A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

What did the hammer do to his wife?

He nailed her.

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

​

“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

What did the nail say to the hammer at the bar?

"Stop hitting on me!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

What's that thing you eat with a hammer?

Gwhack-a-moley

My Dad always said I hammer like lightning

I never strike in the same place twice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You're locked in a car with only a hammer, how do you get out?

>!You unlock the car, fuckin' idiot.!<

Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

Makes me sickle

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

Did you hear about the new Jack-Hammer Technology?

It was groundbreaking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.

It was rubbish!!

He wouldn't let me touch anything.

Why does Thor carry a hammer?

Because he already has a thorax.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

What did the hammer say after a job well done?

Nailed it.

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the cou...

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?

A tool eater bottle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance eng...

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

&ndash; Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

&#x200B;

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

&#x200B;

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

&#x200B;

"How does it work?"

&#x200...

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand....

Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and...

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom?

Because it's a toad's tool.

What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common?

Can't touch this!

Hit on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me...

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

A Duck walks into a bar

Duck asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?' Bartender says, "Of course not, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." Duck leaves but returns an hour later. "Got any grapes?" Bartender leans forward and says, "I told you before we don't have any grapes. Get lost." Another hour passes and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got fucking hammered last night so I made sure I took the bus home

It was ok, except for all the passengers screaming at me to stop driving.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.

&#x200B;

the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

How did the 3 little pigs build their houses?

With HAMmers!

Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.

"I've suctioned myself to the floor."

"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck re...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."