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Progressive Jokes

What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

Alabama is a really progressive state...

Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

Why was the ghost progressive?

Because he had transparents.

LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive

Everyone there is LGBT

The progressive mobster

He kills women and children also.

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

Why are so many robots progressive?

Many of them have transistors.

I am a very progressive indian

I break the stereotype that all Indians are smart

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

Jacinda Ardern is so progressive..

..that her country are already living in the next decade!

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.

Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.

If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

What's the opposite of a progressive?

A French tank.

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

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"We are the most diverse and progressive office in the country!"

A white man of about 35 sat down in the manager's office, ready for his interview. He was applying for a job as a chemical engineer, trying to engineer cleaner catalytic converters for cars.

"So, welcome to Cleaner Industries! We are the most diverse and progressive office in the country!" sa...

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of germs?

A Social Distance Warrior

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

An out of touch radio station dj and a 70’s promoter have a conversation

So I have the greatest progressive rock bands in one line up!

Great! So get on with it, who’s on first?

Yes

Yes is on first?

No

So who’s on first?

That’s right!

What’s right?

What you just said!

Look… if I’m looking at the poster, it alw...

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

Why aren't progressives worried about things getting worse?

Because they are getting progressively worse.

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

In a progressively incestuous household...

...it's about upping the auntie

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

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What do you call a basement full of progressives?

A whine cellar.

After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.

Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.

a women goes to seek out advice about her husband's hearing, as the situation seems to be getting progressively worse she's increasingly worried about him

"He'll be fine don't worry mam, he's in good hands"

assured the senator.

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

What's a Democrat's favorite genre of EDM?

Progressive house.

A man goes to join a monastery

When introduced to the abbott, he finds out it is a progressive monastery, where, while they generally keep the vow of silence, they are allowed to say two words every five years. The guy agrees to it and becomes a monk.

After 5 years the abbott asks him what he has to say. He says: "bad food...

Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

What kind of tea is hard for democrats and progressives to swallow today?

Reality.

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

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