If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

A dog enjoys a cinema

A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

"He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts."

I didn't understand wh...

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

A couple is buying popcorn at the concession stand in the cinema...

Vendor: Do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?

Guy looks lovingly at his girlfriend and says: I want my popcorn like my girlfriend

Vendor: Dude, we don't sell ugly popcorn

I just heard Back to the Future was getting a re-release at the cinema.

It’s about time.

I went to the cinema to watch a film about lorries earlier and it was rubbish.

Too many trailers.

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

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I got a job offer as a cleaner at the cinema. Immediately, I thought of all the semen I'd be clearing up at the back of the theatre.

But hey, I'm sure there are downsides to the job, too.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

I went to the Cinema yesterday...

...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.

As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."

The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

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I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

19 early teens went to a cinema to watch a dirty movie...

... they said "let us in, we're over 18".

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

Irish SAS

The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
So far…. news reports say …… he’s been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

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Did you hear about the dyslexic at the cinema?

He ordered a large cockporn

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;

"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"

After a month, his friends get the first letter;

"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and proper...

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On our third date she said she liked to have sex with the lights off.

She should have also mentioned "not in a cinema".

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!

So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

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True Story. I was at the cinema last night..

and my girlfriend whispered to me
"I think the guy sitting next to me is masturbating!!"

I said
"ignore him, he'll soon stop"

She said
"I can't! He's using my hand!!"

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

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Baby is furiously crying in a cinema

So I turn around and ask the parents: “For fuck sake are you stabbing it to death?”

Mother says: “Oh God ! Of course not.”

I respond: “But could you please?!”

Two sclerotic grannies are coming back from the cinema.

They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
- "Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?"
The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
- "Umm... It's that thing that sticks fr...

A cannibal gets a job at a cinema.

After finishing training, the manager decides that the cannibal is ready to start selling concessions, and tells him that if he has any questions, dont be afraid to ask him. All seems to be going well, but then a man and a woman walk in and ask for some popcorn and soda. The cannibal is confused b...

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

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An Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys

So an Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys; he's taking them to the zoo. About half way there his van breaks down, so he pulls over. Anyway, he looks in his rear-view mirror and he sees Paddy comming up behind him with an empty van, so he pulls him over. The Englishman says "Paddy, if I give you 50...

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At the cinema it said I could get an extra large bag for £6.

I thought, "That's cheap, but where would I fuck her??"

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

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A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.

Just as the lights go down he unz...

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I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.

We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

A man is driving down the motor way in the fast lane with a trailer full of monkeys

he notices his friends jeep in the adjacent lane. He slows down and ushers his friend to pull down the window.

"John I'm in a massive rush, if I give you $50 could you bring these monkeys to the zoo?"

"No problem" replies John

About 4 hours later, the man drives the o...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

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What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn.

The other is cop porn.

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

A women went to a hotel

A women went to a hotel for one night and was shocked when she got the bill of $250 the next day.

So she went to the manager and complained about how expensive it was for one night

"I am sorry mam but there was multiple services you could of used" said the manager

"But I didn't ...

I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing. Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

So I went to the cinema to book my tickets to the new Starwars

I walked up to the desk, and said "Hi, I'd like two tickets to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi, as close to the release as possible".

The worked replied "Ok, I can get you two tickets for the 16th of December, your showing will be at 16:45. It will be $60 though."
A little miffed at the pric...

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Mike and Yolonda get home after a date at the cinema.

Yolonda goes upstairs to get changed and walks into her parents bedroom.

She turns on the light and catches her mum jerking off her dad. In the heat of the moment, the dad blows his load and it flys across the room, showering Yolanda with jism.

Yolonda immediately runs downstairs screa...

17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........

but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick weirdo.

A guy was throwing popcorn at the back of my head in the cinema.

I turned around and said, "You and me...when this film finishes...let's sort this out."

He said, "OK then."

And then, when it was over, we cleared away all the popcorn like respectable men.

I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema

Staff: "for the hobbit?"

Me. : "no, she's my friend"

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Terrible news. The guy who created AMC cinema's has died.

His funeral is next Friday at 2:30, 5:20 and 7:45.

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

Fresh Popcorn

A man goes to the cinema with his wife. He takes her to the snack bar and wants to order popcorn. When asked what he wants, he just said, "I want popcorn like my girlfriend".
The cashier said, "Sorry, but we don't have ugly popcorn."

An Englishman was bringing monkeys to the zoo

On his way to the zoo his van breaks down. The monkeys really needed to get to the zoo so the Englishman calls his Irish friend Paddy.

Englishman: 'Paddy, I'll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me'

Paddy: 'Aye not a problem lad, I'll be right there'

So Paddy ...

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic

And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch Black Panther.

Apparently I have to "buy" a "ticket"

Penguin Joke

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road. He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove o...

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I ...

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A Raunchy One!

A horny American is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks he....

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing a...

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A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying...

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time.

Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?'

Son: 'I was in school.'

*Robot slaps son*

Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie i...

Where are the penguins?

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a transport truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for my auto club!” The man agrees and drives off w...

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A rare German Joke, behold!

Requirements: Knowledge that Freudenhaus (brothel) literally translates 'House of Joy' (TYL)

Small Fritzl and his dad are shopping in the city when they pass the Red light of a Freudenhaus. The Son asks 'Dad what are the selling there?' sheepishly the Father answers 'This is a Freudenhaus, a ...

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo

when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would 
take the pen...

I wouldn't say my wife was fat.......

.....but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!

A man was driving (longish)

one day when he noticed a truck broken down by the side of the road. He pulled over and asked could he help. The truck driver told him that he was on his way to Dublin to bring a penguin to the zoo but that his engine was fried.

The driver said to him: "Well, I'm going to Dublin, so if you wa...

Sardarjee finds a monkey on the street

and being a good citizen, promptly takes it to the police station to report it. The officer on Duty tells Sardarjee to take the monkey to the zoo...

The next day, officer spots Sardarjee with the same monkey on a bus stop.

Officer: Didn't you take the monkey to the zoo?

Sardar: ...

People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...

They go to the cinemas.

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An atheist goes to hell...

..at the gate he met satan who was busy talking on the Phone with someone. So the atheist walks around and explores the area. He finds a pool with hot chicks in it, a fountain with Scotch, a big cinema and some sort of other cool stuff he likes.
But there was a big wall with a little window in...

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