The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown


*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

You ever heard of the short tempered doctor?

No? Makes sense, he doesn't have any patients.

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

What do yo call a tall, muscular Irishman with a temper that you shouldn't mess with?

Liam Malone

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then fi...

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

What's round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper

Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.

Little Johnny was staying the vacation at grandpa's.

Little Johnny asked grandpa if he could get him something to drink? Grandpa went to the kitchen to get Johnny some lemonade.
Whe Grandpa got back from the kitchen little Johnny threw a bucket at grandpa's feet. Grandpa lost his temper and shouted "why the hell did you do that you little brat?!"...

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Did you hear the one about Hitler's temper?

He was Fuhrerious.

Once upon a time there was a train operator who had a really bad temper

There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. Nobody liked him. He would always bark at people and be aggressive towards them.
One day an 18 year old girl tried to get on his train near its departure time, but being the man he was, he started moving the train, she fell under it and died...

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

What is the keyboard shortcut to becoming an idiot who throws temper tantrums like a child?

Alt-right.

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

My daughter was throwing one of her temper tantrums when she shouted at me...

"Well sorry for being born!"

I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "It's all right, just don't do it again."

The Farmer had an ill-tempered Donkey.

The donkey would refuse to plow the fields and would kick any anyone that came close to him. One unfortunate day, the donkey kicked the farmer's wife, who died from the blow. During the funeral, thousands of men showed up from all over the province. Feeling amused, a neighbor asked the farmer, "That...

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A woman ask her therapist about her husband's temper

The therapist asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman replies, " I don't know what to do. My husband loses his temper everyday for no reason and it is starting to scare me."

The therapist advises, "I think I know a solution. When your husband starts getting angry, just take a gulp of wat...

People say Frankenstein's monster had a temper,

but actually he was surprisingly level headed.

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday

A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot...

If human smiths make tempered steel...

do dwarven ones make short-tempered steel?

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

What animal can only survive in temperate climates?

A lukeworm.

My mattress has a real attitude problem

I have a temper-pedic

What do you get when you cross a Mexican cholo and an ill tempered Irishman?

... a surprisingly stable person; according to my Homie O'Statis.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

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I'm starting an A Capella group with five other ill tempered pedophiles.

We're called Six Dicks in A Minor.

A southern minister decides to give a temperance sermon one day

Toward the end of the sermon, he says: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And most of the congregation nodded their heads in approval.

Even louder, he shouts: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" T...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

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The man and the frog

A man with a dick of 50cm went to the doctor.
Could you please get it a little smaller doctor? he asked.

The doctor had to let him down, because he couldn't. However, he said, there is a frog that turns up at night, and if you ask him to marry you and he'll say no, your dick will shrink....

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This is an old joke I heard from a neighbor as a kid.

A boy and his mother move to a new neighborhood, and on his first day of school, the teacher is going around asking everyone’s names. When she gets to him, he says his name is “Buttitches.”

The teacher is annoyed, and demands his real name.

“Buttitches,” he insists.

“If you do...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

Edit: Wow. So to all you humorless twats getting offended over a joke, I heard this while visiting my grandmother in the hospital. The Jewish woman (who was probably a little senile) that shared a room with her told me th...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

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[NSFW] Go home...

Bill the Giant, who's known to be a cruel brawler with a short temper sits at the bar.

A drunk, skin-and-bone old guy approaches Bill and grins, saying "I fucked your mom and it was so good."

People at the bar quickly move away not to be in the way of Bill's wrath but strangely, Bill s...

A man walked into a tuxedo store...

A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.

“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.

“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.

The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.

“H...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
M...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

After a short eternity of waiting for the couple to finally leave the last parking place, I was getting annoyed.

While I was about to start honking my horn and using my best vocabulary, my friend beside me was cool as a cucumber. After another five minutes of waiting, I just had to ask why the normally hot tempered man was so calm.

"It's simple. I'm assuming they are Catholic and just don't have any e...

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Fuck you Korea

100% true.
My friend works as a biosecurity agent at Auckland Airport and told me about a time when his Korean colleague, Alex, had to process a Chinese passenger with a thick accent.

Alex: "Is there anything in your bag we should be concerned about?"

Passenger - " Fuck you Korea!"<...

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A man walks into a bar...

...and waves to the bartender, another guy.

"I want three drinks, one for me, one for you and one for your fucking mother!"

The bartender frowns, but chooses not to say anything, and pours three drinks in front of the guy. The guy drinks one, the bartender other, and the third one is l...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

My wife went shopping and we got into a fight

My wife went shopping and we got into a fight when she came home.

She spent $1000 on a bag of pasta. I couldn't believe it, and I lost my temper.

But she reassured me that it would be worth every penne.

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

Twas the day before Christmas and chaos reigned at Santa's

A severe blizzard had trapped everyone indoors for the past three days.
The reindeer had all come down with a mysterious illness and had been quarantined. The FAA had grounded Santa's sleigh for failing to meet safety standards.
The elves were striking for better working conditions...picket li...

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A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...

In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."

A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

A guy and his dog walk into a bar.

The guy asks the bartender: „My dog can speak. Can I get a free beer if he speaks with you?“



“Sure“, the bartender said, not believing the guy.

„Okay, dog“, says the guy.“ What’s on top of a house?“

“Roof!“, the dog answers.



“That’s not speaking, that’s ju...

A Man is driving down the road with his...

A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!" The man ...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

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A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

the Ogre and the Trids

Once upon a time long, long ago there were beings called Trids barely making a living on the side of a hill. They knew, however, that there was a beautiful field of valuable Flurd just on the other side of the hill, and if they could get their hands on some of that Flurd, their lives would improve i...

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

Men are like steel

They're useless when they lose their temper

A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing...

A blonde rear-ended a sports car...

A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.

A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a cir...

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

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A man goes to confession at his local church...

He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Tell me what happened, my son” replied the priest

“Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I’d been playing a gre...

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An unfortunate fast-food visit.

A guy walks into a fast-food restaurant. As soon as he goes in he slips and falls down, everyone laughs at him. The guy doesn't seem to give it that much of a deal and proceeds to wait at the line. There are 2 people in front of him which shouldn't take time. After the people are done ordering, the ...

The blonde went to see her doctor.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me i...

What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?

One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.

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