What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

Why did the robot cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken.

(A joke from one of my mom’s kindergartners)

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

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Why did the robot stop watching porn?

He lost his sex drive.

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

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What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts

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Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

Has anyone heard of the Jamaican vigilante who dresses up in a black robot costume?

They call him the Botmon.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

What was the robot charged with?

Battery

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Robots don't have brothers...

They have tran-sisters.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

What do you call a robotic horse?

A woahh-bot

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

Why are Democrat robots so bad at dancing?

They were built with bad Al-Gore-rhythms.

What did the robot say to the guy running the tattoo shop?

I'd like to get my nickels pierced.

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

What makes Al Gore so robotic?

His Al Gore rhythm

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

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Should've told him

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

Next day Peter call...

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"

The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

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If I was a robot

I’d actually have a sex drive

(Credit to my stoned wife)

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

What do you call it when robots organize an African themed party?

BotsWanna Party

What language do Eeyore and Marvin the Robot use to communicate with each other?

Morose Code

What did one robot say to the other after they got arrested by the police?

"At least we got charged."

Who do robot Karens like to call?

The task manager

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

I just got a wireless robot the other day.

You could say that our relationship comes with no strings attached.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? –

He nuts and bolts.

What haircut do rastafarian robots have?

Droidlocks

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

Who is smarter, a robot maid or a robot MD?

A robot maid, because she's got her AI.

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

What did the robot have written on their gravestone?

Rust In Peace

Why don't robots like apples?

They're androids.

Two robots fall in love

Two robots fall in love they went on dates and they got a bit frisky so the male put on his nuts and bolt and they went at it he put it in and the girl robot said "no input detected"

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

Your honour, i'm not a robot

How could i possibly be charged with battery?

What is a restaurant for robots called?

Dell taco

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how a computer gonna ask me if i’m a robot

muthafucka YOU ARE the robot

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

My robotics professor likes to tell people he's MIT

Made In Taiwan

A girl is talking to a robot...

A girl is talking to a robot and says something that could be considered offensive towards robots. She says, "Sorry, I'm not trying to be robophobic," and the robot says, "Thanks, but you don't need to be so PC."

What did the dude tell the unforgiving robot

You got a chip on your shoulder

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make?

Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb?

A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.

Robots are the most loyal lovers

Their love just can't be bot.

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

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The husband is going on a business trip.

Immediately before leaving, he says to his wife: "Honey! I am leaving for a long time and I understand that it will be difficult for you without a man. Therefore I constructed a robot. His name is Bob. As soon as you want a man, say: " Bob! "and he will do his job."

Just after the husband cl...

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All the sex robots I’ve seen hate cuddling

They just Nut and Bolt

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot

They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

what did the robot order at the take away place?

computer chips with a dessert of raspberry pi

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Apparently Scientists have created robots to give love and support to people

The first word that came to my head was "RoBlowjob"

Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator?

I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***

What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so...

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

I’m starting to make a robot that has a really high words per minute.

He’s a pro-to-type.

What famous humanoid robot wrote Phantom of the Opera?

Android Lloyd Webber

What do you call a robot giving birth?

Contraptions

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

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What do you call a robot that’s been sexually molested?

R2ME2

Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

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