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Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the memb...

Trump has mild Corona symptoms but he's ready for work, his doctor says.

After 3 1/2 years it's about time.

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(mildly NSFW) What is the difference between masturbation and shining your shoes?

When you shine your shoes you get them off -before- you rub them vigorously.

Mild joke

My teacher: what's your good name young man?

My friend: sir with all due respect I don't have a bad name.

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

I have a very mild form of Coronavirus.

Heinekenvirus.

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...

What do you call a mild disappointment?

This joke.

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The guy who got a job at the pickle factory.

He came home from his first day and his wife asked him how it was. He said it was great, but he couldn't stop watching the pickle slicer. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't couldn't stop thinking about putting his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife thought that was a little bit weird.

Ti...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing

Hahaha - saracstic laughing

Hahahaha - Staying Alive

Warning about new batch of "ice"

Police are warning drug users about a diluted, mild version of ice doing the rounds. They are calling it "crystal meh".

In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

Four ducks walk into a court room

The judge says, “What is your name and what are you here for?” to the first duck. He says, “My name is Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge says the same to the next duck. The next duck says, “My name is Quack Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge get...

[mild NSFW] How do you know you are dating a vampire?

He only goes down on you once a month.

I went to the doctor last month

I’ve had a pain in my leg for as long as I can remember. Nothing too bad, just a small pain that has always been there. It’s essentially been a part of who I am for all these years, but my wife finally convinced me to see a doctor to see if it can be cured.
After a week of thinking about a diagn...

i think i figured out the word for getting mildly electrocuted

shocking, right?

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

A midevil couple gets married (mildly nsfw)

On their wedding night, the bride says to the groom, "I offer you my honor".

The groom replies, "I'm honored by your offer"

It went on like that all night: honor and offer, honor and offer

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can ...

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My "go-to" joke in middle school. Mildly NSFW

Superman was flying around the city and was super horny. He spotted Wonder Woman lying on top of a building naked, with her legs spread. He figured he could fly down there, fuck her super fast, and be outta there before she even knew what happened. So Superman flew down at incredible speed, hit it h...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the mom...

A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.

A man was walking down the beach one day when he found a dirty old lamp in the sand.

He picked the lamp up and started rubbing the dirt and sand off the lamp to clean it when all of a sudden a Genie pops out of it in a big puff of smoke.

"I am the Genie of the lamp", says the Genie to ...

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Guy goes to see his doctor due to some mild discomfort down south.

Doctor asked What's your daily routine?
Well every morning the wife wakes me up with a blow job, I go down stairs for breakfast and the maid blows me in the pantry.
On the way to work I shag my chauffeur before she drops me at the office.
The secretary will meet me in the boardroom and scre...

Jared Fogle went from having a mild cholestrol problem

To a child molestrol problem

A friend tried to trip me up in an Indian restaurant, failed, and fell face first in to someone's mild chicken dish.

I call it instant korma.


I don't care if you like it, I can tikka or leave it.

Mild Racism - NSFW

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 5 black guys - Coach

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys - Quarterback

What do you call one white guy surrounded by a thousand black guys - Warden

An old woman walked into a dentist's office (mild NSFW)

took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''


''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

I went to a disco last night... (mildly NSFW)

They played The Twist, so I did the twist.

They played Jump, so I jumped.

They played Come on Eileen

I got kicked out.

[Mild SPOILERS] Nice to see Arya Stark FINALLY get involved in the war...

She really jumped into the Frey.

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3 Women are at a bar. (Mildly nsfw)

and they are all bragging about the sizes of their vaginas. The first one says, "My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole fist in it!" The second says, "Ha, is that all? My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole foot in it!". The third one just laughs and slides down the...

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese

But it's only mild

A joke that is mildly racist

How.come there were only 1800 Mexicans at the Alamo?

Because they only had two pickup trucks

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

I like my chicken like I like my holy infant.. Tender and Mild

I made this up while singing silent night in the middle of field while playing capture the flag, and natural after I just ate chick tenders.

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

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The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

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Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure.

**Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.

**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.

No Corona

Mike had just met Susie.

They went for a dinner and a movie, ending up in his pad.

She had just returned from China. She was jet lagged from the flight, with a mild cough.
The night was fun though.

He met her friend Mary the next weekend.

Mary: Hear about Susie?
...

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The old man gets an interview (mildly NSFW).

The old man gets an interview in his village. The interviewer asks his question:

"You lived here for quite some time, didn't you?"

"Ever since I was born! 75 years of my life!"

"All these youre must've gave you some experiences! Can you recall a nice story you witnessed?"
...

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

A blond woman walks into a electronics shop

The owner of the shops asks if he can help her and she points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ The owner says: ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’

So she leaves and comes back to the shop with a red colored wig on and points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Again th...

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

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A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

An Indian chief goes to the village shaman...

An Indian chief goes to the village shaman and asks him if this year's winter will be harsh. The shaman thinks about the question for a while, does his thing and says "oh yeah, it will be a terrible winter"

So the village stockpiles everything they can as to survive the terrible winter. Winte...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

A married woman is walking through a desert cave one day when she comes across a magical genie lamp

She rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out. "Thank you for getting me out of that cursed lamp! I... I was so crowded in there. Listen, to make it up to you, I'll give you three wishes".

The woman is overjoyed. She jumps up and down excitedly, but then the genie speaks again.

"However, I...

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

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The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

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