I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

Why did the guitar player go to jail?

He fingered A-minor.

What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Did you hear about the man with a stutter who broke out of jail?

He didn’t finish his sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother went to jail one day.

He took it really badly. He refused all food and drink, and swore at everyone who tried to talk to him. He smeared his shit everywhere as a sign of protest.

We never played monopoly with him ever again.

I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

Why did the insomniac go to jail?

He was resisting a rest.

Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.

The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and...

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

Why did the guitarist go to jail?

He was fingering A minor

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

Why did Mr. Moseby go to jail?

Because he was the CodyZack killer.

Why did the Airforce Pilot go to jail?

Because he rides an F15.

Why was the baby sent to jail after refusing to take a nap?

Because he was resisting a-rest.

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

English is a funny language

"Jail" and "Prison" are synonyms.
But, "Jailer" and "Prisoner" are antonyms.

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re...

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like jail

You will end up being fucked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets sent to jail

He meets his cellmate who tells him "You have two options. You can either be the husband or the wife." The man thinks for a second and responds "I'll be the husband." The cellmate nods and says "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Why did the belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

6ix9ine Going to Jail

This is very cool, it means that he will do a collab with my dad!

Why did the elephant go to jail?

He had a dead guy in his trunk.
*My daughter asked me to make up a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I fell on my knee and i went to jail

it was a *felony*

What do you call a fish that's going to jail?

Gillty


Credit: my 7 year old nephew

Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip o...

Why are neutrons never sent to jail?

Because they're never charged.

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

When you transgress the laws of men, you go to jail.

When you transgress the laws of God, you go to hell.

When you transgress the laws of physics, you go to Stockholm to receive a Nobel price.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

What do you call a Konami game in jail?

Contraband

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t you put Jews in jail?

Because they eat lox

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad went to jail for beating the crap out of his best friend forever for saying,

"Your boy has a good spirit. I see myself in him."

His friend was a priest.

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

Why do women always get periods when they’re let out of jail?

It’s the end of a sentence

You guys know why a guitarist went to jail?

Cuz he fingered a minor

Why was the dyslexic entomologist sent to jail?

Incest

There was a crook who in jail was forced onto a treadmill for his entire time

It was a run-on sentence.

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

A man got sentenced to 1 year in jail

One day when he was serving his time, he heard someone yell 85. Everyone on the cell block laughed. Than someone else yelled 132. Everyone laughs. Some else yells out 237. Everyone he can hear is dying with laughter, but the man couldn’t figure out why. Later that day at lunch he asked another priso...

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

I'm going to jail for 20 years for being a fake cytologist.

20 years in prison, its a hard cell for me.

My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?

Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.

My friend called me from jail

He was using a cell phone

A man goes to jail.

Lets just say his name is Phil. After he gets settled in he goes out to the wreck yard. Another inmate notices he is new, approaches him and asks him what he's in for. Phil tells him he has a drug and arson charge. The inmate says, so you lit something on fire and got caught selling drugs? Phil says...

What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!

(Courtesy my 6 year old)

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.

"No," screeches the drunk.

Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

Why did the Energizer Bunny go to jail?

because he was charged with battery

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

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