UPJOKE
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A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

A robot broke a kids finger during a chess tournament.

Still processing it.

Why don't Robots have Brothers?

Because they all have Trans Sisters. :)

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What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts

Why are robots bad in bed?

They just screw, nut and bolt.

What sound does a robot frog make?

Rivet Rivet

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Japanese have finally invented a robot that catches thieves…

They decided to test it and put the robot in Belgium. In the first day it caught 10,000 thieves.

Then they put it in America. In the first day it caught 20,000 thieves.

Then they put it in Russia. In the first hour, someone stole the robot.

Why was the robot cancelled?

Because it didn't accept non-binary arguments

Why did the robot go to jail?

Cos he was charged with batterie

Did you hear about the robot who assaulted someone?

Turns out he was charged with battery

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Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The rob...

What do you call a sentient robot pirate?

Aaarrgh-tificial intelligence, me matey!

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

Why are so many robots progressive?

Many of them have transistors.

There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.

One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.

Oh, the iron knee!

Police responded to a reported burglary at Tesla’s robotics lab.

It was an Optimus crime.

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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

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An engineer wents to a business trip

He doesn't want to leave his beautiful wife alone, so he builts a sex robot.

"Darling," he says, "This is Bob. Whenever you feel horny, say "Bob, come here!" and he'll fuck you really hard".

He leaves. Few days pass, the wife looks at Bob with a growing interest. Finally she says "Bob...

I have invented microscopic robots that can form the face of Robin Williams.

I call them "nanu-nanubots."

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

"All the women that want to go on a date with me are such robots," I told my brother.

"You're wrong," he said, "all the women that want to go on a date with you are the opposite of robots."

"What? How?"

"One's artificial intelligence and the other is genuine stupidity."

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Why did the robot cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken.

(A joke from one of my mom’s kindergartners)

If an A.I robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,

Is it electronegative?

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn’t pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.

The thing worked fine, but it wasn’t terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left....

What do you call a German robot that came from the future?

Determinator.

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

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Why did the robot stop watching porn?

He lost his sex drive.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Has anyone heard of the Jamaican vigilante who dresses up in a black robot costume?

They call him the Botmon.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

Why don’t robots like Apples?

Because They’re androids!

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"

The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

where does steel wool come from?

Robot sheep

What did the robot say to the guy running the tattoo shop?

I'd like to get my nickels pierced.

What makes Al Gore so robotic?

His Al Gore rhythm

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

Who do robot Karens like to call?

The task manager

What language do Eeyore and Marvin the Robot use to communicate with each other?

Morose Code

What did one robot say to the other after they got arrested by the police?

"At least we got charged."

What do you call a robotic horse?

A woahh-bot

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

What did the robot have written on their gravestone?

Rust In Peace

I just got a wireless robot the other day.

You could say that our relationship comes with no strings attached.

Why are Democrat robots so bad at dancing?

They were built with bad Al-Gore-rhythms.

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

Who is smarter, a robot maid or a robot MD?

A robot maid, because she's got her AI.

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If I was a robot

I’d actually have a sex drive

(Credit to my stoned wife)

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

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A dad buys a robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it when his son comes back from school.

He asks "Son, where were you today?", so he says "at school". He gets a slap.

A little confused, he tells his dad that they were watching DVDs. The dad asks "What kind of DVD?"

The son says Toy Story. The robot slaps him...

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

What do you call it when robots organize an African themed party?

BotsWanna Party

What haircut do rastafarian robots have?

Droidlocks

Your honour, i'm not a robot

How could i possibly be charged with battery?

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

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Why did the robot need viagra?

His disk was floppy.

Two robots fall in love

Two robots fall in love they went on dates and they got a bit frisky so the male put on his nuts and bolt and they went at it he put it in and the girl robot said "no input detected"

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how a computer gonna ask me if i’m a robot

muthafucka YOU ARE the robot

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

Two robots are about to enter a store for spare parts.

One of them asks, "Wire we here?" The other replied, "I wheel-y need new tires."

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar. ...

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make?

Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

What did the dude tell the unforgiving robot

You got a chip on your shoulder

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

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I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

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What do you call a robot that’s been sexually molested?

R2ME2

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