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Intellectual Jokes

most intellectual joke

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says , "I'll have some H2O".

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water,too. By the way, why did you say H2O? Like, know it's a chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to ...

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

Intellectual Joke

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

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(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

You are an intellectual if you get this

A random guy : I'm terrified of random letters

Me : you are?

Random guy: *screams*

Me : Oh.. I see

Random guy: *screams even more*

Only intellectuals will understand

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

The 5 rules for Soviet intellectuals

Don't think.

If you think, don't speak.

If you think and speak, don't write.

If you think, speak and write, don't sign.

If you think, speak, write and sign, well, don't be surprised.

What’s the difference between Karen in a marathon and an intellectual dwarf?

One is a cunning runt.

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

When I said I wanted to be intellectually challenged...

I didn't mean I wanted you to smash me over the head with a baseball bat.

nudist camp for intellectuals

2 people at a nudist camp for intellectuals, one says to the other "have you read Marx?"

The 2nd say "yes, because of these wicker chairs"

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

Why do Russian policemen go around in threes?

One who can read.

One who can write.

And one to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Intellectuals know that the Earth revolves around the Sun...

Canadians know that the universe revolves around Toronto

What do you call a Greek intellectual that only eats kimchee?

An Epikorean.

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

A self-absorbed jazz musician is sitting at a bar after a playing intense music all night.

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a wo...

Why did the Stazi need 3 officers per arrest?

1 to write down the testimony,
1 to hear the testimony,
And 1 to watch over the dangerous intellectuals

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

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Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

Why do politsiya travel in threes?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Suddenly, three policemen burst in from behind.

Policeman A: "What did you say? Produce ID!"

(passes the documents to policeman B)

"Read their names!"

(turns to policeman C)

"Write...

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

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A little old lady schedules a consultation with a high-class lawyer.

She says to the lawyer, “That bitch Linda from down the street stole my pastry recipe! Now she’s selling MY recipe at the church bake sale and telling everyone it’s hers! I want to file suit for theft of my intellectual property!”

The lawyer patiently hears her story, and replies, “Ma’am, I’m...

McCormick spices are at a huge risk

The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,

It would be a season-ending injury

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

11 jokes from the world's oldest joke book

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man...

A foreign dignitary is being shown around a police station in Belarus, and he decides to as a question...

*Why do your police officers always patrol in teams of three?*, he asks.

*Simple,* his host says.

*There's always one that can read, and one that can write.*

*But what's the third one for?*, the dignitary asks.

*He's there to keep an eye on the tw...

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

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Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

One day in 1960's China...

Mao told his chief of police to send 10,000 intellectuals and a clown to rural exile. The police chief asked "Why the clown?" Mao laughed and said "That's the spirit!"

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the pe...

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A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!

"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we ...

White house

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

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I need help remembering a joke please.

The "intellectual" joke thread got me thinking about a joke I heard years ago which made me laugh. It requires knowing two languages (Spanish and French I think), but if you get it it's pretty funny. It's something to do with asking a question and the reply meaning two different things in the differ...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

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A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

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An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage...

A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world.



He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of strange looks ...

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

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