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Bloody Jokes

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What did one bloody tampon say to the other bloody tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

Bloody foreigner. Coming over here...

Wanting to know what love is

The knight struts proudly into the court, sword bloody and armor covered in gore

"Sire, I have returned," he proclaims, "from my long arduous campaign, pillaging your enemies to the west."

"But we don't *have* any enemies to the west," the king says puzzled.

"Well, you do now."

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

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The bloody dog ran off last night...

I walked round the park calling his name for 30 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

My friends and I always laugh about how bloody competitive we are...

I laugh the most

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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Bloody autocorrect strikes again...

The other day I sent my best mate a text saying, 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'

I mean, how embarrassing...

I meant 'canal'

Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.

Pun in, ten dead.

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who th...

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

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How many bloody corpses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Apparently not six because my basement is still dark.

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How is the Virgin Mary similar to a Virgin Bloody Mary?

They both have zero proof!

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

A detective finds a new clue, a coiled and bloody fishing line

Turns out, it was just a red hair ring

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

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A bloody good time

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started first.

"Watch this."

He flew very fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

"What happened?" they asked.
...

"I say, this bloody coffee tastes like mud!...."

" It should sir, it was ground this morning."

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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

Bloody stupid joke.

Although I am a modern day vampire, I hate blood sausages.

They taste too irony, for my liking.

Honestly I think English is a bloody stupid language

but it's what it's I guess

What's bloody and painful and happens once a month?

Flossing

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Warrior: I will get the bloody revenge for the death of my brother!

Warrior: I will get the bloody revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: My bow will be with you!

Gnome: And my axe!

Necromancer: AND YOUR BROTHER!

Everybody: .........

Warrior: Fuck, didn't I ask you not to?.....

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, ...

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Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!”

My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”

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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”

The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Bought a new sat nav made by the band U2 , bloody things useless.

The streets have no names

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A Polish tourist goes to Australia, and orders a bloody steak.

The waiter, not to be outdone, asks him if he wants a few fucking potatoes to go with it.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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(British joke) A man walks into a bar....

He says to the bartender "Hey, if I show you something amazing can I drink for free?" The bartender agrees, and the man proceeds to pull out a tiny, one foot tall man with a miniature piano, places him on the bar, and he begins playing. "Wow! Okay your drinks are on the house, but where did you get ...

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A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week:

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question ...

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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Two eggs boiling in a pot, one says bloody hot in here, the other says.

Wait till you get out there, they bash your fucking brains in.

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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u thin...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene.

Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours.

Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all o...

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

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