UPJOKE
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Insane Jokes

What do you call the trail to the insane asylum?

A psychopath

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

Why did the vampire end up in the insane asylum?

He had turned batty.

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite ...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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A friend of mine has some really insane bowel movements.

Shits crazy.

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simp...

3 crazy people tried escaping an insane asylum

While running the first one said "if there is a tall fence well dig under it"
The second one said "if there is a short fence well jump over it"
The third one ran forword and said "guys we are screwed there is no fence"

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

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Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

Why did the insane Mexican man hijack a train?

I’m not sure, but I know he had a loco motive.

My wife and I were just laughing about how insanely competitive we are!

(I laughed more than she did, though.)

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I didn't say she was insane

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are meeting with a divorce lawyer.
The lawyer turns to Mickey and says,
"I'm afraid that insanity is not a plausible reason for divorce."
Mickey replies,
"I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

I heard a story about a man that went insane

He bought a new boomerang and kept trying to throw the old one away

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What do you call Harley Quinn's genitals?

Insane Clown Pussy

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Ever have sex with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, sexy, bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

A while ago, I thought I was going insane...

...until the the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was just fine.

I feel much better now.

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting

“FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...”

He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what’s going on.

Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting...

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women insane?

A hundred dollar bill.

People say I'm insane

But four out of five voices in my head disagree

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

I know 3 people who are clinically insane:

Me.

Why parents go INSANE!!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small v...

I was walking past the outside of an insane asylum the other day

and as I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I s...

The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Why did the Spanish train driver crash into an insane asylum?

Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

As he passes the yard (which was surrounded by a high fence), he heard many voices from within chanting “seven, seven, seven” over and over again. He’s very curious as to why the patients could be chanting this number so he looks through a gap in the fence planks to have a look. Before he can see an...

What’s the difference between a church and an insane asylum?

A church is where you go to talk to god.

An asylum is where you go if he replies.

Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.

#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#

At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next buildin...

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

My doctor just told me I was insane

But if I'm in-sane, it means that I'm "in" the "sane" spectrum. So I'm ok right?

What do you call it when you make a redhead go insane.

A ginger snap

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Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

27 times I've asked my son what "insane" means.

He still doesn't know.

Why are trains always put in insane asylums?

Because they have loco-motives

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

Why did Superman slowly go insane?

Because he was fighting for Truth, Justice AND the American Way

Some say that Mexicans are bordering on the insane...

But so what? So are Canadians.

A man is walking by an insane asylum...

... As he walks by their tall fence he can hear them shouting “13, 13, 13.” The man is curious and sees a small hole in the fence. He sticks his eye right next to the hole to see what they are shouting about and all of the sudden somebody stabs a stick through the hole and into his eye. Next thing t...

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What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"

The other guy re...

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

Yesterday my friend jumped into a river in Paris.

Insane.

Today he won’t accept he’s in a river in Egypt.

He’s clearly in denial.

A man walks by an insane asylum...

An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"

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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

What did my father say as we took him to the insane asylum?

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt an...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane.

Gonna call it "Fundamental"

A salesman gets a flat tire in front of the insane asylum.

As he changes the tire a guy on the other side of the fence sits watching him.
In the process of changing the tire the salesman kicks the nuts holding the wheel and loses the nuts in a the stream next to the road.
Raging about and cursing his luck he's interrupted by the guy on the other sid...

The man was dying to know the secrets behind these insane tricks.

A man was at a magic show. The magician was doing several amazing tricks that had the audience shocked.

After one particularly incredible trick, the man screamed out, “Please, you have to tell me how you do that!”

The magician waved his hand in the air and winked knowingly. “Oh, I woul...

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy sa...

What do you call a cow who is severely mentally ill?

Udderly Insane.

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running away from a insane killer.

After some time running the brunette spots a barn.

They all run into the barn to find there's only three big brown burlap sacks to hide in.

The redhead says "follow my lead" and jumps into one of the sacks.
The other girls jump into theirs too.

Soon after, the k...

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A guy is walking around an insane asylum with a huge brick wall on all four sides....

He here's chanting on the other side, "Twenty seven! Twenty seven! Twenty seven!"

Curious, he walks around the wall looking for a way to see in. Suddenly, he sees a perfect hole in the shape of a circle in the wall, about eight feet up. Wondering what the chanting is about, he searches until ...

Hey, what's a good sign that you're going insane?

I'm asking for an imaginary friend.

There were these two guy in an insane asylum.

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

... and one night, they decided they don't like living in an asylum anymore.

They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of town, str...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

What does the insane centrist do when you question his beliefs?

Killing people left and right.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

I headed out before dawn today and braved some insane crowds, to snag some Black Friday deals.

The only thing I think I scored was a case of COVID-19.

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person ...

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Jill works at an insane asylum....

One day shes walking by Charlie's room and sees him steering an imaginary steering wheel. "What are you doing Charlie?" She asks.
"I'm driving to Chicago!" He replies.
"Oh ok then."

Next day she walks by again, and hes still "driving." She asks, "what are you doing Charlie?" He replies,...

A guy got brought up to Insane Asylum and Docor asked him for his name...

Doctor: Your name, please?

Patient: I am John F Kennedy

Doctor: That's very nice, we got lots of politicians here, Ambraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, George Washington...

Patient: No, Doc. I'm the airport.

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Why did the insane asylum stop accepting homosexual patients?

They only had straight jackets.

A newly hired doctor is visiting the insane asylum he'll be working in for the first time

During the tour he sees a man alone in a room, standing completely naked except for the top hat on his head. His curiosity is piqued and he asks to have a brief interview with the patient.


"Excuse me sir," the doctor asked, "if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you wearing clothes?"...

Teenagers at the climate strikes didn’t skip school because they’re insane or delusional

They’re just having a mid-life crisis

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Did you hear about the prostitute who worked in an insane asylum?

She was fucking nuts.

A German boy band that plays some insane classical stuff.

Bachstreet Boys

A man who collects model trains was driving his wife insane with all the money he was spending on his hobby

One day, he went too far and spent nearly $1000 on a model train. His wife was so furious she took the train and broke it over his head.
So he took her to court for domestic caboose.

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose.

nothing makes scents anymore.

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