A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Did you hear about the time Falcon was put in jail?

He was arrested for fowl play.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"



(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

If Hunter Biden ever goes to jail...

And doesn’t write a book called “Biden time” it would be a big missed opportunity.

Why did the skeleton go to jail?

Because it was boning everybody.

My 6 year old daughter just made this one up.

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail

He didn't even get to finish his sentence

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

The prisoners escaped from jail at night

They hear police sirens and see three trees nearby so each prisoner climbs one of the trees to hide.

The police walk over to the first tree. The prisoner thinks quickly and says
“HOOT HOOT”

“Oh it’s just an owl” one policeman says. “Let’s keep moving.”

The police come to th...

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

My brother got all his properties taken way and thrown in jail last night

When he was in jail he threw feces all over the walls..

That was the last time we played monopoly.

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

Man with stammer jailed

Judge rules he is unlikely to complete his sentence.

Women should be let out of jail after they menstruate

Period: end of sentence.

Why did the insomniac get thrown into jail?

He was resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

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A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!

A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

What do jail and Shift have in common?

They both turn o into O

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

I need some Cyanide!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."              

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husba...

A man is arrested for theft and put into jail. Then, he says to his lawyer:

\-Listen, if I get more than a year, I will kill you, understand?

\-I understand.

The lawyer goes to the courtroom.

The lawyer goes out of the courtroom, and goes to his client.

\-Did you get me one year?

\-Yes, the judge almost gave you two days, but I managed to ...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

Why did the ghost go to jail?

For giving boos to children

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing

All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

I was at the bank yesterday, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance...

Spent the night in jail for elder abuse for pushing her down.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

Interviewer: It says here you never went to jail.

Me: Correct, I was taken.

Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

A lawyer and your client have a meet.

The client has a proposal.

If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.

The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! On...

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