I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

What will you call a dog with a hammer ??

Labra'Thor'

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?

Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

What do you call a shy person with a hammer?

BASHful!

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

A guy is walking into a bar...

Guy: " Give me a beer, you son of a b***".

Bartender: "Here's your beer, but next time be more polite or I will nail you to the wall up there."


On the next day. The guy walks into the same bar and politely asks "I beg your pardon, Sir. Do you have a hammer and some nails?"

B...

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

Three men were at the gates of heaven

There was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.

Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man ha...

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'

The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

'Well,' ...

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

Once I told a joke about a hammer

I nailed it

I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.

Boy am I Thor.

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

A drill was waiting on a sidewalk

A car pulled over and the driver, a hammer, asked : how much for some good time?

The drill : sorry I don't screwdrivers.

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

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This woman’s at her hairdresser’s, and she says, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.” He says, “Oh really, what airline are you taking?” She says, “Alitalia.” He says, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.”

He says, “Where are you gonna stay?” She says, “I’m gonna stay at The Hassler.” “The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They’re renovating the Hassler. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” She says, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican.” “The Vatican...

My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but I’m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

This guy was hammered at work today

So we called the cops. Get this, they didn't take the guy who was hammered away, but the person who threw it.

The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.

One day he was called in to take down a small cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day h...

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

The miracle of the blind carpenter

He picked up his hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

Quasimodo needs to retire...

Quasimoto had been working for many years ringing the bells at Notre Dame and had decided it was time to retire. He placed a want ad to hire a replacement but as neither the pay nor the working conditions were very good, some time passed without any response.

One evening he heard a knock at...

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

One day, the blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

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Tapeworm Therapy

A man had a tapeworm and went to the doctor to get it removed. The doctor said, "I know exactly what to do, come back next week and bring me an apple and a lemon cookie." So the man did this. He gave the apple and the lemon cookie to the doctor. The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend ove...

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Problem with windows

Wife text husband on a cold winter morning :
"Windows frozen won't open"

Husband texts back :
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"

Wife text's back 10 minutes later :
"Computer really messed up now"

What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

Makes me sickle

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

Ned and Fred, the Idiot Brothers...

Ned & Fred were building a house. Ned was putting up siding. He would take a nail out of his pouch, inspect it, sometimes hammer it in, other times, toss it into the trash.

Fred saw this, went over and said "What are you doing, tossing out perfectly good nails!?"

Ned explained, ...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

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When you ask a crowd at a bar "Who wants to get fuckin hammered!?!?"

there's a very different response depending on whether or not you're actually holding a hammer.

I just finished my carpentry exam. I got 80% for drilling, 90% for planing, but 100% for hammering!

Nailed it!

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

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Who's the best Goalkeeper in the world?

Sunday, 8 am. Me and my mate walking through the streets of my town, completely hammered, seeking the first open Bakery we can find when we cross path with this very old man. He's tiny and look funny, three hairs left on his head, some missing teeth and a good ol' red nose. He stops us and ask:
<...

I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.

It was rubbish!!

He wouldn't let me touch anything.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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I was having sex with a girl I met at a bar...

The girl said "fuck me with all nine inches and make it hurt!"

So I fucked her three times and hit her with a hammer.

What did the hammer say after a job well done?

Nailed it.

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

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Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.

The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing puffing and shuffling papers around a desk. Donny says he definitely doesn't want any of that.<...

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

My friend told me I was a used tool

Makes sense, I'm good at getting hammered and nailing his wife.

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

What did the hammer say when a girl tried to use it to put a screw in the wall.

WARNING! WARNING! This is NOT a drill.

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.



“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared...

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

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The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

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3 women are out on the town for a girl's night.

After 3 hours at the local bar, they are all completely hammered and finding a cab was difficult, so they all decided to walk home. After about 20 minutes they had to piss but no place was open as it was past 3AM however they found a cemetery that was discreet for them all to urinate. The First woma...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

&ndash; Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

What happened to Thor at the pub?

He got hammered

This guy at the bar called me a tool...

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

I guess he was right.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

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