UPJOKE
lawfelonytheftpolicemurdercriminal lawtortfraudmisdemeanorcriminalinfractionoffenseviolationsentenceoffence

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

How do dwarves get away with crimes?

through forgery

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

Why are crimes so hard to solve in Alabama ?

Because their are no dental records and all the DNA matches

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How do quesadillas solve crimes?

They take them ques by ques

My friend who studies history just reformatted his online notes in time for his finals

Too bad though, war crimes are now justified

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

An engineering student is called into the Dean’s office…

The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Carav...

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

If you commit crimes 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times.

Because sin90 = cot45

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. ...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

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