If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

Why don't robots like apples?

They're androids.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who lie, when he gets home for dinner he decides to test it out.

He asks his son what he did this afternoon,

The son says "I went to friends house and did homework." The robot slapped him.

"Ok, I lied. We watched a movie." he sheepishly said.

"What movie?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." The son answered and was again slapped by the r...

What did the robot have written on their gravestone?

Rust In Peace

What do you call a robot that isn't trans anymore?

Transformer

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Apparently Scientists have created robots to give love and support to people

The first word that came to my head was "RoBlowjob"

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so...

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make?

Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp?

A megabyte.

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So my friend borrowed a humanoid lady robot from me yesterday

I just met him at the ICU, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me the hole between her legs was a sharpener!?"

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

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All the sex robots I’ve seen hate cuddling

They just Nut and Bolt

You tested positive for the Coronavirus. Which do you prefer? A robot or a caregiver in a hazmat suit wearing a diaper?

It depends.

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.
<...

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.


Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
...

What do you call a robot giving birth?

Contraptions

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

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What do you call an inappropriate robot?

A wire stripper

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

let robots vote like any other person

so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks

What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture

I'm not saying all factory workers are robots...

All I'm saying is when they get to work they've returned to their factory setting.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg.

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Sex robot:

Unexpected item in bagging area

I'm a robot. Don't try to tell me otherwise

My mind is made up.

if I were Sarah Connor

I would simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures has a pedestrian crossing in it

The caretaker of a generation ship is on his deathbed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Lie detector

**After hearing complaints of his son from school, the dad bought home a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …**

DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?

SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Ok...

I was a failing engineering student. Today I finished creating a robot with speech capabilities.

Between you and me, that's saying something.

"Robot Walks in to a bar .... "

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots"And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"

**Bonus:**

Boy wants a car from his dad Dad says, "First, you got to cut that hair"Boy says, "Hey, Dad, Jesus had long hair"And Dad says, "...

What's a robot's favourite Mexican food?

Silicon Carne.

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

I hate those human verification boxes

If I wanted to get treated like a robot I’d sell weed

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Once the sex robots learn cooking...

women will be 'screwed'.

What do you call it when a robot hits puberty?

- Nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex robot I entered into the school science fair came last.

It did not go down well.

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Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a robot that has to take an exam to become human.

Doctor: Don't worry, it'll pass.

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

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Why did the robot need viagra?

His disk was floppy.

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.

The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.

The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.

The son said: “I stayed after ...

Why did the robot deny having a brother?

Because he had trans-sisters

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Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot""

I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

Why don’t robots play Pokémon?

They can’t CAPTCHA ‘em all

C3PO is trying to get Nitrous Oxide for his robot friend.

He walks up to a vampire and says 'I want Nos for Ar-Too'.

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.


^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

In the future, dating robots will be casual

Relationships will all be on again, off again

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"My sex robot broke up with me."

"Don't worry man, there's plenty more plastic in the sea."

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.

“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

A hospital buys a robot

The robot is used in multiple operations, performing complicated surgeries. One day, it breaks, and the Hospital calls a mechanic. The mechanic looks at the robot, and says, "I know the problem." The hospital staff asks, "What?" In which the mechanic says, "It only operates on batteries."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot that sexually harasses people?

R2 #metoo

What do you call a robot with odour problems?

C3-BO

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

How does a robotic Muslim pray?

Towards Mecha.

If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.



Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

What happens when a Norwegian robot scans a bird?

It Scandanavian

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

Nerd Joke: What do you get if you cross a robot with a pirate?

Aaaarrrrr2D2

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the Fall?

They were autumn mated.

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex robot during sex.

You really know how to push my buttons.

What kind of programming do trans robots have?

Non-Binary

A robot walks into a bar

He gets a drink because he cant say jokes

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

What do you call a robot that can read your mind?

A psyborg.

Why did the tiny robot need sodium nitrate in order to work?

It was a NaNObot.

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar. ...

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots."

The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

Alexa where is my father?

A girl was sitting on the couch watching a movie with her family when she suddenly gets the idea to see if Alexa can tell that her father is watching the movie as well, so she tells her family to wait and check this out and proceeds to pause the movie and asks out loud Alexa where is my dad?
"He ...

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