The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

A Suicidal person and a Homicidal person are roomed together in a psyche ward

The homicidal person says "we share a common interest"

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

Old joke

Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.

1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."

2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

What's the psych wards favorite christmas song?

Do you hear what I hear...

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man s...

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

Professor gives a final to all 800 of his students in Psych 101

As time draws near, all the students are clearly stressed out, desperately trying to answer all the questions except one.

The professor counts down the last 10 seconds on his watch and calls out to the hall, "Time is up, pencils down, pass your exams up to the front." All the students put do...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

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A bestiality enthusiast, an arson, a sadist, a necrophile, and a masochist are right outside a psych ward when a cat passes by.

The beastialty enthusiast says "let's fuck the cat," the arsonist says, "let's fuck the cat, then burn it," the sadist says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, then kill it," then the necrophile says, "let's fuck the cat, burn the cat, kill the cat, then fuck it again," and finally the masochist say...

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

Us psych majors get a bad rep

People think we think we know what they’re thinking

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Psych visit

A guys shows up at a psychiatrist's office nude, wrapped in celophane. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.

I wanted to take a grad level Psych class on Freud, in my sophomore year.

But the professor wouldn't let me. She said I was too Jung

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There was once a psych researcher with a rare genetic defect that gave her four buttocks.

She was fired for being bi-assed.

Why did the psych ward escapee never get married?

He had a fear of commitment

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and sa...

Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says “One... Two... Three” jumps in the water and swims across.

The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. “Un... Deux... Trois...” Cat sank.

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

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Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The p...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

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So this guy gets transferred to Norway through his job.

He’s pretty excited about it. He’s working his dream job, he’s young, he doesn’t have a wife or kids, he’s looking forward to the adventure. The town he gets transferred to is beautiful. It looks like a Christmas card! The people are so nice and welcoming. He loves this town. He’s there for almost a...

What's the difference between crazy and genius?

A psych degree.

What is the deadliest kind of teen?

A hungry one.










PSYCHE!

A guillotine.

Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants 
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up 
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesu...

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."

Me: "Wow, my first A+"

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conv...

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A guy asks a cute brunette with glasses at the library if he could sit with her

The sweet looking student responded loudly, "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

All the other students at the library stare at the guy. Some of the other women even make nasty faces at the guy. His face turned red in embarrassment.

After about an hour, the girl walks up to the guy...

A test of sanity

The director of a psych ward suspects some patients of being completely sane. He calls for 3 suspicious patients to have them perform a simple test.

“Look, this is a steel door. If you manage to get through the key hole, you get a special prize.”

The first patient charges the d...

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Duke!

A young man goes to pick up his date. When he gets to the door she's not ready and her father invites him in. He takes a seat on a big chair in the living room and begins to talk to her father. Within a few minutes, he realizes that he has to let go a really big fart. The pressure continues to build...

A girl tells her parents she's going to major in psychology

"Hey mom! Hey dad! I'm gonna study a real science! PSYCH!"

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