I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth

I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway

Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.

The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and...

My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

Why did Mr. Moseby go to jail?

Because he was the CodyZack killer.

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did A Major go to jail?

Cuz he fucked A minor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft was given a plea deal to avoid jail sentencing for a massage parlor prostitution sting

I guess having a good lawyer cums in handy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

Why did the Airforce Pilot go to jail?

Because he rides an F15.

I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four guys are sitting in a jail cell, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophile and a masochist

Zoophile: I'd so fuck a kitten right now
Murderer: I'd kill it
Necrophile: I'd fuck the corpse
Masochist: Meow\~

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Why was the baby sent to jail after refusing to take a nap?

Because he was resisting a-rest.

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

Did you hear about the short psychic who broke out of jail?

There was a small medium at large.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is like jail

You will end up being fucked

English is a funny language

"Jail" and "Prison" are synonyms.
But, "Jailer" and "Prisoner" are antonyms.

What do you call the guy that can beat up everyone in a jail cell?

Mitochondria.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re...

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy gets sent to jail

He meets his cellmate who tells him "You have two options. You can either be the husband or the wife." The man thinks for a second and responds "I'll be the husband." The cellmate nods and says "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

6ix9ine Going to Jail

This is very cool, it means that he will do a collab with my dad!

Why did the elephant go to jail?

He had a dead guy in his trunk.
*My daughter asked me to make up a joke.

Why did the belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

I fell on my knee and i went to jail

it was a *felony*

Why are neutrons never sent to jail?

Because they're never charged.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

When you transgress the laws of men, you go to jail.

When you transgress the laws of God, you go to hell.

When you transgress the laws of physics, you go to Stockholm to receive a Nobel price.

What do you call a fish that's going to jail?

Gillty


Credit: my 7 year old nephew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad went to jail for beating the crap out of his best friend forever for saying,

"Your boy has a good spirit. I see myself in him."

His friend was a priest.

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

What do you call a Konami game in jail?

Contraband

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t you put Jews in jail?

Because they eat lox

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

Why do women always get periods when they’re let out of jail?

It’s the end of a sentence

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip o...

A man get sent to jail on a high charge

With his one phone call, he calls his brother, who is a high up there politician.
He says to his brother "Listen, I know you can get me out of this, I know you have a way of dealing with these things."
The brother replies "Well... maybe if you ask me enough, I'll see what I can do."
The man...

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

There was a crook who in jail was forced onto a treadmill for his entire time

It was a run-on sentence.

A man goes to jail.

Lets just say his name is Phil. After he gets settled in he goes out to the wreck yard. Another inmate notices he is new, approaches him and asks him what he's in for. Phil tells him he has a drug and arson charge. The inmate says, so you lit something on fire and got caught selling drugs? Phil says...

I'm going to jail for 20 years for being a fake cytologist.

20 years in prison, its a hard cell for me.

You guys know why a guitarist went to jail?

Cuz he fingered a minor

Sparing no expense, I threw a huge party for my entire neighborhood. Everything was great till the cops showed up and threw me in jail.

Apparently a "Gender Reveal" party isn't what I thought it was.

Why was the dyslexic entomologist sent to jail?

Incest

A man got sentenced to 1 year in jail

One day when he was serving his time, he heard someone yell 85. Everyone on the cell block laughed. Than someone else yelled 132. Everyone laughs. Some else yells out 237. Everyone he can hear is dying with laughter, but the man couldn’t figure out why. Later that day at lunch he asked another priso...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I re...

My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?

Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.

My friend called me from jail

He was using a cell phone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A loud drunk keeps singing in his jail cell.

A police officer yells at him to go to sleep.

"No," screeches the drunk.

Pissed off, the officer yells back, "STOP RESISTING A REST."

What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!

(Courtesy my 6 year old)

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

A child was sent to jail for staying up past his bedtime

He got charged with resisting arrest.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

Why do niceguys never go to jail?

Because they’re already incels.

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

Why did the Energizer Bunny go to jail?

because he was charged with battery

A son calls his mom from jail

“Hey mom, bad news, I’m in for life.”
“Shut up Frank you’re a prison guard.”

My uncle keeps getting in trouble for kiestering booze into jail

It's a real condomrum

You know about the guy who went to jail for working too long?

He was arrested for resisting a rest.

Why did the photograph go to jail?

Indecent exposure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend went to jail.

His cell mate said, "we are going to have sex tonight. Do you want to be the mama or the papa". "I'll be the papa" my friend replied. His cell mate says "ok then, come on over and suck mama's dick".