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Nightmare Jokes

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

Why do diabetics always have nightmares?

They can't have sweet dreams.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

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Why did the Proctologist have nightmares?

He's seen some shit before.

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

I had a nightmare last night.

I had a nightmare last night that I was stuck inside a snow globe.

When I woke up I was really shaken up.

I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others.

He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.

I once had a nightmare about insomnia.

Haven't slept since.

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

Why did 10 have PTSD and horrible nightmares

He was in the middle of 9-11

I had a nightmare last nigh

I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

I had a nightmare

I had a nightmare were I dreamt someone had stolen my Tik tok acount .

For a second I was really worried that I had a tik tok acount .

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What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

I was abducted by aliens. They interrogated me about everything I did wrong in my life. In the end they sentenced me to life without parole on a prison planet where every day is a living nightmare.

Then they brought me home.

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?

The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"

The husband says...

Amputees that don't have both arms biggest nightmare at work

Being hands on.

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

Nightmare

A man wakes up screaming, and his wife asks "what's wrong? Nightmare?" The man nods. "What was it?" asked the mans wife. He takes a second to wipe the sweat off his face before telling the story. "It was a wonderful summer day. We were all in the car going on vacation." "That doesn't seem too bad......

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

I always have nightmares

I found a breed of female horses that's up all night

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A sex addict had a nightmare...

...he dreamed he was being chaste.

I just had a nightmare about Mexican food.

I don't really want to taco 'bout it.

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

What is a plumber's worst nightmare

That his family dies in a house fire

So I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare clips, but one video wouldn't load

There was a problem with the server

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A man watches a nightmare scenario unfold on an airplane...

A man sitting on an airplane notices an extremely fat belligerent couple are the last people to board. They both squeeze down the aisles, smacking people in the head with their baggage and yelling at each other about their horror show of a marriage.

They both sit down on either side of a poor...

Being under lockdown for Covid, my wife started having nightmares that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

What's a whale's worst nightmare?

Being compared to Amy Schumer

I have nightmares about getting head from my ex

Thinking about it keeps me up at night.

What's a paralympian's worst nightmare?

Testing positive for WD-40

As a dyslexic, travel can be a nightmare

Sorry, wrong bus.

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

What did the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree say before it fell?

TIMBURTON!!!!!!

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My wife said she had a nightmare last night.

She said, "We were in the supermarket and I was looking through the cans of soup. I turned around and you were naked behind me having sex with a transsexual prostitute!"

"That' so far-fetched," I said. "We never shop together."

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A man comes to a doctor

\- Please, Doctor, help me. Every night, I have the same terrible nightmare!

\- I'm not sure how I can help. Tell me more.

\- I see five sexy, absolutely gorgeous women. All five suddenly throw themselves at me, and are starting to rip off my clothes.

\- And what happens then?...

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

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Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid; I was petrified.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man

I woke up feeling tired from that one.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

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According to insiders, Bear Grylls was a nightmare to work with.

He would always show up at work piss drunk.

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

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I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century.

Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

I wake up from a nightmare that I am taking a math test...

and find out that I am taking a math test.

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

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