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Trauma Jokes

I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

What kind of trauma does a biologist get?

Petrie-SD

Guys I’m so proud of this

I had always thought becoming sterile through testicular trauma was the same as having a vasectomy

Turns out, there's a vas deferens

A newly released Harvard study links NFL head trauma to erectile dysfunction...

The players could sue but I dont think it would stand up in court.

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It's impossible to describe the trauma of being the child of an abusive mason.

But it's twenty years later and I'm still shitting bricks.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

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Generational Trauma is bullshit

My parents belittled me for every small mistake or just being myself as a kid, and I turned out fine. I only have two felony assaults on my record, and I control my anger by making my son cry when I get home from work.

With all the sadness and trauma

going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed.



Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully on 11 April 2016 aged 83.



The most traumatic part for his family was get...

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”


Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”


Woman: “Oh thank God!”


Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.


Woman: “Oh no!”
...

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

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what is it called when weed makes you see some scary shit

Blunt force trauma

What do nanomachines and masochists have in common?

they harden in response to physical trauma

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy?

Blunt Trauma

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I’ve been married twice and both my wife’s died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.

Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?

Man 1: She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...

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If you have a bad stutter, never accuse your wife of being a "hoarder."

Severe head trauma could result.

What happens when a CS:GO streamer experiences psychological trauma ?

They use a 360-no-scoping mechanism.

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking marijuana rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

Every morning, my roommate wakes up, smokes a joint, and then throws it at me.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma.

Double amputee goes missing from local hospital

"Well, it's not like he could have grown legs and walked off", alleges trauma specialist.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

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I had a talk with my therapist

Me: you know I feel like people keep cutting me off in life and bursting my bubble so that along with my childhood trauma gave me more than enough reason to come to you for therapy

"Sir this is a McDonalds drive-through"

Always carry a gun with you

That way if you get robbed you can just shoot your self, Inflicting years of mental trauma on them winning the fight in the long run

Idk if this is a repost but here goes

A psychiatrist is talking to one of his most difficult patients. "Let's go back to what you said last time, about how all of your troubles began, what was it, a year ago?"

"Sure thing, Doc. Well, as I said, I had gotten into the Airbnb scene at the time, and I had a couple of, "tenants", as i...

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but the...

There was a support group for parents who had lost their children.

Every week, many would gather to share the horrible trauma they had experienced: Terminal illness, accidents, and other birth complications. However, there was one man who always came in on the same day for the past four years. He would always say the same thing: "Today would have been my son's birt...

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

I had a minor accident at work...

I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.

The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.

When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.

I knew I'd never see right again.

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

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Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed

His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day

I call it blunt force trauma

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.

The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.

A man asked the doctor what the line was for.

The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

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Final exam

My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

After the chuckling died down,...

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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

There was a woman with a hundred children

There was a woman with a hundred children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.

Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in lo...

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six was never the same after the war. The metallic clang of a dumpster closing and a garbage truck in the morning would bring him back to the enemy tanks running over innocent houses and villages whilst he and his surviving mates hid cowering in the bushes waiting for the metallic monstrosities to p...

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

Pillsbury Doughboy

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough,...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

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What a Man means when he says...

I’m hungry – I’m hungry.

I’m tired – I’m tired.

Do you want to go to see a film? – I would like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? – I would like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? – I would like to have sex with you.

Would you like to ...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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