From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

My mother does unspeakable things at the beach.

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

Dad: Hey, what happened to our neighbor?

Son: She got attacked by a group of mimes

Dad: Oh no, is she okay

Son: No, they did unspeakable things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

Mime

Got beat up by a mime the other day!! He did unspeakable things to me.

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends a...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight frien...

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A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

Did you hear about the Mime Murders?

It was an unspeakable horror

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

If a mime went jihadi and did a suicide bombing...

Would it be an unspeakable act of terrorism?

Johnny is going to his girlfriend's house...

He is going to meet her parents for dinner. But first he stops at the pharmacy to pick up some condoms in case of any special occurrences. He goes to the man at the counter and asks for a pack of condoms. The man gives him the box and says, "First time, huh?" Johnny says yes and describes all the un...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets home from sex trip in Thailand...

and realizes his penis became green and it hurts badly when he touches it. So he goes to consult a doctor.
Doctor: "Hm, yeah, that's a severe illness you got there. The only way to deal with this is amputation."
The man freaks out, screaming an cursing the doctor for suggesting the unspeakabl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

Women on death row

Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde are on death row for unspeakable crimes. Instead of the electric chair, they are to be shot by a squad of soldiers. The red haired girl is first, but she has an idea. The commander starts the count down: 3...2..1... The girl yells: "Earthquake!" Ever...

Job Application Humor

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Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

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As the pope lay dying he is visited by an angel...

This angel tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life.

The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:

"First, she m...

My late wife was abducted by a troupe of travelling Mime artists.

The police informed me, they did... Unspeakable things to her.

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