I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

What do jail and Shift have in common?

They both turn o into O

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother didn't cope well with going to jail.

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

Why did a Duracell rabbit went to jail?

It was charged with battery.

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!

A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

A man is arrested for theft and put into jail. Then, he says to his lawyer:

\-Listen, if I get more than a year, I will kill you, understand?

\-I understand.

The lawyer goes to the courtroom.

The lawyer goes out of the courtroom, and goes to his client.

\-Did you get me one year?

\-Yes, the judge almost gave you two days, but I managed to ...

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

A stuttering friend of mine died in jail the other day..

.....he couldn't finish his sentence.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

Why did the ghost go to jail?

For giving boos to children

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hockey player gets sent to jail for soliciting a prostitute

I guess you could say he was sent to the Penalty Box for hooking

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free man

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to...

What do you call it when you go to jail because your heart stops working?

Cardiac arrest

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Why do ex-prisoners have a lot of cramps after they spend time in jail?

Because periods come after sentences.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man works as a conductor.

But he’s not a very good one. So one day he’s driving his train and he hits someone.

He goes to jail, gets sentenced to die on Death Row.

So he goes in, requests his last meal to be 3 pieces of cake. He eats his cake, gets strapped in the chair. The warden pulls the lever, the power ...

My wife died.

After she died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

A joke for Australians

The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the guy who takes the other bunk in jail who's a virgin but not by choice?

Incellmate

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

Interviewer: It says here you never went to jail.

Me: Correct, I was taken.

Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

When you keep a database about your exes,

if you make a new cell in a spreadsheet containing information about a previous SO who has gone to jail and is celibate against their will, it is an incel-in-cell ex-Excel cell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the police have a new slogan.

So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

Why did Sleeping Beauty go to jail?

She was under a rest

i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If being sexy was a crime

I’d be in jail for tax fraud

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

Why did the Energizer Bunny get sent to jail?

He was charged with assault and battery

To discourage slacking all retro games have been removed from jails

Officers were upset to find Contra banned in the prison

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

Why did the document go to jail?

It was a .pdf file.

Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail?

Because they always make bale!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am in jail for masturbating

Im busting out of here tomorrow

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

Doctor tells his patient he only has 6 months to live...

Upset, the patient shoots the doctor.
At his trial, the judge sentences him to 30 years to life in jail and asks him if he feels any remorse.
He replies, "no, your honor. The doctor gave me 6 months to live, and you gave me 30 years."

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

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