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Jail Jokes

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

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A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

Why did the photo go to jail?

Indecent exposure

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette escape from jail..

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette escape from jail and hide in a barn. The police close in, so the three women each hide in a sack. The police search the barn, and to check each sack, a police officer kicks it as he walks past. The officer kicks the redhead’s sack, and the redhead says, “Meow!” The...

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
<...

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My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Why did the phone go to jail?

It was charged with battery

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

My mate Scott just got out of jail.

He got out.

Scotts Free!!!

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Jail importance

Why you should go in jail as an entrepreneur ?

- No cost of living
- gym and rehab park
- surrounded by hustlers
- taxes pay for you
- time off from family, gf , friends to focus on THE GRIND

I knew I was going to jail when the judge yelled, "Order in the court!"

And my lawyer said, "I'll take a footlong turkey."

I had an uncle who went to jail for shooting a priest.

Fortunately it was just a white-collar crime.

A prisoner escaped by putting a paper towel over his face and walking out of jail.

There’s a Bounty on his head.

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

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A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.



It was a bum rap.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

Why did the guy with a foot fetish go to jail?

He got off on the wrong foot.

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

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My dad went to jail because of his beliefs.

He believed he could masturbate on the bus.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

a prisoner escaped jail through a tunnel under his cell

After getting out of tunnel he found himself in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free! I'm free!" he screamed

"So what? I'm four" replied one of the toddler

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?

He was caught fingering A Minor.

How do you get Putin into a jail cell?

Tell him it's not his

Did you hear that Mary escaped from jail?

She's on the lamb now.

3 CEOs are in jail.

3 CEO's were in a jail cell.

The first guy said "I got put in here because I raised my prices and the government accused me of price gouging"

The second guy replied, "Really, I got put here because I lowered my prices and the government accused me of unfair competition!"

The thi...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

If Hunter Biden ever goes to jail...

And doesn’t write a book called “Biden time” it would be a big missed opportunity.

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

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First time in jail. Nsfw

Large cell mate: Do you want to be the husband or the wife?
Me: I'll be the husband.
Large cell mate: Good, get over here and suck your wife's dick.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

Man with stammer jailed

Judge rules he is unlikely to complete his sentence.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

An irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all sentenced to jail for 25 years

They are each allowed to bring one thing into prison with them. The irishman takes 25 years worth of cigarettes, the Scotsman takes 25 years worth of whiskey and the englishman takes 25 years worth of chocolate. So the 25 years pass and they are all let out of jail. The englishman comes out really f...

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that “there was a small medium at large”.

Hey girl is your dad in jail...

...Because if I was your dad, I would be

Finally got out of jail. Less than 10 minutes after gettin home, me and the wife jumped straight into bed to do some serious catching up....

Wife: "hey.... erm.... ya know..... I... I've been with other men ya know?"

Me: "Ohhhh, ok. Well same here, turn over"

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

Did you hear about the time Falcon was put in jail?

He was arrested for fowl play.

Did you hear about that lorry driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?

It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.

I went to the Jail doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the body of a 30 year old...

I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my Lawyer.

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

Donald Trump is the best jail mate.

He'd never let you finish a sentence.

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A guy goes to jail for the first time.

When he gets to his cell, his cell mate from the top bunk stops him and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you come in here, we have to decide who’s the husband and who’s the wife”

The new guy pauses and says, “Uh...I guess I’ll be the husband.”

The cell mate responds, “All right then...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences

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A man gets out of jail

A man gets out of jail and is telling about his first day to a friend.

"So I came to my cell on my first day and there was this big scary dude, almost the size of our bed. He looked at me with his tough look and told me to either jump off the jail balcony, or take it in the ass."

The f...

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

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A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."

The zoophile: "A cat?"

The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."

The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."

T...

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

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On John's first night in jail,

His cell mate approaches him and says, "let's play house, would you like to be the husband or the wife?"
John, thinks for a second and replies, "I'll be the husband."
The cell mate then says,"okay, now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Women should be let out of jail after they menstruate

Period: end of sentence.

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

Jail Jokes

It's a man's first night in prison. Lights out, and he's lying anxiously in his cell, unable to sleep.

Suddenly, he hears a voice ring out.

"28!"

The entire cell block bursts into laughter. After it dies down, another prisoner yells out.

"84!"

Another round of la...

Did you hear why those two crows went to jail?

Attempted murder.

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

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Life is like jail

You will end up being fucked

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

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An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

As I drove by the jail...

I noticed a dwarf climbing down a rope on the outside wall.

"what are you doing?" I asked and he responded "what the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

well that's a little con descending I thought to myself.

If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria

That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

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