a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

A news anchor reads off the headlines...

“Police are investigating a wooden object with a pointy end spinning on the street. That’s our top story.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Headlines Today: White House Sex Scandal

Evidence deemed “fake nudes.”

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.



The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publici...

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

Spiders are making newspaper headlines.

Well, the ones in my house are.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

SNL should parody CNN by having Tina Fey be a news correspondent delivering headlines from a canoe.

They call the segment "Fey Canoes."

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?

Hey, sex cells.

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Race

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.

However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.

To his surprise the donkey comes third. The he...

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

On CNN I just saw a headline that said "Reddit Revolts"

My first thought was, "Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day"

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

Old Turkish joke

One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection.

Temel looks around.

On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. A...

You won't believe what every headline on the Internet is these days.

They're clickbait. That's what they are.

You know what's been making headlines?

Corduroy pillows

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?

They're really making headlines!

What would the headline read if an average redditor were killed by a venemous spider bite?

Brown Recluse Kills White Recluse

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

Did you see the headline about the 5 foot tall psychic that escaped from prison?

It was:

"Small medium at large"

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

The One Ultimate Secret to Creating Clear Headlines that will make other joke-tellers hate you.

Corduroy Pillow Case.

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its mes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of hilarious ambiguous headlines

All of these are from http://www.fun-with-words.com/ambiguous_headlines.html

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT N...

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.

&#x200B;

One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner alway...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If bruce willis died of a viagra overdose,

would the news headlines read “bruce willis dies hard”?

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

A man is unhappy with his wife

A man is unhappy with his wife
but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, "I don't have that kind of mo...

Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins

It was all over the news, the headlines read "Isis huge in Antarctica".

An Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out, "A round for the house on me!" The next day the newspaper headline reads, "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"

Three bank robbers

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next mornings newspaper headline r...

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

A nun arrives at heaven's gates and is met by St Peter

St Peter says:
"Sister Mary, you have led a dutiful pious life, dedicated to God, and to helping the needy. As a special reward, we will return you to Earth to live once more. Who would you like to return as in your second life?"

"Sarah Pippilini!", says Sister Mary.

"Fine", says ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Senior priest seen touching immature asshole by witnesses”

No, I said the headline should say Pope shook hands with Trump in front off the press!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75&#37; of cancer cells in mice".

Newspaper headlines next morning: "Scientists found a cure for cancer".

Scientist read that and calls the interviewer again next day and is like "no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer...

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

President Trump and Pope Francis on a cruise

President Trump and Pope Francis happen to run into each other while on an international cruise. It was quite a windy day out of the sea when the Popes hat flew off the ship and into the sea. President Trump immediately climbs overboard to fetch the Popes hat. In astonishment, the Pope looks overboa...

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

Ok a man was at the zoo

And was nearing the lion enclosure. When he gets there he watches the lions and sees a litlle girl fall into the enclosure. The heroic man jumps in,punches the lion in its nose, and saves the girl. The parents thank him and the crowd cheers him. The next morning he turns on the news. The news says <...

There was a Farmer and he really loved tractors.

He was a huge tractor fan.

One day he decided to take his John Deer tractor down to the local grocery store. A short way into his journey the tractor steering locked and brakes failed it was on a set course through the gates of the school and into a the path of a group of children playing ou...

A true american hero.

A young woman is attacked by what apppears to be a rabid stray dog. Before the dog can injure her further, a young man steps in and starts fighting with the dog - Unfortunately though he is forced to kill it. Shortly after, a police officer who has been watching the scene rushes over.


"So...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

An off duty law enforcement officer is walking down a street in the USA...

and notices that an escaped rabid dog (on the illegal breed list) is on a rampage attacking shop fronts, with people panicking all over the place. This dog is very clearly about to attack a defenceless infant in a stroller.

Thinking quickly, the man pulls out his firearm and puts the dog down...

A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
<...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives. Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guy...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy has a horrible wife.

She screams at him, hits him sometimes, and his life becomes miserable. The problem is that he’s a Roman Catholic, and he can’t divorce her. He’s sitting in a bar one night telling his friend his problem, and his friend says ”Why don’t you have her killed?”
The guy says “I don’t know anyone who d...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars

I can already see the headlines...
"Colonist discovers water on Mars!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wanted his wife murdered

So he approached an assassin named Arti. He told Arti "I do not have money, but once the bitch's dead, I'd collect the insurance payout and pay you." Arti replied "Fine, but surely you can pay me $5 as advance payment?" The husband agreed and duly paid the $5.

The next day, Arti tailed the ma...

a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.

The mother of the toddler said

"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"

BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY K...