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Monitoring Jokes

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...

They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.

 


The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.

 

As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would wad...

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.

The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"

The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"

The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

A drunk stumbles out of a bar

He heads over to the parking lot where he left his car, trying to remember which one was his.

A police officer was monitoring the lot and immediately noticed the stumbling man. The officer walked over to him, looked at the drunks' face and said "Pardon me, sir- your eyes appear to be bloodsho...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young priest was taking his first confession...

An older priest was monitoring the confession and after it was over he said, "My son, can you say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk"?

The young priest was a little confused. "Yes, I can say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk'. Why do you ask, Father?"

The older priest replied, "Because, 'tsk, tsk, tsk' is infinitely bette...

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her ...

I heard the FBI and NSA is rejoicing at the rescue of those Thai students.

Now they can go back to monitoring Redditor accounts for "Thai, boys, deep, hole, wet, rubber face mask and sedatives" without all those pesky false positives.

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

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In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, loo...

Heard the one about the Russian hacker meddling in US elections?

The FBI agent monitoring your phone is going to love it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.

Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in t...

Man at a stop sign

So , a police officer is monitoring a road that has a stop sign and is known to be a problem for people who don't come to a full and complete stop.

After a few minutes he observes a person come to the stop sign, slow down and proceed on thru.

He stops the person and starts to write the...

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Two friends go hunting...

…..after a long day of hunting, they killed a few deer. One friend begins to field dress the deer, the other is having some stomach issues, so he goes to sit on a log and let nature run its’ course. In doing so, the man falls asleep on the log.

The friend that was field dressing the deer real...

A millionaire is looking for a housekeeper.

Three people showed up for the job. He wants to make sure they have good personal hygiene during work, so he put a camera in his big restroom monitoring the sink and see if they wash their hands after going to the restroom.

The first one finishes, doesn't wash his hands and walked out, the mi...

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, t...

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