UPJOKE
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Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

Why did the guy with a foot fetish go to jail?

He got off on the wrong foot.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Why was the Energizer Bunny thrown in jail?

Because he was charged with battery.

How do you get Putin into a jail cell?

Tell him it's not his

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

An irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all sentenced to jail for 25 years

They are each allowed to bring one thing into prison with them. The irishman takes 25 years worth of cigarettes, the Scotsman takes 25 years worth of whiskey and the englishman takes 25 years worth of chocolate. So the 25 years pass and they are all let out of jail. The englishman comes out really f...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"

He said, "It could have been worse"

He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"

He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the elect...

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that “there was a small medium at large”.

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail

He didn't even get to finish his sentence

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

If Hunter Biden ever goes to jail...

And doesn’t write a book called “Biden time” it would be a big missed opportunity.

The prisoners escaped from jail at night

They hear police sirens and see three trees nearby so each prisoner climbs one of the trees to hide.

The police walk over to the first tree. The prisoner thinks quickly and says
“HOOT HOOT”

“Oh it’s just an owl” one policeman says. “Let’s keep moving.”

The police come to th...

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

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A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I...

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

Why did the insomniac get thrown into jail?

He was resisting a rest.

My brother got all his properties taken way and thrown in jail last night

When he was in jail he threw feces all over the walls..

That was the last time we played monopoly.

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

To a geologist, what's the difference between rocks and a kid?

If you date a kid, you get sent to jail

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A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

Man with stammer jailed

Judge rules he is unlikely to complete his sentence.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!

A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

Women should be let out of jail after they menstruate

Period: end of sentence.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

We all have that one relative...

I'm not saying which relative…but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $800.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her ba...

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A wolf and A donkey were arguing about the color of the grass.

The wolf was saying: the grass is green.

The donkey was saying: the grass is blue.



They went to the king of the jungle to judge between them.

The lion king has ordered to send the wolf to jail.



The wolf asked the lion: isn't the grass green?

The lio...

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

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I was blessed with a 9 inch cock.

The priest is in jail now.

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

Honest witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

Why did the ghost go to jail?

For giving boos to children

Speeder

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

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40 years settled

*A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.*

*As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"*

*And the husband replies:*
*"Well, my love, what are you goin...

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

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