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Psychic Jokes

Two psychics meet in the street

One says to the other, "You're great, how am I?"

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

Putin goes to a psychic.

She tells him he will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

"Which holiday exactly?" asks Putin.

"Any day that you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

I went to a Psychic

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So I left.

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

What do you call a dwarf psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Where do psychics buy their crystal balls?

The Seers Catalogue

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live?

The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Which holiday? Putin asked.

The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday

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There's a Psychic convention.

All the psychics are there. Palm readers, Crystal Ball people, phone psychics. So the speaker says "has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up.
He says "has anybody here ever talked to a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up again.
He gets right down to the last que...

A man walks into a psychic’s booth…

“Can I help you?” the psychic asks. To which the man replies,

“I guess not.”

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A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died....

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

Bar Psychic

I'm going to miss the Apollo app, it made Reddit worthwhile.

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

Psychic wanted:

You know where to apply.

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I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.

She said, "I know, leukemia is a bastard."

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

A man with family problems decided to go consult a psychic.

The psychic told him to come back in two weeks, bringing along a sample of sand from his yard.

So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand.

The psychic performed his rituals and said to the man, "I don't know if you can handle hearing this."

"Go ahead. I want to...

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic on her period?

You get your palm red for free

Did you know Paul Atreides was a psychic?

He had quite a few Fremenitions .

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Did you ever hear about the psychic prostitute??

She'll really blow your mind!

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Why do you hire a psychic hooker?

So you can have your mind blown.

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

My psychic told me that I was going to experience heartbreak in 16-18 years.

So to cheer myself up, I got myself a puppy!

Once I was almost in love with a psychic

She left me before we met.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball

She should’ve seen it coming…

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."



His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

I went to go see a psychic the other day..

I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach?

To practice palm reading.

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic

He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"

I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy.

The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever.

The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman an...

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

I went to a psychic, and at the end of session realized she wasn’t legit.

She let me write her a check.

Man and Psychic

Man: Will I pay u?

Psychic: No

Man: Wrong! here’s 10 bucks

Psychic: Dammit

Man: I want a refund

Who here is psychic?

Raise my hand.

Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter repli...

What's the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday?

Throw Them A Surprise Party.

Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist

Why did the psychic cross the road?

How the hell should I know.? What am I, some kind of mind reader. Go ask him yourself.

Patient: Doc: I think I’m psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?

Patient: Next Thursday.

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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

Psychic: I’m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

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The famous psychic

A famous psychic was giving a show.

"How many of you have seen a ghost?" he said to the large audience. Several hands went up.

"Several of you, good. Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost." All but a few hands go down.

"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had ...

I once called a psychic

She asked who this was, so I hung up.

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?

To get in touch with the other side.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"

Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

What size shirts do psychics wear?

Medium

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Psychic Prediction Convention 2018

[CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.

Did you hear about the child with psychic powers? Apparently he's on the run from the police.

He's a small medium at large.

My psychic got hit by a bus yesterday.

Useless prick.

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

One psychic ruins the joke

Two psychics walk into a bar.

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

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