I went to see a psychic and knocked on her door.

She said "Who is it?" so I left.

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

A man with family problems decided to go consult a psychic.

The psychic told him to come back in two weeks, bringing along a sample of sand from his yard.

So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand.

The psychic performed his rituals and said to the man, "I don't know if you can handle hearing this."

"Go ahead. I want to...

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

What do you call an obese psychic?

A >!four-chin teller!<

Patient: Doc: I think I’m psychic.

Psychiatrist: When did this happen?

Patient: Next Thursday.

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

Why did the psychic cross the road?

How the hell should I know.? What am I, some kind of mind reader. Go ask him yourself.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

A psychic walks into a bar...

He should have seen it coming, right?

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, you’re thinking—it’s psychic, moron!

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.

During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets u...

How do you announce that a psychic little person has escaped from prison?

"A small medium is at large."

Bonus:
A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”

I am a psychic...

Now, I know what you're thinking.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

Who here is psychic?

Raise my hand.

Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street...

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?

To get in touch with the other side.

You should never pay to use a psychic

If they were any good, they'd know you weren't going to pay them!

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Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fa...

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

Donald Trump went to see a Psychic recently

Donald Trump went to a psychic recently to ask what she saw in his future. She closed her eyes and went into a trance before saying the following: "I see a parade in your honor in Washington D.C. There are hundreds of thousands of people lining the streets. They are all smiling, and cheering, and wa...

What do you call an overweight psychic in a pool?

Clair-bouyant

Why did the psychic enjoy reading their book in the snow?

To improve their cold reading.

I went to a psychic who said she was a remote viewer

I bet shes seen a lot of couch corners in her time

I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day.

I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died.

Man and Psychic

Man: Will I pay u?

Psychic: No

Man: Wrong! here’s 10 bucks

Psychic: Dammit

Man: I want a refund

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

Did you hear about the psychic that started a clothing line?

Everything she sold was a medium.

Job ad: Position of a psychic at large international corporation open ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter you know where. The deadline is you know when.

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I suspected my wife might be cheating on me so I went to my psychic to find out

And there she was, licking that bitch's pussy.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller.
My dad just told me this one and I thought I'd share it

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I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.

She said, "I know, leukemia is a bastard."

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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

What did the psychic say to the politician?

"I can't tell who's a better liar, me or you"

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

None, but they’ll tell you who will.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Psychic: Tell me about your paranormal experiences

Me: Well I've been ghosted by multiple women

What size shirts do psychics wear?

Medium

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Hitler goes to a psychic and asks...

“On what day will I die?”

The psychic says, “On a Jewish holiday.”

Skeptical, Hitler asks, “How can you be so sure?”

“Any day, on which you die,” explains the psychic, “will be a Jewish holiday.”

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

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Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

What do you call a psychic kitchen remodeler?

Counter Intuitive!

You are invited to the Psychics conference

You know where, you know when and we know you're attending.

What happens when a psychic farts?

Gastral Projection

My psychic got hit by a bus yesterday.

Useless prick.

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Psychic and Clairvoyants fair cancelled today...

Due to unforseen circumstances

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

I wouldn’t say that I’m psychic,

but I do feel like I know exactly what was going through JFK’s mind when he was assassinated.

A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."

"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"

"Ha! That's what you think!"

Why does Star Platinum make the best psychic?

He can sense people’s oras.

I started eating more pasta, and suddenly became psychic...

... you could say I had *penne* for their thoughts.

Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter repli...

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.

The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

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