A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"



(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

Why was the portrait taken to jail?

Because it was framed!

Why did the insomniac get thrown into jail?

He was resisting a rest.

Women should be let out of jail after one month

Period: End of sentence.

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother didn't cope well with going to jail.

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!

A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail?

It was charged with battery.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

What do jail and Shift have in common?

They both turn o into O

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A stuttering friend of mine died in jail the other day..

.....he couldn't finish his sentence.

After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m

Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escaped from prison

where he has been for 15 years... He broke into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's...

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

Why did the ghost go to jail?

For giving boos to children

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hockey player gets sent to jail for soliciting a prostitute

I guess you could say he was sent to the Penalty Box for hooking

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

I was in the army, but they sent me to the jail after serving in the war....

I don't understand why.

My lieutenant said " fire in the hole", and I fired in his hole

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

Rich man arrested for murder

A rich man is arrested for murder finds an Attorney that says

" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"

It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing

All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free man

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to...

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the guy who takes the other bunk in jail who's a virgin but not by choice?

Incellmate

Almost Murderer

*In jail*

Guy: "So what are you in for?"

Me: *Thinking back on trying to collect and breed crows* "Attempted Murder."

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

A man came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

They had all day to go to bed
Pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

Interviewer: It says here you never went to jail.

Me: Correct, I was taken.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

Once they are put in jail, prisoners spend most of their time being salty.

Probably because they spend all of their time NaCl.

A car driver hits a low flying parrot

He takes the unconscious parrot, home and cares for it.
The next day it regains consciousness and finds himself in a cage. It gets surprised and says, " W-w-wait, jail? Did the car driver die?"

i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning in Oklahoma

He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a guy sitting on the porch.

The garbage man called out. ‘Hey! Where’s ’ya bin?’

The guy replies ‘I’ve been in Florida’.

The garbage man says ‘No. No. Where’s ‘ya wheely bin?’

The guys says ‘I’ve really bee...

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

Why do engineers never get out of jail?

They fix every flaw in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

A joke for Australians

The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just s...

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

To discourage slacking all retro games have been removed from jails

Officers were upset to find Contra banned in the prison

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

Why did the Energizer Bunny get sent to jail?

He was charged with assault and battery

What are rooms in a jail reserved for science majors called?

STEM cells.

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