I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism.

The Police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I...

Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather

Not screaming in terror like his passengers

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end. I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.

As she flew out of the plane.

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the m...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a dog.

Waiter: ohh, why a dog?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

Americans are so lucky

Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!!!!!!!

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver speed up, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration...

The man thought to himself, "I’m so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, ...

What’s the difference between terrorism and democracy?

Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

In my opinion, if we're going to fight the war on terror

A good place to start would be our country's haunted houses

What is ISIS's favorite dinosaur?

A terror-dactyl.

The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...

So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farm...

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Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

I get so mad when I see people leaving unattended bags at the airport in this age of terrorism.

I can’t take it anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

Terrorism is a curse.

What happened to the days when you saw an unattended bag on a train or bus and think: “I’ll have that”?

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, “Oh my god, what’s happening? I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, “Yes Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry, we had to amputate your arms.”

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,...

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

The War on Terrorism....

....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.

What is the difference between an Afghan terror camp and an Afghan nursery?

No idea, I just fly the drone.

They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can.

It's all in the execution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a lion that terrorized a village

There was a lion that terrorized a village near the jungle. The villagers had tried to kill the lion many times, but they always failed. Many hunters came to the jungle and tried to kill the lion, but the lion ate them all. One time, the greatest hunter in the world came to the village. He was renow...

What do you call a dead chicken that terrorizes people?

A poultry-geist

I think my knockoff airplane simulator game was made by extremists

It crashed and asked me if I'd like to send a terror report.

my ex should be considered a terror sympathizer

because the number of foriegn dudes that have exploded in her is suspicious

Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president.

We need Batman now more than ever

Say what you will about terrorism in Europe

At least our planes take off and land at an airport.

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

There have been so many recent terror attacks in the US

It *almost* makes you wish we had some kind of national agency that could monitor people's communication and act to stop things like this before they happen

How does a mathematician want to solve terrorism?

He wants to simplify the radicals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

What's the difference between abortion and terrorism?

Terrorism is funded by the US government!

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."


At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin ...

School of Terrorism, Suicide Bomber course...

Instructor: *Alright pay attention class, I'm only gonna do this once.*

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

What did the ghost say during its planned act of terrorism?

Allaboo Akbar.

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

When the nurse does not listen

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

Satan goes to church

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they beg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stormy Seas Ahead

Officer Lanvin was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6 month long mission.

Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, they ask Saint Peter if they can ask God a question. He agrees, and soon they find themselves in front of God.

"God," asked one of the conspiracy theorists, "who caused 9/11?"

"9/11 was caused by a group of God-hating individuals who wanted to sow terror and fear thro...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

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