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two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

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What does the pussy and mafia have in common?

it's a lot more fun if you're on the inside .

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

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How is cunnilingus like the mafia?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

The Mafia Don's Funeral

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family hold a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words. The chief of police takes a handful, scatters it then turns away crying.<...

What is the difference between the IRS and the Mafia?

The Mafia at least gives you protection when you pay.

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

What is the difference between being fired from Mafia and an organisation?

One doesn’t get you live, and the other doesn’t let you die

How is the mafia more considerate than Amber Heard?

A freshly cut horse head would take a couple of days to stink up the place.

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Mafia man

Gino and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Gino was a very successful mafia man and was very wealthy and influential. Gino wanted to give something special to his wife for the anniversary.

Gino says to Maria “Maria, I am very successful and wealthy, and to thank you for a...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

I got in trouble with the Super Soaker Mafia the other day

I had to be put in the Wetness Protection Program

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I got confused with the words jacuzzi and yakuza...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

If the mafia ran a sports shop, what would it sell?

Protection racquets.

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

Where does the Italian mafia live?

In the spaghetto

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

What do you call a butler in the mafia?

A maid man.

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The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia lea...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Most countries have mafia.

In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?

He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?

When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,

but all I feel is pain.

Who is in charge of the dinosaur mafia?

The iguanodon.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi

it would be a flash mob.

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

Mob bosses who date both men and women are tollerated in the Mafia...

... they let bi-Dons be bi-Dons.

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

Why was the mafia boss surprised when the Spanish hitman missed his shot

He didn't expect the Spanish Imprecision

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.

You ask why.

Because they don't say a word when questioned.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

If Caitlyn Jenner joins the mafia

Would she become a made man or a self-made woman?

Why people in China like to play Mafia?

That’s the only time they can vote.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

You could say I was involved in very organised crime.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?

A don-key

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Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

The Italian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse.

The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday?

Forget about it.

The mafia visited the local pizzeria for extortion money.

They wanted their piece of the pie.

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle th...

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