I went to see a psychic and knocked on her door.

She said "Who is it?" so I left.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller

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A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died....

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

A man with family problems decided to go consult a psychic.

The psychic told him to come back in two weeks, bringing along a sample of sand from his yard.

So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand.

The psychic performed his rituals and said to the man, "I don't know if you can handle hearing this."

"Go ahead. I want to...

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

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A guy goes to a psychic so he can find out what future has in store for him.

After a few minutes the psychic tells him he will be responsible of milions of deaths.

The guy then leaves, very worried about what he just heard. While walking down the street, he sees a car going very fast towards a little boy and it was looking like the boy will get hit.

He runs to ...

Psychic: I’m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

The Psychic Never Saw it Coming

Why did the mystic drown when she fell into the pool?


She never claimed to be clair-buoyant.

Patient: Doc: I think I’m psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?

Patient: Next Thursday.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

What do you call an obese psychic?

A >!four-chin teller!<

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

Why did the psychic cross the road?

How the hell should I know.? What am I, some kind of mind reader. Go ask him yourself.

Being unemployed is horrible.

I never thought I'd lose my job as a psychic.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar...

He should have seen it coming, right?

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.

During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets u...

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street...

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

How do you announce that a psychic little person has escaped from prison?

"A small medium is at large."

Bonus:
A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

You should never pay to use a psychic

If they were any good, they'd know you weren't going to pay them!

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

Who here is psychic?

Raise my hand.

Donald Trump went to see a Psychic recently

Donald Trump went to a psychic recently to ask what she saw in his future. She closed her eyes and went into a trance before saying the following: "I see a parade in your honor in Washington D.C. There are hundreds of thousands of people lining the streets. They are all smiling, and cheering, and wa...

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?

To get in touch with the other side.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, you’re thinking—it’s psychic, moron!

Man and Psychic

Man: Will I pay u?

Psychic: No

Man: Wrong! here’s 10 bucks

Psychic: Dammit

Man: I want a refund

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

What do you call an overweight psychic in a pool?

Clair-bouyant

Did you hear about the psychic that started a clothing line?

Everything she sold was a medium.

Why did the psychic enjoy reading their book in the snow?

To improve their cold reading.

I went to a psychic who said she was a remote viewer

I bet shes seen a lot of couch corners in her time

I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day.

I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died.

Job ad: Position of a psychic at large international corporation open ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter you know where. The deadline is you know when.

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Hitler goes to a psychic and asks...

“On what day will I die?”

The psychic says, “On a Jewish holiday.”

Skeptical, Hitler asks, “How can you be so sure?”

“Any day, on which you die,” explains the psychic, “will be a Jewish holiday.”

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

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I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.

She said, "I know, leukemia is a bastard."

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Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

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I suspected my wife might be cheating on me so I went to my psychic to find out

And there she was, licking that bitch's pussy.

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

What time zone does your average London psychic run on?

Greenwich medium time.

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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

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Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fa...

What size shirts do psychics wear?

Medium

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

None, but they’ll tell you who will.

Psychic: Tell me about your paranormal experiences

Me: Well I've been ghosted by multiple women

What do you call a psychic kitchen remodeler?

Counter Intuitive!

My psychic got hit by a bus yesterday.

Useless prick.

You are invited to the Psychics conference

You know where, you know when and we know you're attending.

I wouldn’t say that I’m psychic,

but I do feel like I know exactly what was going through JFK’s mind when he was assassinated.

A man went to see a psychic. She looked into her crystal ball and she told him, “You will find $250 dollars within minutes of leaving this place.”

He came back the next day, very upset. She asked him what the problem was, he said, “On the way home I got pulled over and got a ticket! And I didn’t find $250 dollars!!” She looked deep into her crystal ball and said “Oops, I meant to say “You will be fined $250.””

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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

What happens when a psychic farts?

Gastral Projection

Why does Star Platinum make the best psychic?

He can sense people’s oras.

I started eating more pasta, and suddenly became psychic...

... you could say I had *penne* for their thoughts.

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

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