UPJOKE
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Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

It must be brutal trying to make legitimate phone calls from the headquarters of the Hormel Foods Corporation

Your caller ID would always show up as “Potential SPAM”

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

A warlord was looking for some supplemental troops.

He thought he found the most merciless and brutal mercenary company but their receptionist answered the phone...


"My name is Ruth, how may I be of assistance today?"

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

Is it just me, or is the US Supreme Court getting increasingly brutal?

Ruthless, even.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

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Workers are building a brutally tall chimney...

When they are almost finished, a foreman runs to them short of breath and shouts:

We are in deep shit guys, someone turned over my construction plans...

We were supposed to dig a well!!!

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack.

Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor

The job interviewer asked me, what my weakness is.

So I told him that I am brutally honest.

He acted surprised and said he sees this as a strenght, not as a weakness.

But after that I was thrown out of the building only because I replied that I am not interested in the opinion of an incapable fat bald man.

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

Why hasn't Jesus returned?

Would you want to hang out with a bunch of people who wear reminders of how you were brutally tortured and killed the last time you saw them?

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

Due to the suppression of their rights, the citizens of Ohms frequently rise up and attempt to storm the gates of the capital city. However, the dictator always has just the right number of mercenaries to repel the rebels and cause the survivors to disperse for a few months or so.

The dictat...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

This year is all about noticing things we should’ve done differently. Should’ve done more to stop the spread of the virus, police brutality, wildfires, climate change...but you know what they say about hindsight...

It’s 2020.

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A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
...

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Brutal wife

Husband says to his wife "How come you never tell me when you orgasm ?"



She says "I don't like calling you at work"

Cops are getting brutal out there. I got pulled over for changing my radio while driving!

And I had JUST gotten the old one taken out when he pulled me over.

What’s the difference between a kink and police brutality?

The color of your skin.

He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse.

He was Gladiator.

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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

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Seattle police just brutally beat a Chinese man after only asking his name.

“I have lost all faith in the local police.” Said the victim - Fuk Yu.

Yesterday was brutal. I forgot to apply the parking brake on my car...

And then it just went downhill from there.

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

My GF was brutal when we moved. Told me anything not used in the past 6 months had to go...

I just looked down and gave my condolences

A neckbeard was brutally murdered in a cornfield

It was very M'Cob

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Father’s brutal honesty

I took my 66 year old father to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. After shopping we decided to grab a bite at the food court where I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My da...

-40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius.

My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.

A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene.

Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours.

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

Two guys are sitting on a couch

watching a reality cop show. One of them says: "World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don't think I can go outside ever again."

His friend: "At some point we have to! I'm afraid the homeowners are coming home soon."

I was standing next to a guy before he was brutally stabbed.

It was a near-death experience.

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

I was looking for more police brutality related jokes.

Turns out I needed a darker sense of humor.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

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Wilhelm has just been sent to a German concentration camp.

He’s very grateful when his first day of brutal roadwork is over, but when he returns to the camp he is introduced to a strange tradition. As a sadistic joke, the commandant has forced all the prisoners to pretend to be clock pendulums, rocking back and forth and saying “tick tock tick tock” over an...

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

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Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians...

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians, and the barbarian leader says: "We will offer you two options: first option: you die. Second option: our strongest warrior will flick your dick 100 times."

Without hesitation, one of the captured says: "I'll get the dick flicking option, I don't...

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

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