UPJOKE
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I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

Why are crimes so hard to solve in Alabama ?

Because their are no dental records and all the DNA matches

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

How do quesadillas solve crimes?

They take them ques by ques

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Back in the 1960s there lived an Italian mobster…

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. ...

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

If you commit crimes 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times.

Because sin90 = cot45

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. ...

What do you call when a former male starts committing crimes out of anger?

A transgression

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

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Bloodhound tried for Nazi war crimes

He was only following odours.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

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