I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

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Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

Why did the baby go to jail?

Because he was resisting a rest.

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

So I just got out of jail..

I went in a tight end and I came out a wide receiver.

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Did you hear about that birdwatcher that was sent to jail?

He got caught robin a bank, which in our society, is a cardinal sin.

Real timid guy, too... I'm surprised he had the gull to pull it off.

I mean, I'm not surprised he got into trouble, seeing as to how he made a hobby of sitting in the bushes and staring at tits.

But I'm sure th...

To discourage slacking all retro games have been removed from jails

Officers were upset to find Contra banned in the prison

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

What do you call collecting funds to get your buddy out of jail?



Bro Fund Me.

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I am in jail for masturbating

Im busting out of here tomorrow

Whats the most common reasons why musicians go to jail?

For Hitting A Minor

Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail?

Because they always make bale!

Why did the bodybuilder go to jail?

He was caught shoplifting

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

Why did the tree go to jail?

Because it committed treason.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and ...

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

Why did the document go to jail?

It was a .pdf file.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

Why are there so many rappers still in jail?

Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Why was the person who wouldn't fall asleep jailed?

He was resisting a rest.

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

What do you say when a short psychic breaks out of jail?

Small medium at large...

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

I went to jail for plugging in my phone

It was a battery charge.

After years in jail, I finally managed to escape from it, and when I got home my wife said, "They announce your escape on TV nine hours ago. Where have you been and with who?"

I called the police and turned myself in.

I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

Have you heard of the mumble rapper that died in jail?

He couldn't finish a sentence

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I was blessed with a 9inch cock at 9 years old...

... But that priest is in jail now, so we don't talk about it...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

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Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

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How the tables have turned!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into t...

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

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I was recently put in jail..

Everybody believes I was sexually assaulting a woman

That's wrong. I just got into a minor problem

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

I know a guy in my neighborhood who came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em.

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard, it could have been worse"

Fred said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?" Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could...

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

Some men do remember aniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She w...

I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

Did you hear about the man with a stutter who broke out of jail?

He didn’t finish his sentence

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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Not mine but still funny

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't w...

Online dating is hard...

Every time I try to meet someone new they end up in jail. Grown-ups have it easy than us kids like c'mon I'm only 9 years old!

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your house back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back, and you get out of jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

One time there was a man with no money.

He got a job as a train conductor. One day he walked up to a man on the train and shot him point-blank and stole his money.

Well, when everyone got off the train he was immediately arrested. He got sentenced to death by the judge and went to be executed by electric chair.

The execution...

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

What did the yogi say when he was put in jail?

Now I must stay

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

Why did the Airforce Pilot go to jail?

Because he rides an F15.

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

I just got out of an abusive relationship

Long story short, I’m going to jail

Why was the baby sent to jail after refusing to take a nap?

Because he was resisting a-rest.

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

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My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

This is finally going to be my year.

My friends in jail have been telling me for years that I'm a rat.

Happy Chinese new year

What do you get when you cross Donald Trump and Bill Clinton?

Murdered in a jail cell.

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Life is like jail

You will end up being fucked

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

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