they never turned away any potential members.

What did the Cult of the Train summon?

Choochoolu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

Why are there no black cults?

Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

Why did the trout leave the cult?

They were too sacrifishal

My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Have you heard of the Christian cult that thinks that the world started 6,000yrs ago in the Balkans?

Croatianists

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

How many Scientologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on the amount of workforce initiated by the individual and the amount of money given to the cult.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

I realized I’m afraid of dying alone

So I’m going to start a cult and bring a few people with me.

Have you seen that old movie about the KKK?

I hear it's a real cult classic.

What kind of movies do Scientologists like?

Cult classics

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

What are the Differences between a bad religion and a Cult?

There are Nun

What do you call a sacrificial pig?

Cult Cuts

If religions were movies...

...then Judaism is the prequel, Christianity is the first sequel, Islam is the second sequel, and Mormonism is the cult fan-fiction based off the first sequel but not the second.

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common?

They all have a cult following

It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a reg...

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