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What do you call a modern grammar nazi?

Alt-write

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

Magical Modern Devices

Three guys are talking about modern technology and how it's changed their lives. They're giving examples of how wonderful their gadgets are.

The first guy goes "My phone, it has more processing power than all of NASA during the moon landings - it can do everything from GPS to telling me the w...

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

It's a sad commentary on modern society that an entire loving family can be torn apart by such a simple thing

as a pack of wild dogs.

Why are the Modern Warfare games inexpensive?

They come with a cheap Price

Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

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Love child is the modern term for a Bastard.

Love Island must be the collective term.

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That's modern medicine... (Famous Norm Macdonald Joke)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up. He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her." I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body." And he says, "Trust me...

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

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A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.



At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.



But how will w...

Have you noticed how misleading modern smartphone deals are?

They're all so phoney.

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

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So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Eve...

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What is the modern term for rebound sex?

An after thot.

Modern art is like money.

I don't get it.

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

What happens when you play a modern country song, backwards?

Your truck fixes itself, your dog comes back to life, your girlfriend comes back to you, and your beer refills itself.

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

What do oppressive regimes and modern CPUs have in common?

Speculative execution

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[NSFW] A Modern Day Cinderella Story

Cinderella is getting ready to go out to the club and tells her fairy god-mother that she wont be home until around 2 am. The fairy god-mother warns her, "If you're out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin." Scared about what will happen, Cinderella reluctantly decides that she will b...

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue.

I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx

Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction?

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

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I am a modern man, I don’t mind buying tampons.

But apparently, they are not a “proper present”

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world?

Send.

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the mor...

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

Women are like modern art...

They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose.

In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

Modern Banking Explained

Behold the following:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. "The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'...

What's the scariest thing as a modern day doctor?

Flying united.

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It was autumn, and Indians on a reserve asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.



A few days later, as a practical...

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild.

EA

Who's a modern pirate for the 21st century?

Neckbeard!

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?

"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

"America"

Math/music joke: What do you get when you subtract original blues from modern blues?

Delta blues.

Modern Pedophiles

A pedophile sits in his van outside a middle school, to try and get 'lucky' with some of the girls just getting out of class.

The first girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I need directions."

She responds she doesn't talk to strangers...

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