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What does the pussy and mafia have in common?

it's a lot more fun if you're on the inside .

two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

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Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

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What do the mafia and vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

A mafia hitman...

A mafia hitman did a hit in the middle of a rice field with a porcelain doll.



It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

If the mafia ran a sports shop, what would it sell?

Protection racquets.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

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Mafia man

Gino and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Gino was a very successful mafia man and was very wealthy and influential. Gino wanted to give something special to his wife for the anniversary.

Gino says to Maria “Maria, I am very successful and wealthy, and to thank you for a...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

A guy comes up to an Italian

and says, "you are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

So the Italian told him, "No, look. Not all southerners are gangsters."

But the guy kept insisting, he said, "No, no. You are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

The Italian tried to reason with him by telling him that they ...

Where does the Italian mafia live?

In the spaghetto

The Don of the local Mafia’s phone rang

It was his favorite nephew.

“Uncle, the cops are closing in on me. I’m going to be arrested.”

“Thank you for telling me,” said the Don, “Be a good Sicilian don’t talk until our lawyer gets there.”

“What if they beat me?

“Don’t worry, it’s easy not to talk. Just sit on yo...

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?

When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

What do you get when you cross an economist with a Mafia godfather?

An offer you can’t understand.

What do you call a butler in the mafia?

A maid man.

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,

but all I feel is pain.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Who is in charge of the dinosaur mafia?

The iguanodon.

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.

You ask why.

Because they don't say a word when questioned.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?

He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

Where dose the majority of the mafia operate

In the spaghetto

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

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All of this toilet paper hoarding is going to lead to a toilet paper mafia and, eventually, Godfather

And he’ll say, “You come to me on the day of Taco Bell, and you ask me for a favor. “

Why mafia doesn't like Jehova's Witnesses?

Mafia doesn't like ANY witnesses.

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.

One of them is organised.

What would be Donald Trump's mafia nickname?

Donny Small Hands

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

Mafia informants are like good eggs.

They sink right to the bottom.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

You could say I was involved in very organised crime.

If Caitlyn Jenner joins the mafia

Would she become a made man or a self-made woman?

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The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia lea...

Take my dog out

A mafia boss and one of his henchmen are out back having a cigarette.

Boss: Listen, Vinnie, I'm getting home late tonight so around 5, I need you to stop by my house and take my dog out

Vinnie: Whoa, boss, you want me to take your dog out?

Boss: Ya, what's so hard to understand?...

Most countries have mafia.

In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi

it would be a flash mob.

Why was the mafia boss surprised when the Spanish hitman missed his shot

He didn't expect the Spanish Imprecision

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?

Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

Mob bosses who date both men and women are tollerated in the Mafia...

... they let bi-Dons be bi-Dons.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

The Italian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse.

The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

What are the mafia's most favorite noodles?

Pasta asciutta.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?

A don-key

The mafia visited the local pizzeria for extortion money.

They wanted their piece of the pie.

Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?

Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

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Why are Mafia members so good at sex?

Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday?

Forget about it.

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