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Mafia Jokes

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What does the pussy and mafia have in common?

it's a lot more fun if you're on the inside .

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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

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What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

Most countries have mafia.

In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

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Russian Mafia boss Semion Mogilevich, Japanese Yakuza boss Kenichi Shinoda, American Gangster boss Al Capone and Mexican Cartel boss El Chapo Guzman are in a plane.

They have been on a flight for hours and are all bored.

Mogilevich says: "I'm bored, let's see which mafia has the biggest balls" he looks over at one of his henchman and says "Hey I order you to slit your throat." The henchman does exactly as he says and bleeds out in front of them.

M...

What is the difference between the IRS and the Mafia?

The Mafia at least gives you protection when you pay.

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

What do you get when you cross a mafia Consigliere with a performance artist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

What's the difference between the Mafia and Price Waterhouse Cooper?

The Mafia have a code of honour.

Why did the Mafia hire a magician?

They heard he was an expert in making people disappear.

Don't ever mess with cleaners who work for the mafia!

They're all maid men.

I got in trouble with the Super Soaker Mafia the other day

I had to be put in the Wetness Protection Program

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

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Mafia man

Gino and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Gino was a very successful mafia man and was very wealthy and influential. Gino wanted to give something special to his wife for the anniversary.

Gino says to Maria “Maria, I am very successful and wealthy, and to thank you for a...

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

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A group of mafia men are playing poker

One turns to the other and asks: "What's two times four?"

"Eight" the other answers, upon which the first guy pulls out his gun and shoots him down

"Why did you do that?!" another guy screams.

"He knew too much"

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

Where does the Italian mafia live?

In the spaghetto

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.

You ask why.

Because they don't say a word when questioned.

Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?

He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

The Mafia Don's Funeral

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family hold a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words. The chief of police takes a handful, scatters it then turns away crying.<...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?

When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

Mob bosses who date both men and women are tollerated in the Mafia...

... they let bi-Dons be bi-Dons.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

You could say I was involved in very organised crime.

Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Forget about it.

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi

it would be a flash mob.

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,

but all I feel is pain.

Why was the mafia boss surprised when the Spanish hitman missed his shot

He didn't expect the Spanish Imprecision

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

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Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

What do you call a butler in the mafia?

A maid man.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?

A don-key

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

The mafia visited the local pizzeria for extortion money.

They wanted their piece of the pie.

If Caitlyn Jenner joins the mafia

Would she become a made man or a self-made woman?

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle th...

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