UPJOKE
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Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.

I'm kind of a big deal.

What do you call a discord moderation bot?

Doesn't matter, hard to moderate discord

What do you call a good boi running at a moderate pace?

A joggo!

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.

The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.

Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

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Moderately funny

I’m a pilot and a southern moderate. To those of you who lean right or left, I say “Fuck yaw”.

Following my wife's guidance, I accepted the biblical command to be moderate in all things.

I struggled. Then I decided to add "moderation" to my list. Now everything seems back to normal.

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What did Donald Trump say to the moderately attractive Russian prostitute?

"You're an eight."

(say it fast)

What’s the difference between an American school bus and a D-Day Landing Craft? (moderately sensitive)

They wait for you to leave the school bus before opening fire.

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember it’s someone’s job to moderate r/jokes

r/Jokes is looking for a new Mod

We are getting little swamped with the queues and our lives, we could really use the help of a qualified individual.

Up-mods and down-mods don't matter in this thread, so don't try to push your app to the top.

Requirements:

* **An Active User** Being a Mod is hard work and will...

What's the difference between a radical Muslim...

Q: What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim?
A: The radical Muslim wants to kill you.The moderate Muslim wants the radical Muslim to kill you.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Take another card.

Rob is a rather successful small business owner living in the assuming lands of the mid-western United States. One day, as he arrives at his modest office and sits down at his modest desk and begins his modest work for the day, he hears a rather booming voice say, "SELL YOUR BUSINESS, ROB!" Startl...

You and your two friends die in car crash...

At the gates of heaven. St. Peter explains that everyone will get a partner in heaven to fit your desires but the quality is depending on how good you behaved on earth.

The first friend steps up to the gate:
"-You have sinned moderately so you will get a moderate looking partner."
<...

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Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

A scientists gets stationed in Antarctica...

The scientist was stationed at a moderately sized outpost, but unfortunately for him, he did not know anyone there.

Later that evening, he decided to hit up the only bar in the area, hoping to meet some of the fellow scientists and crew stationed there.

While he is sitting at the bar, ...

President Obama is doing his morning exercises...

...and jogging around the White House grounds when one of the Secret Service agents suggests he should see how fast he can circle the White House ten times. After all, it is a presidential tradition to try it at least once, and being moderately athletic, he figured he'd make pretty good time. So he ...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

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The Three Chinese Tortures

A man is stranded in the desert; he is tired, hungry, thirsty, and on the verge of death. As he walks along, he sees a house! He can't believe his eyes! He runs up to the house, and wildly knocks on the door. A small Chinese man opens up the door.

"Please help me! I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, ...

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

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Crappy biology bar joke

A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.




Because they were cultured cells..

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[NEW TO r/jokes.DON'T KNOW IF A REPOST] A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.

The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad sta...

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