Mental Asylum Jokes - 48 Hilarious Mental Asylum Jokes

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
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A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

A new patient has been interned in a mental asylum.

One of the doctors ask him:

- What is your name?

- John F Kennedy, sir.

- Great, another president...

- No sir! I'm not the president, I'm the airport!

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum

To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".

When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.

The official approaches the woman and asks: "why are...

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First day at a mental asylum.

There was a guy who just got a job at a mental asylum. On his first day, he wanted to familiarise himself with all the patients at the facility. While doing so, he met this dude who looked perfectly normal, muttering some things to a wall. As he came closer, he started to make out what he was saying...

Mental asylum

Dude walks by the mental asylum and hears a person screaming "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!"

He thinks nothing of it and walks on. Later that same day when he's returning he hears the same voice screaming again "thirteen, thirteen!!!"

Then he sees a small hole in the wall and decid...

In a mental asylum

Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!"

A visitor enters a mental asylum...

And sees three patients sitting at a table laughing uncontrollably as they chat amongst one another.

Patient 1: Sixteen!

\*They all laugh laugh historically\*

Patient 2: Five!

\*They all bursts out laughing\*

Visitor: Excuse me doctor,...

Job Interview: Mental Asylum

A newly graduated Psychiatrist goes to an interview at a Mental Asylum....

"So you're interested in coming to work for us here? Tell me what is your experience with mentally deranged people?"

"I've been on Reddit for nearly 6 months now"

"You're hired!"

Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.

One night, they decided they didn’t like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there’s a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn’t going to do that, because he’s afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: “hey, I’ve got this flashlight with...

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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams

Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

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There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min ...

Mental asylum got a new fence...

..to stop the patients from escaping. It was a nice red fence around the asylum so all the patients could walk outside. Next morning when the staff came to work the fence was gone and all the patients had escaped. After a lot of trouble they caught all the patients and asked what they did with the...

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

So those two guys want to escape a mental asylum...

They came up with a brilliant plan of running away by jumping on rooftops. When they managed to get to the roof the first man jumped a giant gap and made it to the other building, he then called out his friend to jump.

“Hell no I’m not gonna jump that, I’ll fall and die, better be trapped in ...

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

A man is walking by a mental asylum...

...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the ho...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

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A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.

As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.

"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient....

An army training site and a mental asylum shared a fence..

One morning a doctor was walking in the yard of the asylum and noticed a patient who was playing with two buckets. One was filled with water and the other had holes in its bottom, so when he lowered her into the first one it made bubbling sounds. The doctor got curious and asked the patient "What is...

A man is driving a car next to a mental asylum when his tire ruptures.

He stops and gets out of the car to change it.

But through the fence, a patient with gray hair, long unkempt beard, dressed in a nightgown, and with a creepy doll in his arms watches him silently.

The man tries to ignore him, but the stare makes him extremely anxious. His hands start...

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.

You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum

One guy says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"

The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, “open this door and you are free to leave through it.” The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watch...

In a mental asylum Jack tries to kill himself by jumping into the pool.

Sally jumps in and rescues him.
The head of the asylum immediaty calls Sally to release her (someone who does somthing like that must be sane).
“Sally, I have good news and bad news :
The good news is that you are going home.
The bad news is that Jack hanged himself..”
Sally immediatl...

What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge?

One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...

So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.

So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor ...

A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.

"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."

To which the patient replied

"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"

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In a mental asylum for the criminally insane there is a masochist, a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac and a pyromaniac...

The zoophile says "Lets get a cat and fuck it!"

The sadist sadist says "Yeah, lets get a cat fuck it and torture it!"

The murderer says "Lets get a cat fuck it and torture it and kill it!"

The necrophiliac says "Lets get a cat fuck it and torture it and kill it and then fuck it...

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Why are there no gays in a mental asylum?

Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.

What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum?

A control freak.

On the way to his office..

a man walks past a mental asylum surrounded by wooden walls. As he walks past, he can hear the patients chant: "16! 16! 16! 16!"

He was so curious about the chant that he tried to look for a hole on the wall to peer into. He finally found one and he peered his eye into it only to be poked by ...

Curiosity

I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out ...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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The crazy lamp

A doctor visits 3 of his patients in a mental asylum.

He sees patient 1 reading a book and says, "Wow, you're improving."

Patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book."

He then sees patient 2 writing and says, "Wow, you're improving too."

Patient 2 says, "I'm just writing ...

"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."

"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"

"I would, but I need the eggs."

Asylum

It's three crazy people in a mental asylum who have to take their exams to see if they've made any progress. A doctor walks in front of them and asks the first crazy guy, "Three times four?"

He answers, "Wednesday." He moves on to the second and asks, "Three times four?" He says, "1592." The...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

Two men escape an asylum

Two men are in a mental asylum. One day they decide to escape and find there way on the roof. On the roof, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops that stretch away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the lea...

Vacancy announcements these days

Required qualifications:

- Work experience of 50 years or more;
- Incumbent must defeat a dragon;
- Willingness to work on weekends and holidays;
- Helicopter piloting licence;
- Ability to programme in any language imaginable;
- Knowledge of Swahili at least at uppеr intеrmеdi...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

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Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

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The team lines up on the platform...

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6 --
5 --
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