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Jail Jokes

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

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A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

Why did the phone go to jail?

It was charged with battery

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

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A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.



It was a bum rap.

My mate Scott just got out of jail.

He got out.

Scotts Free!!!

Why did the photo go to jail?

Indecent exposure

a prisoner escaped jail through a tunnel under his cell

After getting out of tunnel he found himself in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free! I'm free!" he screamed

"So what? I'm four" replied one of the toddler

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

How do you get Putin into a jail cell?

Tell him it's not his

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

An irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all sentenced to jail for 25 years

They are each allowed to bring one thing into prison with them. The irishman takes 25 years worth of cigarettes, the Scotsman takes 25 years worth of whiskey and the englishman takes 25 years worth of chocolate. So the 25 years pass and they are all let out of jail. The englishman comes out really f...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

A husband and wife were having dinner on their 20th anniversary

The husband set down his fork and said "I was just thinking about how we got engaged. You remember?"

His wife said "Of course! My daddy caught us in my room together when we were eighteen! He said you'd better marry me or he'd send you to jail for twenty years!"

And the husband sighed...

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Rural Court

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

Why did the goat beautician go to jail?

She was caught grooming kids.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Why did the guy with a foot fetish go to jail?

He got off on the wrong foot.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

Did you hear that Mary escaped from jail?

She's on the lamb now.

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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What would happen if I called you a moron?

Attorney: Your honor, what would happen if I called you a fucking moron?

Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and throw you in jail.

Attorney: Can you hold me in contempt for just thinking it?

Judge: No, I can’t punish you for your thoughts.

Attorney: In that case your...

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Smoking dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of dru...

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that “there was a small medium at large”.

If Hunter Biden ever goes to jail...

And doesn’t write a book called “Biden time” it would be a big missed opportunity.

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested

He is now Sam Bankman-Jailed

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!

A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

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A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

Women should be let out of jail after one month

Period: End of sentence.

My brother got all his properties taken way and thrown in jail last night

When he was in jail he threw feces all over the walls..

That was the last time we played monopoly.

Jailbreak!

Diminutive psychic Chris Tolbol escaped from jail earlier today.

Police describe him as a small medium at large.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

Man with stammer jailed

Judge rules he is unlikely to complete his sentence.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

Why did the ghost go to jail?

For giving boos to children

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

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