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Ban Jokes

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

North Korea bans sarcasm

What a great idea.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

What did all the abortion doctors do after abortion was banned?

They went to plan b.

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

I was banned from r/anarchism

For breaking the subreddit rules...

Why was the bodybuilder banned from Walmart?

Shoplifting.

I just got banned from /r/fashion

Apparently they didn't like my threads

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

What happens if you violate the ban on wordplay?

Pun-ishment.

What's "Shaddow Banning"?

I've asked every sub-reddit I'm in and no-one is answering me.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OPEN LETTER TO QATAR: you’re seriously banning homosexuality at your World Cup?

Come on guys…

Mods can we please ban jokes about hymens?

They’re tearable.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

I just got banned from IKEA.

I asked the assistant: “how much for a one night stand”?

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?

Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists

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Request to ban Amber Heard jokes.

They're shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired

Now more of their users are getting off than ever.

I was banned from my local butcher store today.

I asked which steak has the best texture and flavor. When he said "strip loin" I thought it was a command.

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

Say what you will about r/incels being banned

But at least someone finally got them off.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

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Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

We wouldn't have to ban plastic straws if only...

... those turtles would lay off the coke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool?

They can't keep their trunks up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)

I have started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far, I've got 15,000 signatures.

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"

The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

The world banned Russian gas

but Russians say with all the fibre in their beings they can’t stop pootin.

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

People who say ketamine should be banned.

Should get down off their high horse..

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

How did Musk feel after banning everyone from Twitter?

All Elone :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

I was banned from the airport last week.

Security doesn't really like it when you call "shotgun" on the plane.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Alabama banned sex in the Doggystyle position?

They said that you should never turn your back on your family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders to ban Oral sex if he becomes president....

"It's the only way I can get reddit to stop sucking my dick" - he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

I am banned from my church livestream

Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.

Why is baseball banned in China?

We all know what happened the last time someone ate the bat.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.

That's the bare mini mum.

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

Banned

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

Why is Alexander Hamilton banned from all-you-can-eat buffets?

because he will never be satisfied, oh he will never be satisfied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For everyone's attention, having anal sex will get you a lifetime ban from Iceland

Tonight I try my luck in Tesco

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

NASCAR can't ban the confederate flag

They wave it every race with one lap to go!

So I got deported from China with a permanent travel ban for talking about my son

One day I decided to visit china. When I landed in the Chinese airport i found out that I received a text from my son Tyler saying that he won the town's annual drinking championship.

I decided to tell the wife about it and called her. It was very loud in the chinese airport and she couldn't...

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

If you get banned from a furry convention

You will be fursona non grata

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Why was the referee banned from the arena?

For their foul language.

The military was trying to ban transpeople from joining..

..which I find wasteful considering a portion of them are x-men.

I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned

For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok

What happened to the transphobic subs during the ban wave?

They got TERFed out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

Petition to ban all r/Fencing members from r/Jokes

Too many ripostes.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

Why was the cat banned from running the race?

Because he was a cheetah.

An Arthur episode was banned in Alabama

In the episode the kids learn that their favorite teacher is about to get married and follow him around they see him meet a woman who they assume is his wife. They don’t like her so they try to stop the wedding. In the end it turns out that the woman was his sister and that their teacher was marryin...

So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...

Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Why were the Kardashians banned from the beach?

Because there is already too much plastic in the ocean

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the law that bans anal sex?

It's a law that I can't get behind.

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