New York Times headline:World Ends Tomorrow!

Women and minorities hit hardest.

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Headlines Today: White House Sex Scandal

Evidence deemed “fake nudes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.



The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publici...

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Spiders are making newspaper headlines.

Well, the ones in my house are.

SNL should parody CNN by having Tina Fey be a news correspondent delivering headlines from a canoe.

They call the segment "Fey Canoes."

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?

Hey, sex cells.

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Race

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.

However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.

To his surprise the donkey comes third. The he...

Jeremy Kyle Headline : Did my parents try to drown me as a baby

No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who write clickbait headlines for a living:

Fuck you.

On CNN I just saw a headline that said "Reddit Revolts"

My first thought was, "Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day"

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its mes...

You know what's been making headlines?

Corduroy pillows

You won't believe what every headline on the Internet is these days.

They're clickbait. That's what they are.

What would the headline read if an average redditor were killed by a venemous spider bite?

Brown Recluse Kills White Recluse

Headline: "American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978"

That is one long-lived horse.

Did you see the headline about the 5 foot tall psychic that escaped from prison?

It was:

"Small medium at large"

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

The One Ultimate Secret to Creating Clear Headlines that will make other joke-tellers hate you.

Corduroy Pillow Case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival?

There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.

Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

Botox is overrated.

It’ll never make headlines.

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

Old Turkish joke

One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection.

Temel looks around.

On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. A...

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

Where can you read about the best hooker?

The Headlines

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

The news

A man hates his neighbour , so he gets the town idiot - Arty - to kill him via strangulation for the cost of one (English) pound.Arty sneaks into the local supermarket but gets caught , and has to choke the guard who found him. He then chokes the neighbour and another guard as he makes his escape. T...

A man is unhappy with his wife

A man is unhappy with his wife
but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, "I don't have that kind of mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If bruce willis died of a viagra overdose,

would the news headlines read “bruce willis dies hard”?

A man named Phillip died of a rare brain bacteria

When he died, he donated his brain to science. The dissection was very time-sensitive, so the morgue hired an Uber to transport the head within the 20 minutes it would take before the bacteria disappeared.
The driver was then pulled over for speeding and, not having the proper driving clearance, ...

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.



One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at...

What do Adam Levine’s nipples and corduroy pillowcases have in common?

They’re making headlines!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins

It was all over the news, the headlines read "Isis huge in Antarctica".

An Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out, "A round for the house on me!" The next day the newspaper headline reads, "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

Three bank robbers

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next mornings newspaper headline r...

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

There was a Farmer and he really loved tractors.

He was a huge tractor fan.

One day he decided to take his John Deer tractor down to the local grocery store. A short way into his journey the tractor steering locked and brakes failed it was on a set course through the gates of the school and into a the path of a group of children playing ou...

President Trump and Pope Francis on a cruise

President Trump and Pope Francis happen to run into each other while on an international cruise. It was quite a windy day out of the sea when the Popes hat flew off the ship and into the sea. President Trump immediately climbs overboard to fetch the Popes hat. In astonishment, the Pope looks overboa...

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

A nun arrives at heaven's gates and is met by St Peter

St Peter says:
"Sister Mary, you have led a dutiful pious life, dedicated to God, and to helping the needy. As a special reward, we will return you to Earth to live once more. Who would you like to return as in your second life?"

"Sarah Pippilini!", says Sister Mary.

"Fine", says ...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy has a horrible wife.

She screams at him, hits him sometimes, and his life becomes miserable. The problem is that he’s a Roman Catholic, and he can’t divorce her. He’s sitting in a bar one night telling his friend his problem, and his friend says ”Why don’t you have her killed?”
The guy says “I don’t know anyone who d...

Ok a man was at the zoo

And was nearing the lion enclosure. When he gets there he watches the lions and sees a litlle girl fall into the enclosure. The heroic man jumps in,punches the lion in its nose, and saves the girl. The parents thank him and the crowd cheers him. The next morning he turns on the news. The news says <...

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