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I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I’m a fairly modern man

But apparently, they don’t make a great birthday present.

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

For thousands of years two powerful Chinese families, the Wong's and the Lee's, have been at war. Their battles have become history. Their members have become legends. Through all the years they've fought eachother, they have become more powerful than any other family in history.

Their constant quarrels and need to outperform eachother has caused them to form the basis of the modern world. When the Wong's invented toilet paper, the Lee's went on to invent the bidet. When the Lee's discovered how to make iron weapons, the Wong's spent years discovering the secrets of steel....

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Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

Moses was very modern

He was the first to get a tablet with a data from the cloud

My dad has this weird hobby, where he collects modern bottles

That sounds way better than alcoholic

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

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I am a modern day Zeus....

I am not strong or godlike, I am just constantly horny.

I have an irrational fear of modern architechture

My doctor says I have a complex complex complex.

People said I was crazy for getting mixed vaccines

But I like to think of myself as a Modern-izer

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at...

Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

We should start calling new jokes as modern jokes

Like modern art if no one is getting it then it is a hit.

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Did you hear about the modern rewrite of Moby Dick?

It starts with “call me cis-male”

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

Modern China's history isn't about what has happened

It's about what hasn't happened

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Why are modern cities all so prejudiced against ancient Sumerian cities?

They all have Ur-ban areas.

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.

Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.

Of all modern inventions the whiteboard is....

the most remarkable.

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Ole Blue

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actua...

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

An 80 year old man went to buy some clothes. He tried some modern tight dresses and when asked for a feedback, he told "These are like cheaply made castles."

No ball room

What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

What would the Dragonborn’s weapon be if Skyrim was a modern setting?

A Shoutgun, obviously!

Modern times:- Success is when your "signature" turns into "autograph", In olden times Success is

Success is if your "murder" turns into "assassination".

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It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

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The pastor states, “Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.”

Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, “What about PMS?” A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, “That’s easy. And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

What do modern-day witches ride?

Vacuum cleaners

What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

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Understanding modern British slang

Is a right Peng in the arse.

Why do melons hate modern laws?

Because they cantaloupe.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

The modern hassle of running around trying to keep your phone charged will probably seem really funny and old-fashioned to people in the future.

But not now, which sucks cause my phone's about to d

What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation?

Ok Loomer

Why are the Modern Warfare games inexpensive?

They come with a cheap Price

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

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ALEX TREBEK: This accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics

**ME:** *(spraying a mouthful of popcorn)* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB?!

Wisdom of ages

Johnny is cutting his nails when his grandpa stops by, and comments that he should not be cutting nails on a Thursday. Knowing that grandpa is the superstitious kind, Johnny ignores him and carries on.

A few weeks later grandpa visits again, and guess what - it is Thursday, and he catches Jo...

There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the mor...

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Love child is the modern term for a Bastard.

Love Island must be the collective term.

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

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What is the modern term for rebound sex?

An after thot.

Have you noticed how misleading modern smartphone deals are?

They're all so phoney.

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

What do oppressive regimes and modern CPUs have in common?

Speculative execution

Modern Banking Explained

Behold the following:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. "The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'...

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[Long] [NSFW] A man was born on a Native American reservation with one ballsack

The chief of a Native American reservation had a son who was born with only one ballsack, he was named one-stone because of this. One-stone grew up and moved to a modern day town and told everyone that if they called him One-stone he would kill them, so everyone believed him as he was very strong. O...

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

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[NSFW] A Modern Day Cinderella Story

Cinderella is getting ready to go out to the club and tells her fairy god-mother that she wont be home until around 2 am. The fairy god-mother warns her, "If you're out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin." Scared about what will happen, Cinderella reluctantly decides that she will b...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

What is the most famous Pokemon in modern art?

Pablo Pikachu

What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world?

Send.

Math/music joke: What do you get when you subtract original blues from modern blues?

Delta blues.

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I have a habit of reading when I am travelling via train.

This one journey I was reading *Mein Kampf*.

Suddenly this one lady in the cabin caught sight of the title and immediately started a ruckus. She snapped at how inappropriate it is for someone in the modern age to read that regressive book. She even went on to call me a Nazi and continued rebu...

Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.

Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...

Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.

In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his bud...

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

Women are like modern art...

They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose.

I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx

Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction?

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Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

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