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Crimes Jokes

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Why is it so hard to solve crimes in Alabama?

Because the DNA always matches and the dental records don’t exist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

What drove the train to commit crimes in Mexico?

Loco motives!

How do dwarves get away with crimes?

through forgery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

If you commit crimes 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times.

Because sin90 = cot45

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloodhound tried for Nazi war crimes

He was only following odours.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. ...

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I j...

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

Who handles font related crimes?

A sans sheriff!

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

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