I saw a magician walk on spikes today...

His performance was on point.

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What do a covered pit with spikes at the bottom and the internet have in common?

They're both booby traps.

What do you call a latex suit with spikes inside?

S*pain*dex

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

R*pe joke

A rope walks into a bar

Bartender: We don't serve your kind here

The rope goes out, twists itself up, spikes his hair and goes in again

Bartender: Aren't you the same guy from minutes before?

Rope: No, I'm a frayed knot

What happens when you spike Hawaiian Punch?

It gets a lil' kick. :)

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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways.
One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made e...

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An old woman is in a coma in a hospital and has been for 6 months...

One day a nurse is giving the comatosed woman her daily sponge bath and when the nurse rubbed the lady on her special place she noticed the heart monitor dramatically spike up indicating the woman might have responded!

The nurse inform the doctors who immediately call the woman's husband to ...

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The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

Why was Spike Lee mad after the Oscars?

Jussie Smollett got the Oscars for writing, producing and directing BlackKlansmen

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Spike & The Parrot.

A woman called a dishwasher repairman. Since she had to go to work, she told him she would leave the key under the mat and for him to
leave his bill on the counter and she would send him a check. "Don't worry about my Dobberman Spike. He won't bother you, but, whatever you do, do not, under any ...

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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"

The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.

While ...

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?

The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

Never buy Drugs from a volleyball player

They bump the price up
Set the location
And spike there product

Spike from the Land Before Time movies is the best character ever!

Literally in the first 30 seconds after hatching he yawns, eats an entire bush, and takes a nap, he’s like me on valentines day.

Never go on a date with a cactus

They'll spike your drink

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Tony ambled into a bar

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spi...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

An adventurer finds a huge tower

On the first floor he finds to his left a ladder and to his right an attractive woman. She tells him, "Take me here or climb to success." His curiosity gets the better of him so he climbs the ladder.

On the second floor he finds a woman even more attractive than the first one! She says, "Take...

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

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A teenager is walking down the street...

He's dressed up in all leather with spikes and studs and has a mohawk dyed like a rainbow. He notices an old man on a porch up ahead staring him down intensely. He just smiles to himself and keeps walking.

As he passes the house, he sees the old man has yet to take his eyes off him. Finally h...

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

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Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is...

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A man's wife falls into a coma

While she's in the hospital, the nurses notice that when they wash the wife's genitals, that her brain activity spikes. They tell the doctor who eventually calls the husband in to talk to him about this phenomenon.

"Sir, we believe we may be able to pull your wife out of this coma, but the tr...

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

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A friend of mine likes shits and giggles

So I spiked her drink with laxatives and laughing gas.

Golf Shoes

Paul, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitc...

Donald Trump invites Obama, George W Bush and Bill Clinton to Mar-a-Lago for a President's weekend.

They decide to play volleyball, Democrats vs Republicans. As they walk to the court, Bush asks Trump, "I gotta ask, why didn't you release your tax returns?" Trump replied, "Well, I was going to eventually, but as the public became more demanding I felt like caving in to that kind of pressure would ...

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t...

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Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night.

I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

Never trust volleyball players with your drinks

They might spike 'em.

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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without bat...

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Three men went into the jungle

And were caught by a tribe of cannibals. The three men started pleading for their lives, and the chief, pitying them, gave them a chance.

Chief : Alright, I will offer you a chance to save yourselves. Each of you will go out into the forest accompanied by our men, and you will bring back 10 o...

A woman is going to give birth soon...

...but the doctors find out that she will die of pain during childbirth.
She and her husband are mortified.
So, a scientist invents a machine that can share the pain between the father and mother of the baby, so she won't die.
Two days later, the woman is in the delivery room, while h...

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A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat

directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow ...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

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Bob goes to Vegas

Bob went to Las Vegas and won big, really big. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms; This is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what you have won. After winning half a million dollars at roulette, the casino gives Bob a ...

A farmer was tending to his livestock.

George, a farmer, was tending to his livestock when he noticed something about the grass. The grass in his field had smelled like chocolate. Also, he notices that his cows wouldn't eat this part of the field. The pigs and chickens would eat it, but not the cows. Over time, the milk the cows made was...

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A guy buys a chihuahua guard dog....

After a high spike in the local crime rate, a guy decided it was time to buy a dog to protect his home and family. Wanting a trained guard dog, he went to the local training school.

He tells the salesman he is looking for a good guard dog, but his house isn't that big and he has a postage s...

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An old man was riding the subway.

A young man was sitting across from him He had wildly spiked hair with streaks of color: blue, yellow, red, and purple.

The old man was staring at him intently, so the young man said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything out of the ordinary in your life?"

The old ...

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I'll never forget that moment when I first looked into her eyes....

I felt my knees go weak, butterflies in my stomach and my heart was beating like mad.

That's when I realised I'd spiked the wrong fucking drink.

Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party?

He spiked the drinks.

A young potato's night out

A young bachelor potato decides he wants a night out on the town. He hops in the shower and gets nice and clean, puts on some nice cologne, shaves off all those little hairs and puts on his best jacket. He decides to head down to a local bar for a drink and see where the night goes. As he orders his...

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

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My old man (a doctor)'s Favorite.

A man waits patiently in the lobby of the ICU to see his wife, who has been in a coma for over a month, when a nurse runs out and says that he is needed right away.

Standing outside the room, the nurse tells the husband, "This morning we were giving your wife a sponge bath and we noticed some...

Someone hit someone with a knife between his fingers.

I guess you could say he...Spiked his punch. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

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A man's wife is in a comma

During the woman's weekly sponge bath the nurse notices that the heart beat monitor spikes whenever the sponge slightly brushes the woman's vagina. The nurse immediately notifies the doctors in charge of her case and they come up with a plan that could wake her from the coma. They call in the woman'...

Disturbing Pattern of Suicides

When some scientists plotted the number of suicides per year, they discovered a curious pattern. Every four years, there would be a spike in the number.

This baffled them, until the old janitor said: "Perhaps it was not a good idea to call them leap years."

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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

What's the difference between the Friendzone and the Endzone?

Unlike football, you'll never get to spike it in the Friendzone.

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The Punk Rocker

A middle-aged guy gets on a bus and sits down. He looks across from him and sees a punk rocker with spiked hair dyed every color of the rainbow - blue, red, yellow, green, orange.

The punk rocker notices the guy gawking at him and says, "What's a matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything...

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...

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