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I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park.

The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis.

....

So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

Although he doesn't have to, he decides to go to court to clear his name of this slander.

At the courtroom, the prosocuter asks him, "Is is true that you sent Juventus your thoughts and pra...

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

I just saw a headline that read “The 10 Worst Netflix movies of 2020”

...There’s only 10?

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

The Olympic skier Picabo Street made headlines by donating enough money to build a new hospital.

To thank her they named a wing of the hospital after her. The Picabo ICU.

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

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Can you imagine the headlines if Bruce Willis dies from a viagra overdose.

Bruce Willis dies hard.

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Two Italian men are talking about which woman they would want to have sex with if given the chance

The first man names some big actress and the second man says "Virginia Pipillini".

The first man asks "Who's that? An actress or something?"

"I don't know".

"Singer?"

"I don't know".

"Model?"

"I don't know".

"Then why'd you say her if you barely know ...

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases?

They're making *headlines* everywhere!

Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Why didn't the cowboy believe the italicized headline about his recent demise?

Because it had shifty i's, that's why.

A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!"

News headline the next morning:

IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB

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Fake news

A football fan in Liverpool saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Liverpool Echo says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now.

Liverpool fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a Liverpool fan."...

The headline was "two babies found dead at recycling center..."

I'm going to hell because my first thought was "Good job. We used to just throw those away. Now we're recycling."

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Paninis made headline news again.

They're hot off the presses.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

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Truck driver

One a normal day of trip, truck driver realized that his brake system was busted, and he was going full speed. He knew, he had to stop the truck somehow.

So he decided to get off the road and crash into something

He looked right, there was little boy in an empty field, alone.

H...

Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows?

They’re making “headlines”

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

New York Times headline:World Ends Tomorrow!

Women and minorities hit hardest.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper

He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make t...

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

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What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

Heir of a world famous laundering business in the 19th century...

took control of his fathers business after the father's passing. Mr. Bartholomew Nutts was not like his father. He used to flirt with all the young ladies who used to wash all the dirty clothes. After a little while things escalated, and it appeared that more than a few of the workers were in child'...

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

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“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ”

First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it.


The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Confucious say

He who sleep on corduroy pillow make headlines

Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison?

News headlines say "Small medium at large".

Spiders are making newspaper headlines.

Well, the ones in my house are.

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Jew are all drinking together.

The Irishman says "Well, I bought the first bottle. Who'll be getting the next?" Without hesitation the Scotsman says, "It's no problem. I'll pay for it."

The next day the newspaper headline read "Ventriloquist Jew Beaten to Death!"

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Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?

Hey, sex cells.

One day Temel was driving his truck down the road when he realized that his brakes were not working.

Just when he was trying to think of what to do, he came to a fork in the road. On one side, there was an enormous festival, with thousands of people, and on the other side, there was one kid playing with a ball. After thinking long and hard, Temel decided that killing one kid was preferable to killi...

SNL should parody CNN by having Tina Fey be a news correspondent delivering headlines from a canoe.

They call the segment "Fey Canoes."

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

Neck Hands Foot Arms Body Head

This is how the newspaper headlines ran on the day John Neck stepped down to give the job of CEO of the gun manufacturer to Michael Foot.

A Married Woman is Unhappy

A woman named Mel was married to a man named Ralph. Ralph was very rich, but Mel was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to leave him, but still wanted his money.

She started to have an affair with a man named Arty.

Mel: "Arty, you'd do anything for me, right?"
Arty: "Sure, within re...

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

On CNN I just saw a headline that said "Reddit Revolts"

My first thought was, "Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day"

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A parrot is the headliner act for shows on a cruise ship...

One day the cruise hires a really good magician to become the new headliner act. The parrot is furious with jealousy, so he starts watching the magician behind the scenes and eventually begins shouting out the secrets behind his tricks at the shows (i.e. "It's up his sleeve!!" "He used a trap door")...

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

A 13 year old boy making headlines last week...

A 13 year old boy is making headlines by challenging a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents, so the judge initially handed custody over to the boy's aunt, keeping with all the laws and regulations that state that family unity ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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People who write clickbait headlines for a living:

Fuck you.

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

The Archbishop of Canterbury

The Archbishop of Canterbury was making his first official visit to the U.S.A. His advisers advised him that he would need to be careful in answering any questions. As he disembarked from the plane a group of media reporters descended on him, and one thrust a microphone at him and said 'Say Archbish...

You won't believe what every headline on the Internet is these days.

They're clickbait. That's what they are.

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

What would the headline read if an average redditor were killed by a venemous spider bite?

Brown Recluse Kills White Recluse

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

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The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

Headline: "American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978"

That is one long-lived horse.

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

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