Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:

Press this button to takeoff.

Press this button to turn the plane right.

Press this button to turn the plane left.

Pressing this button to go up.

​

At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.

&#x200...

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.

"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.

"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."

"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

Have you noticed how misleading modern smartphone deals are?

They're all so phoney.

What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

What is the most famous Pokemon in modern art?

Pablo Pikachu

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the modern term for rebound sex?

An after thot.

What happens when you play a modern country song, backwards?

Your truck fixes itself, your dog comes back to life, your girlfriend comes back to you, and your beer refills itself.

Modern day bullies be like:

"Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "*Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A Modern Day Cinderella Story

Cinderella is getting ready to go out to the club and tells her fairy god-mother that she wont be home until around 2 am. The fairy god-mother warns her, "If you're out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin." Scared about what will happen, Cinderella reluctantly decides that she will b...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue.

I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans"

But then they said NAAAA.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

What do oppressive regimes and modern CPUs have in common?

Speculative execution

I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx

Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction?

I got a Kindle for Christmas that only lets me download modern sociology audiobooks.

I think it speaks volumes on todays society.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

I am a modern man, I don’t mind buying tampons.

But apparently, they are not a “proper present”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.

He asked, "What is that for?"

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world?

Send.

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world.

​

He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and a talking dog

A young boy goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are stuck on a deserted island,

There was a tribe on the island untouched by modern humans so far. The three men met the tribesmen and the tribesmen told them to go grab some fruit. The first man comes back with a peach, they tell him to shove it up his ass and he can't make a sound or they will kill him. He laughs because of the ...

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the mor...

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

Women are like modern art...

They're hard to figure out, and we're not really sure if they even have a purpose.

In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus.

They both got too close to the son.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

Modern Banking Explained

Behold the following:

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. "The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'...

I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild.

EA

You can lead a horse to water

...and you can now make him drink thanks to modern science!


Hi Billy Mays here to tell you about a joke that's front page material!
I'm not asking for 30,000 upvotes, I'm asking for $19.99 + shipping and handling.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!
CLICK NOW AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR KAR...

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?

"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?

"America"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.

​

We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.

​

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like i...

Modern Pedophiles

A pedophile sits in his van outside a middle school, to try and get 'lucky' with some of the girls just getting out of class.

The first girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I need directions."

She responds she doesn't talk to strangers...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Indian Chief predicts weather in modern society

It was autumn, and members of a Native American tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. To play it safe, he rep...

Math/music joke: What do you get when you subtract original blues from modern blues?

Delta blues.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is getting released for the second time in Iraq.

They're renaming the game to The Sims 5.

After much debate comparing early black communities to modern during all these officer related shootings

They have decided water hoses weren't so bad

Dave walks into an art gallery.

Dave : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer : I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror.

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

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