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Murders Jokes

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

What do you call it when someone murders their friend?

Homie cide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

How do you prevent murders?

Use a scarecrow

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

Did you hear about the Mime Murders?

It was an unspeakable horror

What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?

A crowbar.

What is it called when a person murders his own fellow gangmember?

A homiecide.

Knitting needle murders

The police are on the hunt for a killer who has been stabbing their victims with knitting needles. The police believe they may be following a pattern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abra...

A man murders both his mother and father.

During his trial the man pleads to the judge and says, "Give me mercy! Afterall, I'm an orphan!"

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

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