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Medium Jokes

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

My pronouns are Rare/Medium Rare.

And if you don't use these, my feelings and mental health is at steak...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

Why do Irish mediums do business in the supermarket?

Because that's where they get the messages.

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Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife.

He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."

Condoms are available in three sizes.

Small, medium, and liar.

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

So, this fortune teller came in to buy a sweatshirt, but we were out of her size...

Let me guess. She's a medium?

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Pinocchio.

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend, doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends...

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she says, "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we do it, I get splinters!"

Pinocc...

Found a shirt that says, “I see dead people”

But I can’t wear it because it only fits mediums

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

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[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

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Guys with big dicks can talk to women. Guys with small dicks will speak to each other. What about guys with medium dicks?

They can talk to ghosts.

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

Jailbreak!

Diminutive psychic Chris Tolbol escaped from jail earlier today.

Police describe him as a small medium at large.

What do you call a 4 foot psychic that got away with robbery?

A small medium at large

What do you call a fat medium?

Four-chin teller

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

Are there any medium rappers?

They're always Big or Lil

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

Why did the medium cross the road?

To communicate with those on the other side.

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.

In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

What's the difference between medium and rare?

6 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

Source: The Jester by James Patterson

Someone told me there's a joke about a "small medium at large"

I can't say I totally believe them...sounds a little suspect to me.

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.

A blonde orders a medium pizza

The cashier asks if she wants it cut into four or eight slices.

"Hmm... four. I don't think I can eat eight."

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

What medium of exchange do cats use to get what they want?

Purrency.

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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

What happens to short people when they smoke weed , do they get high or medium?

Lemme tell you what happens to them
They get offended.

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My dick isn't a big or a small; it's a medium.

It gets much larger when a female ghost floats by.

Why do mediums drink?

To get in touch with spirits.

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What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

A blonde is on her way to Michigan...(Medium joke)

The flight attendant notices her sitting in first class sit, to which she doesn't belong. She asks the blonde to please move to her seat in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The flight attendent goes to the co pilot and asks him to reloca...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

I went to go see a medium

After meeting her I’d say she’s more of a large

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

People come to us whenever they want to talk to the dead.

Sometimes they are startled when they see us. My sister is pretty large and I’m pretty small. But together, I tell them, we are a medium.

Why is there never a happy medium?

You'd be bummed out to if you would have to deal with ghosts all day.

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An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

I have never managed to find a happy medium

All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

A farmer has three bulls, One small, one medium, and one large.

The large one looks over the herd of cows and says, "Half these cows are mine!" The medium-sized bull then says, "A third of these cows are mine!" And the small bull, looking crestfallen, says, "Well, the rest of these cows are mine!"

The farmer comes home one day with a simply enormous bul...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

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Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

A man goes to court to fight his parking ticket ...

When he arrives he has to wait in the waiting room. He looks over and spots a woman with a beaming smile. He asks "why are you so happy to be at court?" The woman replies, "I actually work here, and I love my job!" The man asks "What do you do?". The woman replies "I'm a psychic." The man says...

What size of pizza is the most spiritual?

A medium.

My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged?

I'm forum.

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

Did you hear about the child who could talk to dead people but no one would listen to him?

He was a small medium who was largely ignored.

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The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

We know that when a person smokes weed they get high…But…

When a short person smokes weed do they become medium??????

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

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