What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

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What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

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Why did the robot stop watching porn?

He lost his sex drive.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

What do you call a robot from Sweden?

An artificial Swedener.

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

Robots don't have brothers...

They have tran-sisters.

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

Have you heard about the robot who got into a fight?

It was charged with battery.

What do you call a robotic horse?

A woahh-bot

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Why are Democrat robots so bad at dancing?

They were built with bad Al-Gore-rhythms.

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

What did the robot say to the guy running the tattoo shop?

I'd like to get my nickels pierced.

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

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If I was a robot

I’d actually have a sex drive

(Credit to my stoned wife)

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

What makes Al Gore so robotic?

His Al Gore rhythm

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

What do you call it when robots organize an African themed party?

BotsWanna Party

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

What did one robot say to the other after they got arrested by the police?

"At least we got charged."

What language do Eeyore and Marvin the Robot use to communicate with each other?

Morose Code

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips

What haircut do rastafarian robots have?

Droidlocks

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"

The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

I just got a wireless robot the other day.

You could say that our relationship comes with no strings attached.

Who do robot Karens like to call?

The task manager

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

Why did the robot cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken.

Why don't robots like apples?

They're androids.

Two robots fall in love

Two robots fall in love they went on dates and they got a bit frisky so the male put on his nuts and bolt and they went at it he put it in and the girl robot said "no input detected"

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

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how a computer gonna ask me if i’m a robot

muthafucka YOU ARE the robot

Who is smarter, a robot maid or a robot MD?

A robot maid, because she's got her AI.

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

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The husband is going on a business trip.

Immediately before leaving, he says to his wife: "Honey! I am leaving for a long time and I understand that it will be difficult for you without a man. Therefore I constructed a robot. His name is Bob. As soon as you want a man, say: " Bob! "and he will do his job."

Just after the husband cl...

Your honour, i'm not a robot

How could i possibly be charged with battery?

What did the robot have written on their gravestone?

Rust In Peace

What is a restaurant for robots called?

Dell taco

The aliens sent down a robot to earth.

The aliens claimed that this robot can catch thieves very fast!

They united nations sent the robot to Canada and in just a few seconds, the robot caught all the thieves in Canada.

Amazed, the united nations sent the robot to America.

The it the robot a bit longer but after 15 mi...

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator?

I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***

A girl is talking to a robot...

A girl is talking to a robot and says something that could be considered offensive towards robots. She says, "Sorry, I'm not trying to be robophobic," and the robot says, "Thanks, but you don't need to be so PC."

What did the dude tell the unforgiving robot

You got a chip on your shoulder

Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb?

A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

What do you call flying transformers?

Robots in the skies!

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

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All the sex robots I’ve seen hate cuddling

They just Nut and Bolt

what did the robot order at the take away place?

computer chips with a dessert of raspberry pi

Robots are the most loyal lovers

Their love just can't be bot.

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make?

Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

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Apparently Scientists have created robots to give love and support to people

The first word that came to my head was "RoBlowjob"

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so...

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg.

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What do you call a robot that’s been sexually molested?

R2ME2

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

I’m starting to make a robot that has a really high words per minute.

He’s a pro-to-type.

What famous humanoid robot wrote Phantom of the Opera?

Android Lloyd Webber

How does a robot identify?

It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

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Did you hear the news? A town got hit by a Giant Robot Bottom

It was an Ass Droid

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

What do you call a robot giving birth?

Contraptions

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0?

He's 0K now!

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a robot.


The bartender asks "Hey man, what's with the robot?"
The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the robot and then the robot starts blowing him.


"Wow that's pretty cool," says the bartender.

"You wanna try?" asks t...

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.


^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

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