UPJOKE
lawfelonytheftguiltymurderfelonprisonpolicewrongoutlawillegalcrimethiefthuggangster

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Because they just want to feel wanted...

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The Spanish Inquisition return with a rabbit that's converted to Christianity and is a foot taller than it was before.

Were you not expecting that? Nobody was.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What do criminals and motivational posters have in common?

Life sentences.

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen...

The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen.

The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight."

After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes ...

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

I wrote a book about criminals who just drone on and on about things.

It's called "prose and cons"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

I used to teach creative writing at San Quentin

Back in my college days in the Bay Area, I ended up becoming a volunteer teacher’s assistant at a creative writing class at San Quentin prison. For those of you who doesn’t know this is a prison full of some of the hardest criminals that walked the earth.

Well I met an inmate there named Art...

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again

G'day mate

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman is at the bank when it gets robbed and she is shot 3 times as the criminals leave.

She is sent to the doctor who tells her that miraculously she and the unborn babes are fine but the bullets have been incorporated into the children. No need to worry they are fine and will pass the bullets naturally as they grow. Many years go bye and the oldest daughter comes running to the mother...

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as...

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.

That would be a real crime detergent.

Who stopped The criminals in The dinosaur age?

The triceracops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.