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Mental Hospital Jokes

in a mental hospital

first patient: "I am Napoleon."
the doctor: "How do you know that?"
first patient: "God told me."
second patient: "That's not true, I didn't tell him anything like that."

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

A reporter went to a mental hospital to talk with the doctor.

Reporter: Doctor, how do you decide who to admit and who not to?

Doctor: We give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell them to empty a bathtub filled with water.

Reporter: That's smart as a sane person will use the bucket to empty it.

Doctor: A sane person will remove...

Three crazys try to escape a mental hospital

Three crazys try to escape a mental hospital when they suddenly notice a guard

Fearing that he might hear his footsteps, the first crazy says meow

The guard thinks it's a cat and doesn't bat an eye

The second guy does the same and the guard again doesn't bat an eye

When ...

Mental Hospital.

In a mental hospital, a mad man chases the senior doctor with a knife. The doctor runs for his life until he gets to a dead end. The mad man stops and says, "Take the knife, it's your turn to chase me."

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

Two patients are trying to escape a mental hospital

They devise a plan to get up to the rooftop and jump from one building to another. When they get there, the first patient jumps across to the next building with ease, but his friend was scared that he wouldn't make it if he jumped. The first patient thinks for a while then comes up with an plan.
...

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

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In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients

he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving"
patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book"
then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too"
patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem"

But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table
the doctor excla...

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Having sex in a mental hospital

Now that's fucking insane.

A man visits a mental hospital.

He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting "Julie !! Julie !!"

He asks the assistant about the reason for the patient's  behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Julie but couldn't marry her. So he became mad.

The man visits the next ward. There a...

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

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Mental hospital

A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.

- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.

- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.

The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to ...

Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital.

The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "that's ok, I don't believe in myself either."

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Life in a mental hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse ent...

A patient in a mental hospital

finds a pen, and promptly shows it to another patient, and asks, "Is it yours?"
The 2nd patient takes the pen, grabs a piece of paper, writes something and says. "Yep."
"How can you tell?"
"My handwriting."

Mental hospital

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.

Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
<...

A doctor at a mental hospital...

... was preparing to review some patients who were thought to be ready for release. After he got ready he called for the first patient to enter the room.

The man walked in, excited to possibly go home, and asked the doctor what he had to do.

"Touch your knees," the doctor replied.
<...

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

In the mental hospital:

Patient: *singing, lying on his chest. Doctor: *passes by. Patient: stops and sits up. Doctor: why did you stop? Patient: it’s time for side B. *lies on his back and continues singing.

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

Was walking by a mental hospital when.....

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked...

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Answering Machine At A Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and wh...

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
...

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

Mental hospital

A man was walking beside tha wall of a mental hospital then he heard all the patients shouting 25,25,25 continuously. He thought what is happening inside why they are shouting 25,25,25 then he saw a hole in the wall and he peeped through it and at that moment someone from other side of the wall pok...

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

a misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

At the mental hospital

Doc: what are you doing? Patient: writing a letter I’ll send to myself tomorrow. Doc: so, what does it say? Patient: are you crazy? How would I know? I haven’t received it yet.

What are friends at a mental hospital called?

Suicide squad.

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A Tour of a Mental Hospital.

A psychiatrist is taking a new intern on a tour of a mental hospital to meet some of the patients. In the first room, a man is swinging an imaginary golf club over and over. The intern asks, "what are you doing?"
"I'm going to get better one day, and when I do, I plan to join the pro golf tour."<...

If mental hospitals had walkways...

They'd be called psychopaths.

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At a mental hospital

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You fucking nutbar, you're n...

Two men live in a mental hospital

One day, they are fed up with the place and decide to escape.

So, that night, they both snuck up on to the roof, and see the lights of the city in the distance.

The first guy jumps from the roof to a large tree branch that is just a short distance away, and became free in that moment.<...

Mental hospital

The doctor is having a test on his patients to see if they are already fit to go back on their normal lives.

So the doctor drew an imaginary door using crayons on a big wall to see if the patients can distinguish a real door or not.

Then the doctor said "Who wants to go outside?" point...

While walking past a mental hospital

I could hear chanting from the other side of the fence. “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen...”
I noticed a small hole in the fence and looked through to see what the chanting was about. Suddenly I got a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!
Then the chanting changed, “fourteen, fourteen, f...

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

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Two men are in a mental hospital

They are in the same room together, bored shitless they pace up and down the room looking for something to do.

Man 1 says "Oh I know! Why don't we play shop keepers! I'll be the shop keeper and you be the customer."

Man 2 says "that's a great idea."
And so man 1 sits down a desk and...

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"

His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's p...

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

A guy goes to a mental hospital for a psychiatric exam. The doctor shows the guy an inkblot image.

Doctor: "Look at this card and tell me what you think it is."

The guy studies it for a minute and says, "Well, not sure, but to me it looks like Rorschach Series 6, card number 9."

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

What person shows you around a mental hospital?

Tour-ettes :)

A police officer arrested a man who was in a mental hospital.

The officer busted a nut.

What Christmas song is banned from playing at mental hospitals?

🎤Do you hear what I hear? 🎤

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

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In the garden at the mental hospital, six patients are sat outside when the cat walks past.

