This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People always joke about having a small or a big dick. Mine is a medium.

It can talk to ghosts

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

Did you hear about the child who could talk to dead people but no one would listen to him?

He was a small medium who was largely ignored.

Abortions should be safe, legal and rare.

However, I am willing to accept medium rare or even medium as long as they are well seasoned.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that “there was a small medium at large”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

I order my steaks medium.

I just don't think I can finish a large.

Did you hear about the child with psychic powers? Apparently he's on the run from the police.

He's a small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

How do you cook a dinosaur?

Medium rawr

The local ghost whisperer took an unknown amount of her antidepressants this morning

We were worried she took too many or too few, but thankfully it was a happy medium

Why did the medium cross the road?

To communicate with those on the other side.

A Polish man goes to the optometrists for an eye test.

The optometrist had his eye chart on the wall with several lines of scrambled letters of various type size. The optometrist points to a line of medium size letters and says,"Can you read this line?" The Polish man says, "Read it! Hell yeah, I know the guy!"

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob walks into multichoice brothel…

Bob pays £100 for his lady friend for the evening.
Madame takes money and says…

‘how do you like your tarts breasts? Thin breasts, medium breasts, thick breasts’

‘Medium breasts’ says Bob and walks through the door with the ‘medium breasts’ sign on it.

Madame appears aga...

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

What's the difference between medium and rare?

6 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

Source: The Jester by James Patterson

Someone told me there's a joke about a "small medium at large"

I can't say I totally believe them...sounds a little suspect to me.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

Two ghosts were arguing...

Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communi...

A blonde orders a medium pizza

The cashier asks if she wants it cut into four or eight slices.

"Hmm... four. I don't think I can eat eight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

What do you call a fat medium?

Four-chin teller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

A dwarf spiritualist broke out of prison today.

Police say there is a small medium at large.

Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.

Why do mediums drink?

To get in touch with spirits.

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

What happens to short people when they smoke weed , do they get high or medium?

Lemme tell you what happens to them
They get offended.

I went to go see a medium

After meeting her I’d say she’s more of a large

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick isn't a big or a small; it's a medium.

It gets much larger when a female ghost floats by.

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

A blonde is on her way to Michigan...(Medium joke)

The flight attendant notices her sitting in first class sit, to which she doesn't belong. She asks the blonde to please move to her seat in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The flight attendent goes to the co pilot and asks him to reloca...

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

My friend came up to me and said, "Dude I'm starting a sweatshirts business. It's going to be huge".

I said "Alright make sure you have it in small and medium also."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

The Three Kingdoms of Int

In a faraway land called Int there lay three kingdoms: the Smaller, the Taller, and the Medium. An adventurer by the name of Jawn came to the three kingdoms, looking for the fabled elixir of Blue Milk. Jawn knew that this fabled elixir lay in one of the kingdoms of Int so he went to each kingdom. Ho...

A man walks into his favorite restaurant…

He sits down and orders a medium rare ribeye steak. As he’s eating, he looks up and sees a woman giving him a dirty look. The man assumes the woman is a vegetarian since she is only eating a large bowl of salad and greens.
The man tries to ignore her but after a few uncomfortable minutes he puts...

A middle schooler was told he needed a jockstrap and cup...

...for flag football.

He had some allowance saved so decided to go to the sporting goods store to purchase the necessary items.

He really had no idea what he was supposed to buy so he asked the lady at the counter for assistance.

"She says, "So you need a jockstrap and a ...

I have never managed to find a happy medium

All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.

Why could the petit clairvoyant never find a dress that fits?

Everyone thought she was a medium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

I invited my family for dinner

They specifically requested a small portion of bull meat each, but I bought a huge slice of cow meat, and I cooked it medium rare

Guess I made a big miss steak

A farmer has three bulls, One small, one medium, and one large.

The large one looks over the herd of cows and says, "Half these cows are mine!" The medium-sized bull then says, "A third of these cows are mine!" And the small bull, looking crestfallen, says, "Well, the rest of these cows are mine!"

The farmer comes home one day with a simply enormous bul...

My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged?

I'm forum.

A man and a woman sat down at a table to eat

I go up to them, ask what they would like to drink, and inform them of the specials tonight, the specials being a T-bone steak, or tilapia.

I take their orders and get them their drinks. A few minutes later, the chef signals that the orders are done.

Sitting on the delivery tray are 3...

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

Library

So this guy walks into a library. He approaches the librarian and says: “I’ll have a double whopper, medium fries and a diet coke, please”.

The librarian looks puzzled and responds: “Erm, sir, you are aware that this is a library...?”

The man: *whispers* sorry, so that was a double wh...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.