UPJOKE
lengthmagnitudelargesmallheightwidthdiameterlargenesspetitescalesmallnessnumberperimeterresizeoutsize

Sized Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wants to have a horse sized penis…

He asks his friends for tips on how he can make his unit grow like a horse.
One of his friends says; tie a weight to it and you will see that it will start to grow.

So off he goes. A week later his friend asks him; so how is it going?

He says; well, no growth yet but the color is...

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?

Supreme Liter.

Sized Right

**Teacher :** What kind of tree fits in your hand?
**student:** A palm tree!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are forced to sleep in the same king sized bed

Three guy friends go on vacation and when they arrive at their hotel, they find that only one room is available (which happens to ONLY have one king sized bed.) After much reluctance, they agree to all sleep in the same bed

The next morning during breakfast, the guy who slept on the left say...

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

I have just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks...

Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are eating breakfast.

The wife says, "I had a dream last night. I was at an auction, and they were auctioning penises. Nice-sized ones were going for $25, big ones were going for $50, and spectacular ones were going for $100."

The husband says, "Is that right? How much did one like mine go for?"

And the wi...

A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

A buff man with a orange-sized head..

A well built man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender quite shocked inquires “do you mind me asking about the size of your ahead?”. “Sure..” he acquiescently replies.

“Not long ago I was lost in some woods. I don’t know how I got there. As I was...

I hate peeing in the child sized urinals

I feel like they're below me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

Waves passed through an average-sized psychic.

He's a medium medium-medium.

Scientists have invented a super sized pickle

It's a pretty big dill

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

What do you call a life sized miss piggy doll?

Amy Schumer on a good day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an unfortunately sized penis...

And he doesn't have a lot of money. He goes to a doctor and says "Doc, please can you help me? My penis is so small, I don't know what to do!" The doctor says "Well yes, but the procedure is $10,000."
"Aw geez doc I could NEVER afford that!" he says defeated

The doctor replies "Well, if ...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What do you call a below average sized dog?

A sub woofer

Yeah, I know I'm barking up the wrong sub reddit.

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

Why do teenage girls hangout in odd-sized groups at Starbucks?

Because they can't even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.