Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

I had a nightmare that I was stuck inside a trucks tailpipe last night.

I woke up exhausted.

Why do diabetics always have nightmares?

They can't have sweet dreams.

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I had a nightmare

I had a nightmare were I dreamt someone had stolen my Tik tok acount .

For a second I was really worried that I had a tik tok acount .

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?

Sunken chest, and no booty

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

So I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare clips, but one video wouldn't load

There was a problem with the server

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do black people only have nightmares

Because the last black person to have a dream got assassinated

I had a nightmare last nigh

I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.

Amputees that don't have both arms biggest nightmare at work

Being hands on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johny's mom dies and dad remarries

The stepmom is very loving and caring and always goes the extra mile to make Little Johny feel loved. One day the dad leaves town for a business trip. At night Little Johny has a nightmare and gets scared. So he goes upto his stepmom's room and enquires if he could sleep next to her, and she obliges...

What is a lactose intolerant ativaxxer's worst nightmare?

Big Parma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I go to the dr.. he ask for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The dr yells at me for wasting his time. I go home

Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

My last girlfriend told me something so horrible that I cried three weeks straights and still have nightmares with her saying those horrible words that hurt my soul so bad

She said I was too sensitive.

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

Everyone’s freaking out about the full moon that’s happening on Halloween.

The real nightmare is happening on November 3rd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor that he’s been suffering from terrible nightmares

“What are these nightmares about?” Asks the doctor.

“Well,” says the man “I’m standing in front of a door with a sign on it, I keep pushing and pushing but the door just won’t open!”

“Interesting. And what does the sign say?”

“Pull!”

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

They lifted there blades, in one last final assault...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

The pain of PSG

After a tragic and devastating loss in the UCL final,the players and staff return to their hotel with heavy hearts and minds.While traveling back to the stay on the bus,even finishing check-in,none of them have the
intention to speak a word.

But then the hotel goes into a blackout;an...

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?

The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"

The husband says...

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

I have nightmares about getting head from my ex

Thinking about it keeps me up at night.

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up in panic and told my wife of a nightmare where my brain ran away

She said “No, dumbass. It’s all in your head”

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

Last night, I had the worst nightmare ever

It wasn't even remotely terrifying.

I just had a nightmare about Mexican food.

I don't really want to taco 'bout it.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

Bra = Breastie Nestie

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

I told my psychiatrist I've been having nightmares about this massive void. I asked him, "What does it mean?"

He said, "It's nothing."

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

What did the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree say before it fell?

TIMBURTON!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad does this really inappropriate joke where he closes his eyes whenever a Stevie Wonder song comes on.

Fucking nightmare when his songs are on the car radio.

Last night I had a dream I was being chased by a bottle of vodka

It was an Absolut nightmare

I always have nightmares

I found a breed of female horses that's up all night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict had a nightmare...

...he dreamed he was being chaste.

As a dyslexic, travel can be a nightmare

Sorry, wrong bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady walks into Tiffany's

As she browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doe...

How do you describe someone who can't wake up during a nightmare?

Shaken not stirred.

"ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVE!!!" - Frankenstein's dream

A necrophilliac' worst nightmare.

I wake up from a nightmare that I am taking a math test...

and find out that I am taking a math test.

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she had a nightmare last night.

She said, "We were in the supermarket and I was looking through the cans of soup. I turned around and you were naked behind me having sex with a transsexual prostitute!"

"That' so far-fetched," I said. "We never shop together."

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

A veteran walks into the bar

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.

Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. ...

A man suffering for weeks from terrible nightmares goes to the doctor…

Man: Please doctor, you’ve got to help me with these nightmares!

Doctor: What type of dreams are you having?

Man: Well, I always dream of these awful rats playing football. Seeing them crawl, tackle, squeal night after night—it’s terrible! Do you have a remedy for me?

Doctor: I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me...

...she was a coultergeist

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare?

A-Locked-Bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to insiders, Bear Grylls was a nightmare to work with.

He would always show up at work piss drunk.

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

I have two horses. One is calm and for daytime.

The other is a nightmare.

I had a nightmare that I was the Michelin man

I woke up feeling tired from that one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid; I was petrified.

What's a whale's worst nightmare?

Being compared to Amy Schumer

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century.

Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

What's a paralympian's worst nightmare?

Testing positive for WD-40

There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.