A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

most intellectual joke

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says , "I'll have some H2O".

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water,too. By the way, why did you say H2O? Like, know it's a chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to ...

You are an intellectual if you get this

A random guy : I'm terrified of random letters

Me : you are?

Random guy: *screams*

Me : Oh.. I see

Random guy: *screams even more*

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

\*\*\*

Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

The 5 rules for Soviet intellectuals

Don't think.

If you think, don't speak.

If you think and speak, don't write.

If you think, speak and write, don't sign.

If you think, speak, write and sign, well, don't be surprised.

What’s the difference between Karen in a marathon and an intellectual dwarf?

One is a cunning runt.

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

When I said I wanted to be intellectually challenged...

I didn't mean I wanted you to smash me over the head with a baseball bat.

At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on the porch...

One turns to the other and says,
"I say old man, have you read Marx?"
The other man replies, "Yes, it's these stupid wicker chairs."

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

Only intellectuals will understand

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

Intellectual Joke

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

Intellectuals know that the Earth revolves around the Sun...

Canadians know that the universe revolves around Toronto

Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass

or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno.

Let's get this thread ballin'.

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

McCormick spices are at a huge risk

The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,

It would be a season-ending injury

What do you call a Greek intellectual that only eats kimchee?

An Epikorean.

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

Why do cops patrol in pairs?

Why do cops patrol in pairs?

One can read, and the other can write.

\~\~\~\~

Why are they sometimes accompanied by a dog?

So it can keep the two intellectuals safe.

\~\~\~\~

Why don't cops eat pickles?

Because their heads don't fit into jars.

\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

One day in 1960's China...

Mao told his chief of police to send 10,000 intellectuals and a clown to rural exile. The police chief asked "Why the clown?" Mao laughed and said "That's the spirit!"

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the pe...

11 jokes from the world's oldest joke book

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man...

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!

"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world.



He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of strange looks ...

White house

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.