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9 Months Jokes

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

9 months isn't really that long

It only feels like a maternity

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Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake?

A cream pie!!!

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A baby spends 9 months getting out of someones pussy.

Then it spends the entire rest of its life getting back in again.

A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I do...

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

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9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months?

The fruits of her labor.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

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How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

I hear there might be a boom in babies 9 months from now

in 2034 will we call these kids Quaran-Teens?

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

Sorry wait for 9 months

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, ...

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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A woman 9 months pregnant with triplets is standing in a bank.

She is waiting in line when a masked gunman storms in and fires blindly hitting the woman three times in the stomach. She survives the bank robbery but goes into labor. She has two girls and a boy. Miraculously she survives and so do the triplets. Causing no issues the doctors decided that surgery o...

So I heard Rolf Harris got 5 years, 9 months...

His favourite

Apparently John Cena is going to miss 6-9 months of wrestling.

Now you really can't see him.

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Kid 1: I bet you’re a virgin

Kid 2: Not anymore, I got laid last night!

Kid 1: Yeah, right!

Kid 2: No, I’m serious! Just ask your sister!

Kid 1: I don’t have a sister…

Kid 2: You will in about 9 months

What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months?

A school application.

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Not only is King Charles formerly known as Prince...

He also spent about 9 months in Queen.

A classic project management joke.

A woman can give birth in 9 months.

A project manager thinks that 9 women can give birth in 1 month.

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

A man takes his service dog to the stripclub

The bouncer stops him at the door and says “We don’t normally allow animals in here, but according to the government, I can only ask what special task your dog has been trained to do, not what your disability is. So, what’s he do?”

“He takes the money to the dancer and puts it in her g-string...

My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...

I've only lived here for 9 months

A savage wife

Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby

When I came back the boss asked “So was it a boy or a girl?”

I said “I don’t know, I’ll tell you in 9 months”

I'm the happy father of 5 kids and none are vaccinated!

Edit: 4 kids

Edit 2: 2 kids

Edit 3: i will have a kid in just 9 months!

So my girlfriend and I broke up last year...

I dont want to say she was fat, but it took 9 months for my memory foam matress to forget her

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

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A guy tells his friend ...

Man, I'm not a virgin anymore!

Ya right, his friend replies. How can I believe you?

Ask your sister.

Good one, I don't have a sister.

Well, ask her in 9 months.

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

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the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

Why do kids prefer mom over dad?

Because dad kicked the baby out of his body and mom took it in for 9 months. It's pretty clear who the living parent is.

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

What did the new born baby say to the police officer?

I just did 9 months on the inside.

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

She said I'm too small

I said " small things have good qualities and its effects can last 8 - 9 months"

Husband & wife funny divorce

Husband & Wife went for divorce at court

Judge: you have 3 kids...How will you divide them?

They had long discussion with his wife and said,"Ok, Sir we will come next year with one more"



Joke doesn't end here

9 months later....They got twins!!

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

Men are better cooks

With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

My coming out story:

A long time ago I was a boy trapped in a woman’s body



9 months later I was born

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ...

I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.

"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"

You mean 9 months.

"Ken is 24 months!"

Deborah, he's 2.

"My baby is -26 weeks old!"

No, Karen, you miscarried.

Women who are pregnant with boy/s should be wary of skin cancer.

They'll be son baking for 9 months straight!

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

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Two friends are having a conversation

Friend1 : So, are you still a virgin?


Friend2 : Nope! Lost it last night.


Friend1 : Yeah, as if..


Friend2 : Ask your sister


Friend1 : Joke's on you; I don't have a sister


Friend2 : You will in about 9 months

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are chatting

Guy 1: Are you a virgin? I am.
Guy 2: I was a virgin two days ago.
Guy 1: Okay, got any siblings? I don't have any,
Guy 2: I don't, but you will in about 9 months.

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Math problem

Teacher: If a man and a pregnant woman are living in a house. How many people live in the house?

Matt: Two.

Teacher. Good. After 9 months, the woman is no longer pregnant. How many people are now in the house?

Matt: Two.

Teacher: No, Matt. There is now a baby so there are...

A man goes to his boss and says, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.”

When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?”

“Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”

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Unemployment xD xD [NSFW]

Condom: You take my job for a week.

Tampon: yeah but when you f*ck up I lose my job for 9 months.

When I was born I was circumcised.

It hurt so bad, I couldn't walk for a year. In fact, I was so mad at my parents that I didn't talk to them for 9 months.

Go to the movies

Little Billy comes home from school one day and sees a note on the bedroom door.

"We left $15 on the table, go to the movies"

Curious, Billy looks through the keyhole and sees his dad on top of his mom, saying "Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy".

9 months later Billy's mom gives birth to a lit...

I'm ready for a new sub...

But I'll have to wait 9 months till I can move over to r/DadJokes

Take my advice and use a condom

I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle

Spaghetti.

A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident.


Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martian Babies

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.

Finally, they get around to the subject of where babies come from.
"Just how do you guys do it?" ask the Earthlings.

“We’ll show you”, the Martians say.

Each Martian holds out two fin...

Two kids meet on their first day of primary school.

"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that clever?" says the other. "I let them carry me around until I was 4."

My dad told me most huge mistakes take only 5 seconds to occur

And there I was 9 months later

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