Mental Jokes - 108 Hilarious Mental Jokes

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What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room…

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just a...

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

Mental Hospital.

In a mental hospital, a mad man chases the senior doctor with a knife. The doctor runs for his life until he gets to a dead end. The mad man stops and says, "Take the knife, it's your turn to chase me."

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

What do you call a cow who is severely mentally ill?

Udderly Insane.

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If y...

A new patient has been interned in a mental asylum.

One of the doctors ask him:

- What is your name?

- John F Kennedy, sir.

- Great, another president...

- No sir! I'm not the president, I'm the airport!

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In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients

he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving"
patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book"
then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too"
patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem"

But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table
the doctor excla...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Hulk Hogan had to overcome serious mental issues in order to be famous.

He had to..wrestle mania.

“I’m seeing things Doc!” Protested the mental patient.

“Well I ain’t no optometrist, but I think that’s what’s meant to happen.” Replied the psychologist.

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

For Xmas I got you mental arithmetic.

It's the thought that counts.

Are you struggling with a mental illness?

Or are you really good at it?

What do you call a horse with good mental health?

Stable

Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health?

Because it's soda pressing.

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

Why do people who own magazines have mental health conditions?

Because obviously, they have a lot of issues.

A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.

A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.

The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

Why did the mentally ill billionaire try to purchase Antartica?

Because he was bi-polar.

Mental hospital

The doctor is having a test on his patients to see if they are already fit to go back on their normal lives.

So the doctor drew an imaginary door using crayons on a big wall to see if the patients can distinguish a real door or not.

Then the doctor said "Who wants to go outside?" point...

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

I’ve lived with a mental illness for 5 years.

I’m now single.

A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum

To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".

When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.

The official approaches the woman and asks: "why are...

I'll stop making jokes about my mental illnes

when my mentall illnes stops making a joke out of me

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

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First day at a mental asylum.

There was a guy who just got a job at a mental asylum. On his first day, he wanted to familiarise himself with all the patients at the facility. While doing so, he met this dude who looked perfectly normal, muttering some things to a wall. As he came closer, he started to make out what he was saying...

Mental note:

Asking someone how many one night stand trophies they have isn’t an appropriate way to ask how many children they have.

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

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Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

In a mental asylum

Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!"

A doctor visited a mental patient in his room...

He found the patient in his bed lying on his side. He came closer and heard the patient singing a song.

Doctor: Wow, it looks like you’re getting better.
Patient: *continues to sing*

The doctor was very pleased. He continued to watch and listen to the patient. All of a sudden, the p...

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My therapist says I should think of my mental health like sex

Because I always come first

What do you call a mentally challenged rapper?

Why a rap autist of course.

My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?...

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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You guys hear the one about the orderly sleeping with mental patients?

He was fucking nuts.

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

Mental asylum

Dude walks by the mental asylum and hears a person screaming "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!"

He thinks nothing of it and walks on. Later that same day when he's returning he hears the same voice screaming again "thirteen, thirteen!!!"

Then he sees a small hole in the wall and decid...

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution....

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood...

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

in a mental hospital

first patient: "I am Napoleon."
the doctor: "How do you know that?"
first patient: "God told me."
second patient: "That's not true, I didn't tell him anything like that."

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

A patient in a mental hospital

finds a pen, and promptly shows it to another patient, and asks, "Is it yours?"
The 2nd patient takes the pen, grabs a piece of paper, writes something and says. "Yep."
"How can you tell?"
"My handwriting."

A visitor enters a mental asylum...

And sees three patients sitting at a table laughing uncontrollably as they chat amongst one another.

Patient 1: Sixteen!

\*They all laugh laugh historically\*

Patient 2: Five!

\*They all bursts out laughing\*

Visitor: Excuse me doctor,...

I only go after women who are locked-up in Mental Institutions.

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.

One night, they decided they didn’t like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there’s a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn’t going to do that, because he’s afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: “hey, I’ve got this flashlight with...

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

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A Tale of a Mental Ward

A sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac, and masochist are in a mental ward together, talking to each other in order.

"I know what we should do, let's torture a cat!" said the sadist.

"After torturing the cat, let's fuck it!" said the zoophile.

"Torture it, fuck it,...

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

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Having sex in a mental hospital

Now that's fucking insane.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

Mental hospital

A man was walking beside tha wall of a mental hospital then he heard all the patients shouting 25,25,25 continuously. He thought what is happening inside why they are shouting 25,25,25 then he saw a hole in the wall and he peeped through it and at that moment someone from other side of the wall pok...

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Job Interview: Mental Asylum

A newly graduated Psychiatrist goes to an interview at a Mental Asylum....

"So you're interested in coming to work for us here? Tell me what is your experience with mentally deranged people?"

"I've been on Reddit for nearly 6 months now"

"You're hired!"

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary...

It means 75% are running around untreated.

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Gay is a mental illness

You're not thinking straight

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams

Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

That Coronavirus mentality

Why wait for the Coronavirus to wipe you out, when you can stock up on toilet paper and do it yourself?

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Mental Institution

So this guy delivers packages to this mental institution but has never gone in. He was curious one day and decided to go in and he met with the main supervisor and he took him around. So they were walking down the halls and they saw a door that was open. Inside was a person who was playing imaginary...

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Working in a mental institution

There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on

The next room...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

In the mental hospital:

Patient: *singing, lying on his chest. Doctor: *passes by. Patient: stops and sits up. Doctor: why did you stop? Patient: it’s time for side B. *lies on his back and continues singing.

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the pat...

a misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next buil...

A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution

There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.

The people on the other si...

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

Mental hospital

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.

Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
<...

Mental institution

There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his h...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

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