Hive Jokes - 60 Hilarious Hive Jokes

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do bee cops use to reign in prostitution in the hive?

HORNETS

Moving the Hive

I'm a devoted beekeeper, so when my wife and I decided to move to a new house I carefully packed up my favorite hive and placed it in the car. My wife asked "are you really going to put a swarm of bees into our car with us ?" I thought she understood that I couldn't leave my best queen and hive b...

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm.

What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?

Hurry up honey.

How do bees get into their hive?

They get buzzed in!

Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?

They're calling themselves the Burg.

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives

I know you’re wondering… why do bees live huddled together in hives?

‘Swarm

Among the thousands of bees in a hive, how do you spot the Queen?

She's obeese.

Two detective bees are chatting around the hive water cooler...

Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning?

Detective Bee 2: Eh, victim’s pretty rattled. Can’t even tell me if it was two bees or not two bees.

A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...

The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was...

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What did the horny English speaking ghost say to the hive?

Boo bees!

Insect Fact #473: When a bee hive gets ready to release new queens to fly off and start new hives, the worker bees do a little waggle dance before sending them on their way.

Sort of an Apis Milfera-well.

What do bees do when their friend moves into a new hive?

They throw them a house swarming party!

What did the hive of bumblebees decide to be for Halloween?

Boo-bees

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

What do you call it when touching iron or copper makes you break out in hives?

A metallurgy

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

How does the queen bee get around the hive?

She's throne.

What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive?

Honey, I'm home!

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

did you know that bees are allergic to pollen?

Because when they get exposed to them they develop hives

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A male honeybee's only job is to stay in the hive and impregnate the queen...

American response: "Those lucky bastards!"

British response: "Those poor bastards..."

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

So now I've developed an allergy to honey :(

It brings me out in hives.

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

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So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long)

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would g...

Allergic

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened, and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction.

"Where was she bit?" one of the players asked. "Betwee...

What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary?

Oh bee HIVE!

An English kid and Russian kid were examining a beehive together.

English kid: See that one? We call that the Queen because it is the leader of the hive, just like the Queen is the leader of our country.

Russian kid: We call it the czar.

English kid: Well that’s a little bee czar.

The News About the Giant Hornets is Actually Good for Reddit

They can murder the hive mentality

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

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A mailman is working his last day after 20 years of faithful service to a neighborhood.

When he delivers the mail to the first house, the man comes out, hives him some fine cigars and says "So long, I'm really going to miss you."
When he goes to the next house, the woman there comes out and gives him a bottle of fine wine. She too is very sorry to see him go, and tells him she'll mi...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

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The Bee joke.

Two bee keepers were talking.

"How many bees do you have?" said the first bee keeper.

"I have ten thousand bees"

"How many hives do you have?" said the first bee keeper.

"I have ten hives" came the reply."How many bees do you have? responded the second keeper to the first...

Question - Not a joke

This is not a joke but I hope my submission will be accepted anyway since it relates to jokes.

I'm curious about the preferred way of presenting a play on words. Does reddit prefer to spell based on the implied meaning or the original and let the reader figure it out?

Example: Noah kee...

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The bu...

An apiarist consults his family doctor about a troubling rash.

Doctor: You have hives.
Apiarist: Yes many, and they are my pride and joy.
Doctor: Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free...

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

A Story of Two Bees

So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes,...

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

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A three legged man walked into a bar after a long day

He sat down at the bar and after a few drinks he still had hardly spoken to anyone. The barkeeper was getting curious about this man's story, so he came over and said, "I've seen a lot of shit here in Florida, but I have to admit that I've never seen anyone like you. What's your story?"

The m...

Where do American bees store their honey?

In a USBee hive.

~Thank my ten year old for that one.

Victory against Heresy

Lord Commander Guilliman was addressing his Ultramarines, and declared that the victory against chaos is already on the horizon.

One ultramarine who comes from a hive world has never seen a horizon, so he asked his captain what that means. His captain replied, "Horizon is the line that you c...

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The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

The Bee

One day a bee gets bored of his daily jobs, so he decided to leave his hive an explore the world.

He begins his journey, and travels across all 50 states of America, meeting many wonderful people on the way. Everyone seems to like the bee. But there has to be more to life, the Bee thought, an...

Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!

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Little Johnny stomps on some honeybees....

One day little Johnny was playing outside. As he was feeling particularly reckless, Johnny kicked a beehive. The honeybees cam out of the hive and started swirling around Johnny. This pissed Johnny off so he stomped on the bees. His father witnessed this and told him: “Don’t do that! No honey for a ...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

Corny jokes!

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

A: Because it's two-tired.

Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

A: It becomes daytrogen.

Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?

A: In the Ark Hives!

Q: Can February March?

A: No, but Apri...

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

The Bee

There once lived a bee named barry. Barry was a very smart bee, he went through all of school with straight A's. He majored in law, and eventually ran for president. He became the president of the bee hive.

Barry, unsatisfied with his accomplishments, goes on to go through human school, fir...

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