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Nightmare Jokes

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

Why do diabetics always have nightmares?

They can't have sweet dreams.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

Chuck Norris had a nightmare

The nightmare ran into its moms room crying

Chuck Norris one had a nightmare

Nightmares stay away from him now

I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others.

He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare…

It was terrible. I dreamed that I was at the hospital dressed only in my underwear. I tried to get away but when I did the nurses started chasing me. Then the doctors joined in. Soon even the police were after me and no matter how fast I ran I just couldn’t get away.







<...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

What breed of horses are nocturnal?

Nightmares.

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!“

„Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

A man goes to see a psychologist...

The man tells the doctor that he has a recurring nightmare in which two teams of rats play football.

The doctor said: 'Take this pill, and tonight the nightmare is gone.'

'I can't do that.' The other one said.

'Why not?' The doctor asked, puzzled.

With a grin on his face...

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

I once had a nightmare about insomnia.

Haven't slept since.

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

I had a nightmare last night.

I had a nightmare last night that I was stuck inside a snow globe.

When I woke up I was really shaken up.

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

Why was Freddy Krueger late for work?

Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.

Why did 10 have PTSD and horrible nightmares

He was in the middle of 9-11

Golf Trick Shot

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and finally got the chance.

Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life.

After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine.

On the back nine, he start...

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

Being stuck inside for a long time due to Covid, my wife started having recurring nightmares about how our house is made of celery.

Doctors think it is stalk home syndrome.

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

I had a nightmare last nigh

I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.

So I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare clips, but one video wouldn't load

There was a problem with the server

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor that he’s been suffering from terrible nightmares

“What are these nightmares about?” Asks the doctor.

“Well,” says the man “I’m standing in front of a door with a sign on it, I keep pushing and pushing but the door just won’t open!”

“Interesting. And what does the sign say?”

“Pull!”

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

I had a nightmare

I had a nightmare were I dreamt someone had stolen my Tik tok acount .

For a second I was really worried that I had a tik tok acount .

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What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

Amputees that don't have both arms biggest nightmare at work

Being hands on.

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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

My last girlfriend told me something so horrible that I cried three weeks straights and still have nightmares with her saying those horrible words that hurt my soul so bad

She said I was too sensitive.

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

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Man at the funeral

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I ...

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?

The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"

The husband says...

I just had a nightmare about Mexican food.

I don't really want to taco 'bout it.

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me...

...she was a coultergeist

I wake up from a nightmare that I am taking a math test...

and find out that I am taking a math test.

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

I have nightmares about getting head from my ex

Thinking about it keeps me up at night.

As a dyslexic, travel can be a nightmare

Sorry, wrong bus.

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Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid; I was petrified.

Little Johnny

On the night of inflatable little Johnny's 10th birthday as he was getting ready to go to bed and sleep off the days excitement his Inflatable father came to his room to talk to him, he explained that now he was 10 he was just too big to sleep in mum and dads bed and even if he was scared he was a b...

What did the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree say before it fell?

TIMBURTON!!!!!!

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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

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You know that common nightmare about going to school in just your underwear, and how everybody laughs and ridicules you for looking stupid. Well I just lived it, for real.

Stupid vague-ass pajamas day.

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A sex addict had a nightmare...

...he dreamed he was being chaste.

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

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My wife said she had a nightmare last night.

She said, "We were in the supermarket and I was looking through the cans of soup. I turned around and you were naked behind me having sex with a transsexual prostitute!"

"That' so far-fetched," I said. "We never shop together."

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

What is a plumber's worst nightmare

That his family dies in a house fire

I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad.

She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.

I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man

I woke up feeling tired from that one.

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

I always have nightmares

I found a breed of female horses that's up all night

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According to insiders, Bear Grylls was a nightmare to work with.

He would always show up at work piss drunk.

I was having a nightmare where a dude said he was going to kill me if I could not make him laugh...

so I said...
What gas leaves a pirate speechless?
.
.
.
Argon

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century.

Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

What's a paralympian's worst nightmare?

Testing positive for WD-40

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up ?

A Nightmare.

I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.

She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

What's a whale's worst nightmare?

Being compared to Amy Schumer

A man suffering for weeks from terrible nightmares goes to the doctor…

Man: Please doctor, you’ve got to help me with these nightmares!

Doctor: What type of dreams are you having?

Man: Well, I always dream of these awful rats playing football. Seeing them crawl, tackle, squeal night after night—it’s terrible! Do you have a remedy for me?

Doctor: I’...

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