UPJOKE
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What do antimatter and MC Hammer have in common?

Can’t touch this

I asked my physician why he hits people on the knee with that little rubber headed hammer

He said "just for kicks"

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

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When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and...

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

A police officer is hammering furiously on a guy’s door. When the guy opens the door the officer says; “Do you know what GBH is?”

The guy say; “eh, no I don’t.”

The officers says; “Do you know what GTA is?”

The guy is just as clueless and says no.

The officers pushes on unperturbed; “Well, do you know what AS is then?”

The guy shakes his head and says; “ No officer, I don’t know what AS is. Why are ...

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

I named my hammer Thor

Because after swinging it all day my arm is thor.


I tried to post a pic of it as part of this, but there was no option for that.

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

This is the hammer, this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench...

...you know the drill.

I hate going to M.C. Hammer's house....

He won't let me touch anything.

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Before Jesus died

He got hammered

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

Why did the genie grant Johnny with Amber?

He asked to get hammered, but he got miss heard.

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook?

The charges were too legit to acquit.

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

What do you get when you hit an avocado with a hammer?

A whack-a-moley

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What’s wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny’s mother started.
"Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I d...

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An Hammer had sex with an Hoe.

They named their baby Homer

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, All over this land.

I'm not allowed a hammer.

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An American college student is in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day

So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The Amer...

Jeffrey Dahmer and Armie Hammer are eating Ronald McDonald

Armie asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Jeffrey responds, "I think it's ginger."

What Armie Hammer’s favourite band?

Fine young cannibals

A woman is in bed with her lover, when they hear her husband get home.

\- Your husband's here! quick, where do I hide? asks the lover.

\- Relax, -says the woman- he's been with his buddies all evening. He's likely so drunk, he won't even notice you're in bed. Just cover yourself with the sheets and wait until he falls asleep.

The husband then opens the...

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

When you’re a toe hammer...

Every problem is a toenail.

A duck walks into a bar.

And cheerfully asks the bartender:

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: Err...fish? No, this is a bar, dude.

Duck walks out disappointed but comes back after a short while.

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: No. I already told you. This is a bar.

The duck, clearly dis...

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

What did the nail say to the hammer when he got the right answer to the question?

You hit the nail on the head!

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

A hammer has a lot of uses

For example, it can be a bus pass, or a dinner coupon.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

A guy in a Canadian city wants to get hammered.

He goes up to the local pub with a strong man blocking his way.

"I want to drink the night away!"

The muscular guard takes off his sunglasses and says,

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

I remember the last thing my Grandfather said to me before he passed away

What are you doing in here with that hammer?

I like making vegetables at home

All I need is a hammer.

What do you call a shy person with a hammer?

BASHful!

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

Volvo has Thor’s Hammer Daytime Running Lights. For 2021, Lexus introduces Nagasaki Airbags...

You won’t even feel the impact.

What will you call a dog with a hammer ??

Labra'Thor'

I saw a man sitting in a parking lot, beating his forehead with a hammer. I asked him, "why are you doing that to yourself!?"

He replied, "because it feels so good when I stop doing it!"

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Hammer time

John the ranch hand is told to team up with Annie the young college girl helping out over the summer. They have been meanding fences in the foothills for a few days so they've got a donkey with them with a tool pack and supplies strapped on its back since the terrain is too rough to get a vehicle ...

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

Once I told a joke about a hammer

I nailed it

I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.

Boy am I Thor.

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.

One day he was called in to take down a small cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day h...

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

I’ll never forget my Grandma’s final words :

“What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

Does anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

If not, a 3 day old Jimmy John's sandwich will work too.

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

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Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk ...

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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'

The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

'Well,' ...

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.

"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."

"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a s...

A guy runs into the police station and shouts:

"you have to lock me up please, lock me up!"
The office looks at him and asks: "why what did you do?"
The guy:" I hit my wife on the head with a hammer"
The officer:" and she's dead!?"
The guy:"If she died I wouldn't have come here"

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

A boss and his employee are discussing the testing of their products

Employee : we have got to stop testing our products on animals

Boss : oh yeah ? Other companies do it all the time , so why shouldn't we ?

Employee : yeah that's good and all but we make hammers

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

This guy was hammered at work today

So we called the cops. Get this, they didn't take the guy who was hammered away, but the person who threw it.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

Makes me sickle

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

I just finished my carpentry exam. I got 80% for drilling, 90% for planing, but 100% for hammering!

Nailed it!

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

Hit it on the head!

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

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A man walking home late one night from the pub..

Decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. He’s walking through then starts hearing a tapping noise. He gets a little scared and speeds up but the tapping seems to get louder and closer so he starts running and dodging around gravestones but the tapping gets louder.

He runs round a larg...

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