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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Why was the artist in jail?

Apparently he was framed.

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.

Hey girl, is your father in jail?

Because if I was your father, I’d be in jail

What did the cop say to the banana as it was released from jail?

Don’t Slip Up Again

My buddy who had a stutter died in jail

He couldn’t finish his sentence

Why did the neuron go to jail?

Because he was charged with a salt.

why did the duck go to jail

he was selling quack

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What do you call the guy who takes the other bunk in jail who's a virgin but not by choice?

Incellmate

What do you call a jail cell for podcasters.

Squarespace.

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

A hairdresser got put it jail for 9 years because he was drug dealing

All this time, I've been coming to him and never did I know that he was a hairdresser

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

Three guys are sitting in a jail cell...

One guy is on PCP, one guy is on LSD, and the third guy is just baked out of his mind on weed.

The guy on PCP says “I have an idea on how to escape! I can bend these bars open with my hands”

“Yeah!” Says the guy in LSD... and when we get to the wall, I can shoot laser beams out of my e...

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Interviewer: It says here you never went to jail.

Me: Correct, I was taken.

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

Why do Buddhists get the harshest jail sentences?

Because all their crimes are pre-meditated.

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Why did the fry cook go to jail?

He battered his wife.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

A man is sent to jail and meets his cell mate...

The cell mate asks him what's he in for and the man replies "grand theft auto." The cell mate chuckles and then yells "twenty seven!!"

All the other prisoners in their other cells all laugh. The man asks what just happened here. The cell mate tells him, "we all just tell the same jokes over a...

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

i went to jail for having a heart attack.

i guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest.

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Why did the trigonometrical ratio of a triangle go to jail?

Because cos B is a sexual offender.

If you lie to people to get their money you can go to jail for fraud

Unless you're a preacher

Why did the Energizer Bunny get sent to jail?

He was charged with assault and battery

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Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

Writing a funny joke is like playing a game of darts.

Sometimes you hit. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get sent to jail for manslaughter.

As I drove by the jail...

I noticed a dwarf climbing down a rope on the outside wall.

"what are you doing?" I asked and he responded "what the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

well that's a little con descending I thought to myself.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

To discourage slacking all retro games have been removed from jails

Officers were upset to find Contra banned in the prison

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

Why did the crab go to jail?

Because it kept pinching things.......I will see myself out

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?



He was fingering a minor.

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

What do you call collecting funds to get your buddy out of jail?



Bro Fund Me.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

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I am in jail for masturbating

Im busting out of here tomorrow

Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail?

Because they always make bale!

A Frenchman is arrested for murder

He is convicted by an eye-witness acount. He then breaks out of jail and stabs his witness with a baguette. The witness' son sees this and stabs the killer with another baguette.
Vengeance baguettes more vengeance.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

Why did the document go to jail?

It was a .pdf file.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

The pope

The pope is arriving to Roma Airport. The pope car is not ready so a cardinal sends his private driver waiting him to the airport.

When the pope arrives he sees the driver has come with a Ferrari.

The pope says "please, I'm a real fan of nice cars and this car is so wonderful I want to...

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

Why are there so many rappers still in jail?

Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

My brain is like a jail in the wild West

Just one cell

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

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A piece of justice

A protestor suspected of driving under the influence is arrested.
At the police station they ask him for a urine sample to prove if he was innocent but he refuses.
The police officer tells him that he will be spending the night in jail if he doesn't.

This is an outrage he exclaims.
...

3 ducks are in a courtroom

The judge calls up the first duck and says “state your name and what you did” and the first duck says “my name is Quack and I blew bubbles in the pond” the judge says “Okay Quack 6 months in jail” judge calls up the second duck and says the same thing. Second duck says “my name is Quack Quack and I ...

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

Santa.

I'm a judge. I strive to bring justice and make things fair.

I realised recently that Santa always gives others gifts but he gets nothing in return.

So next Christmas I gave him a couple years in jail for mutliple cases of breaking and entering.

Two guys in a jail cell..

Two guys sitting in a jail cell alongside 3 others that had been arrested that night.

They find out one guy is a murderer, another stole a car and tried to drive to Mexico, the last guy was an African American man who kept to himself and wasn't talking.

"What's he in for?" one guy ask...

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.

They’re charging me with tacks evasion.

What do you say when a short psychic breaks out of jail?

Small medium at large...

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