UPJOKE
theaterfilmmovietheatrecelluloidmovie theatermovie housemovie theatrebioscopecinematicfilmmakingfilmmakermultiplexpicture palacemovie screen

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

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I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

I prefer to watch movies in the cinema

Without movies it's just a boring room full of people I don't know.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

My wife went to the cinema with her friends

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his litt...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

What's the difference between Trotsky, cinema and radio?

From late 1920s USSR.
What's the difference between Trotsky, cinema and radio?
Cinema you see, but don't hear.
Radio you hear, but don't see.
And Trotsky you neither hear nor see.

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?

They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Cinema food

Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven't had a barbecue for ages...

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I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Be fucking quiet, I'm trying to film a movie here!

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

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I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.

We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

I watched such a sad movie in the cinema today

Even the seats were in tiers

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

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I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

I went to the Cinema yesterday...

...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.

As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."

The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

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Two friends at the cinema

friend 1 : "do you bet 100$ that I'll slap the man in front of me ?"

friend 2 : "yes"

friend 1 slaps the man from behind, the man turns

friend 1 : "hi Mike, long time no see"

man in front : "excuse me ? I'm not Mike"

friend 1 : "that's odd, from behind y...

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.

The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

A dog enjoys a cinema

A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

"He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts."

I didn't understand wh...

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A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.

Just as the lights go down he unz...

A couple is buying popcorn at the concession stand in the cinema...

Vendor: Do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?

Guy looks lovingly at his girlfriend and says: I want my popcorn like my girlfriend

Vendor: Dude, we don't sell ugly popcorn

I just heard Back to the Future was getting a re-release at the cinema.

It’s about time.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

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Did you hear about the dyslexic at the cinema?

He ordered a large cockporn

Two sclerotic grannies are coming back from the cinema.

They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
- "Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?"
The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
- "Umm... It's that thing that sticks fr...

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

A cannibal gets a job at a cinema.

After finishing training, the manager decides that the cannibal is ready to start selling concessions, and tells him that if he has any questions, dont be afraid to ask him. All seems to be going well, but then a man and a woman walk in and ask for some popcorn and soda. The cannibal is confused b...

How is a bankruptcy clearance sale similar to Aquaman going to an undersea cinema with his girlfriend?

They're both liquidating.

They threw me out of the cinema today...

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

19 early teens went to a cinema to watch a dirty movie...

... they said "let us in, we're over 18".

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the ...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema

Staff: "for the hobbit?"

Me. : "no, she's my friend"

My Grandfather knew that the Titanic was going to sink.

He kept telling everyone but they just ignored him. In the end, they threw him out of the cinema.

Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

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Mike and Yolonda get home after a date at the cinema.

Yolonda goes upstairs to get changed and walks into her parents bedroom.

She turns on the light and catches her mum jerking off her dad. In the heat of the moment, the dad blows his load and it flys across the room, showering Yolanda with jism.

Yolonda immediately runs downstairs screa...

Terrible news. The guy who created AMC cinema's has died.

His funeral is next Friday at 2:30, 5:20 and 7:45.

I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing. Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

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A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

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