I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

What do you call a shy person with a hammer?

BASHful!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?

Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'

The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

'Well,' ...

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.

Boy am I Thor.

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Once I told a joke about a hammer

I nailed it

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

Problem with windows

Wife text husband on a cold winter morning :
"Windows frozen won't open"

Husband texts back :
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"

Wife text's back 10 minutes later :
"Computer really messed up now"

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

This guy was hammered at work today

So we called the cops. Get this, they didn't take the guy who was hammered away, but the person who threw it.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.

One day he was called in to take down a small cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day h...

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk ...

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Who's the best Goalkeeper in the world?

Sunday, 8 am. Me and my mate walking through the streets of my town, completely hammered, seeking the first open Bakery we can find when we cross path with this very old man. He's tiny and look funny, three hairs left on his head, some missing teeth and a good ol' red nose. He stops us and ask:
<...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

My friend told me I was a used tool

Makes sense, I'm good at getting hammered and nailing his wife.

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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I was having sex with a girl I met at a bar...

The girl said "fuck me with all nine inches and make it hurt!"

So I fucked her three times and hit her with a hammer.

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Was your daddy a carpenter?

Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered.

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Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.

The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing puffing and shuffling papers around a desk. Donny says he definitely doesn't want any of that.<...

What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

Did you hear...

Did you hear about the blind man that pick up his hammer and saw.

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When you ask a crowd at a bar "Who wants to get fuckin hammered!?!?"

there's a very different response depending on whether or not you're actually holding a hammer.

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

I just finished my carpentry exam. I got 80% for drilling, 90% for planing, but 100% for hammering!

Nailed it!

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

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3 women are out on the town for a girl's night.

After 3 hours at the local bar, they are all completely hammered and finding a cab was difficult, so they all decided to walk home. After about 20 minutes they had to piss but no place was open as it was past 3AM however they found a cemetery that was discreet for them all to urinate. The First woma...

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

What happened to Thor at the pub?

He got hammered

This guy at the bar called me a tool...

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

I guess he was right.

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

Whats the difference between a scythe and a sickle?

One is a weapon, the other needs to be paired with a hammer.

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Carl calls in sick to work.

His boss says, "I know you're not sick, you lay out all the time, now get your ass to work".

Carl replies, "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in."

The boss is pissed, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him. When he arrives, he peers through the window to see i...

At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots...

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

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Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death wi...

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A college professor noted that one of his students, Dave, started getting lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

Thor and Loki enter a bar.

Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

Thor and Thanos actually had many similarities in Endgame.

For one, they were both hammered.

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Which one is the most durable? The hulkbuster?

No.

Rhodes' armor?

No

Visions stone?

No.

Captain America's shield?

No.

Thor's hammer?

No.

Iron Man's suit?

No.

It's the incredible Hulk's fucking incredible pants.

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

My girlfriend doesn’t like my job...

...because we test our products on animals. She’s got a point, I suppose.

I work in a hammer factory.

3 steps in dealing with unwanted people...

Step 1: Buy a Hammer
Step2: Name it Kindness
Step 3: Kill them with Kindness

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

I was chatting with a blacksmith . .

As he hammered away at the steel, I asked him what he was working on. “I make swords” he replied. “Well that seems kind of silly,” I said. “In this day and age the only practical weapon to own is a gun”

He looked up from the forge and gave me a long look before saying, “When all of the bullet...

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Thor doesn’t get tipsy

He’s always hammered.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

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Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...



One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.



“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared...

Hit on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and...

Jesus walks into a Roman Bar

Let's just say he got hammered...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

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Redneck Jimmy

In a small town there was a well liked Redneck named Jimmy. However, he was often in bad company as he tried to be friends with everyone. His two best friend were widely regarded as a pair of useless drunks. Still, everyone would smile and greet Jimmy whenever they saw him.

One day however, ...

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.

Blonde 1: What are you doing?!

Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.

Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

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