The zoophile says: Let's fuck the cat.

The sadist says: Let's fuck the cat and then torture it.

The psychopath says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill it.

The necrophile says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again.

The pyromaniac says: ...

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First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually fi...

Not my joke, but I've only heard it in brazilian portuguese (I'm brazilian)

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

A man goes to a mental hospital to visit his elderly mother...

when upon entering, he sees a man making beeping noises and waving his arms around. "what are you doing?", he asks.

"I'm driving a car. Can't you see?"

"Actually, you're in a mental hospital and your car doesn't exi-"

Then suddenly someone shouted out "Don't tell him! I get $20 ...

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im...

a guy in a mental hospital

...had a toothbrush on a leash. For many months he called him Johnny. At every session his doctor would ask him what he has with him and every time he would say "my pet, Johnny".

Many session went by and everytime the same. However on a monday morning the unexpected happend. He told his docto...

A doctor working at a mental hospital is roaming the halls late one evening

He enters the room of two patients. Patient #1 is standing at a table, pretending to saw a long plank in half. Patient #2 is hanging by his feet from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" The doctor asks the 1st patient.

"Sawing this piece of wood of course." The patient replies condesce...

What's the best way to get to the mental hospital?

Take the psychopath!!

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

A man walks into a mental hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap.

The clerk says to him, "You definitely belong here, I can clearly see your nuts!"

Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital?

The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

A man taking on a late night walk when he hears a strange sound coming from an old mental hospital down the road.

As he approaches he realizes he's hearing chanting. He approaches the building and hears "sixty-seven! Sixty-seven! Sixty-seven!" He gets closer to investigate but the fence is too high to see over, though he does spot a small hole in the wood. He leans over to peep in and as soon as he does a finge...

Listen

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the...

2 Stupid Friends talking.

Ram to Shyam:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Monkeys like you should be in a zoo,
Don't be sad I will be there too,
But not in a cage
Just laughing at you.

Shyam back to Ram:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are,
Once you know ...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

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A doctor in a mental hospital was caught having sex with a female patient.

He was Fucking Crazy!

On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole wh...

A famous Hindi joke! Let's see if the translation works!

Once, Mahatma Gandhi was on a visit to the Mental Hospital. He bumped in a patient who had recovered by then

Gandhiji asked him, "So, how are you now?"

"I feel better. Tell me what's your name?"

"Mohandas Gandhi."

"I, too, was saying this before getting admitted to the ho...

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

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Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

Double checking

Peter escaped the Mental Hospital and then calls....



P: Hello is there anybody on Room 168?

Nurse: Upon checking, there's no one in there, why do you ask?

P: Just making sure I've escaped :D

Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?

A mental hospital

Police were called to the scene of a murder

A man escaped a mental hospital and stole some porcelain figurines. Later that night he snuck into a farmers field and used them to beat a cow to death with them.

It was the first documented case of a nic-nac patty wack

A joke I heard a while back.

A doctor at a mental hospital promises the patients in his care that if they behave well for the next two weeks, he'd take them to a baseball game.When the day of the game arrived, the doctor and patients, along with the doctor's assistant, headed to the game. At the national anthem, the doctor said...

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

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what're you in for

A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms li...

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Going to Cleveland

Night nurse at a mental hospital is doing rounds and sees one patient sitting up going
"vrrrrrooommm"
and she asks " Tom what are you doing?"
He replies "driving to Cleveland!"
She tells him to have a nice trip and continues on.
Later she is doing rounds again and Tom is looking ov...

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

"Fourteen!"

a man walks by a mental hospital and over the wall he can hear the patients saying,"Fourteen" over and over again. The wall is too high to see over and as he walks along it he sees a small hole. Bending down to look through and see why they are chanting "Fourteen", he can see some movement.
<...

Thirteen! Thirteen!

This is how I learned to mind my own business...


I was walking to the mental hospital to visit my mother. Next thing you know I'm hearing a bunch of people on the other side of the fence yelling "thirteen, thirteen"! I finally notice a small hole in the fence and I go to look through to f...

Mind your own business...

Once I was walking down the road adjacent to a mental hospital. The hospital's compound had a tall fence separating it from the road. I could hear shouting coming from the other side, the patients were shouting, "13! 13! 13!" On and on and on.
I was intrigued. And then I saw a tiny hole in the f...

I am digging old jokes from my hdd: 1. Hospital

>hey guys, seeing this subreddit full of repost jokes make me want to dig old jokes i saved in my laptop. these are mostly in my native language, so forgive me with bad translation.

Hospital

A father asked the doctor in a mental hospital, "Doctor, how do doctors know someone is not ...

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Cogito.....

Three patients at a mental hospital met with a therapist for group. The first patient told her "Doc. I'm a bird." So she asked him to fly. He stood on the chair and flapped his arms, but nothing happened. "Need any help?", she asked. The patient said "No. I'm just not feeling it today". So the next...

THIRTEEN!

A guy is walking past the grounds of the state mental hospital. The hospital is surrounded by a tall wooden fence, more for privacy than for security. As he walks past he hears a chorus of excited inmates chanting: "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!".



Curious about what is going on insi...

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

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The Psychology Student

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be...

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