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New Year's Jokes

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

I still haven't broken my New Year's resolution this year.

It was not to make anyone laugh

What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?

Amateur night!

New Year's Eve

It's not even midnight and my Welsh friend just messaged me "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda".

He must be smashed already.

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New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be:

1. Procrastinate more in 2023

But fuck it, I'll do it next year

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

On a new year's Eve, in the court...

The judge says: Why are you here?

The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street.

The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here?

Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before...

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Day

"So,what's your New Years resolution?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "My wife hasn't told me yet."

Happy New Years!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p or 4k.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was alm...

New Year's Party

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they must planet first

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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I d...

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A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

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I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year...

not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.

2021 meets 2020 in a bar on New Year's Eve.

2021: What are you so happy about? You are done in a couple of hours and I'm taking charge.

2020: (Smirking now) I'm happy because they named you 2020WON.

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?


Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.


Friend: Neat.


Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!


Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?


Man: Well, t...

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance.

That's it...

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

I have a New Year's Revolution

And it's to spell-check everything before posting!

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

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New Year's Morning

A young man was drunk and staggering about with a key in his hand.

A policeman walks up and says, "What's going on here?"

"They stole my car!", answered the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?", asked the policeman.

"On the end of this key!", the man replied.

The...

My new year's resolution is to be more assertive...

...if that's OK with you guys?

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

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