A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

Three nails walk up to a bar,

Two are standing next to each other, the third is in a wooden board. The bouncer says "you two can come in, but your buddy in the board there was to stay outside". Incredulous the two nails demand to know why.

The bouncer just shrugs and says "Well he's clearly already hammered".

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

My Dad always said I hammer like lightning

I never strike in the same place twice.

A duck walks into a bar...

...and asks for a pint of beer, the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve ducks at this establishment."

To which the duck politely leaves.

&#x200B;

The next day the duck walks into the same bar, walks up to the bartender & again asks for a pint of beer.

The b...

Did you hear about the new Jack-Hammer Technology?

It was groundbreaking.

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.

It was rubbish!!

He wouldn't let me touch anything.

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

What did the hammer say when a girl tried to use it to put a screw in the wall.

WARNING! WARNING! This is NOT a drill.

Why does Thor carry a hammer?

Because he already has a thorax.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

What did the hammer say after a job well done?

Nailed it.

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?

A tool eater bottle.

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The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

&ndash; Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

&#x200B;

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

&#x200B;

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

&#x200B;

"How does it work?"

&#x200...

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance eng...

Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand....

Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom?

Because it's a toad's tool.

What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common?

Can't touch this!

A Duck walks into a bar

Duck asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?' Bartender says, "Of course not, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." Duck leaves but returns an hour later. "Got any grapes?" Bartender leans forward and says, "I told you before we don't have any grapes. Get lost." Another hour passes and ...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.

&#x200B;

the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somt...

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I got fucking hammered last night so I made sure I took the bus home

It was ok, except for all the passengers screaming at me to stop driving.

Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.

"I've suctioned myself to the floor."

"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck re...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me...

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

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Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

An islander walks up to a hooker

And after checking the price he says “hey I want to do it island style”
“Sure “ she says as they begin to go at it hammer and tongs through every position and technique known to man, and each time she would ask “was that island style?” to which the answer every time was “no.. no.. no.. no.. no.. ...

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

3 guys at the gate of hevean

So 3 guys died and now are standing next to the enterence gate of hevean. St.Peter says “we are running out of space, so we only allow in people with the best deaths. You will have to tell me how you died.
So the first guy is like “well i was suspecting my wife of cheating for a long time, so one...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

I wanted to step up my squash game...

So I bought a bigger hammer.

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Three men climb the stairway to heaven.

At the top of the stairs is a train station, where a ticket man stops them. He explains to the men that souls may board a train from here that will take them the rest of the way up to heaven. However, the train runs on a schedule, and is nearly full.

"I'm sorry fellers" says the ticket man. <...

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

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When you ask a crowd at a bar "Who wants to get fuckin hammered!?!?"

there's a very different response depending on whether or not you're actually holding a hammer.

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

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Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice fr...