The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

“Got any 2 watt bulbs?”

“For what?”

“That’ll do I’ll take two.”

“Two what?”

“I thought you didn’t have any.”

“Any what?”

“Ok then!”

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

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I use to work for a hardware store.

I was being trained by this older gentlemen and he was telling me that the job was all about the up sale. I told me to watch as he went up to someone buying grass seed.

"You should buy this new lawn mower too. You don't want to be cutting your nice new grass with an old lawnmower."

So...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw...

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A Lowe's Hardware bathroom

is just an advertisement

Just saw Elvis at the hardware store...

Returned a sander!

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

Did you hear about the hardware store being built in Mariana's Trench?

It will be the lowest of Lowe's.

What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts?

Ow! Menards!!

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store and approaches the young salesman on duty.

Her: I'd like to buy a trap to deal with a vermin problem I've been having

Him: Well, many of our customers like to go for a trap, some of them even go as far as to spend the extra penny for a n...

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

She goes to the register to pay, and the guy behind the counter says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

What do parties hosted by billionaires have in common with hardware stores?

They're both filled with tools.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

A woman walks into a hardware store..

She asks the salesman " What's the price of this door hinge"

The salesman replies " Would you like a screw for the hinge."

The woman replies " No, but I'll blow you for the toaster in the corner."

Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

Man goes into a hardware store for hooks.

He tells the kid working there his wife wants a dozen little gold hooks to hang jewelry. The kid looks and comes back saying, we don't have gold ones but we do have silver ones, they'll work just as good.
To which the man looks at the kid and says, "you aren't married are you?"

The hardware store was having a sale on batteries the other day.

If you bought a battery charger, they’d give you a battery, free of charge!

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks the shopkeeper if he'd like to have a one-night stand.

He gives her the nuts and bolts.

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A woman buys a picture frame from the Hardware Store.

The store man says, would you like a screw for that?

She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

My mistress and I ran into my wife at the hardware store...

She kicked me in Menards.

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks “how long do you want them mate?”, the man responds “nah I wanna keep em”

Not sure if this has been posted before but I tho...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?

One that turns his software into hardware.

Another one translated to English, this time from Czech :)

A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store.
In the animal store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?
The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goos...

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?

The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

I hate polish jokes

I went into a deli the other day and I ask for a polish sausage. The deli man says " oh you must be polish"
I said "what why would you think that because I'm polish, I gotta order a polish sausage?"

I says "if I guy came in and ordered German potato salad, would you consider that guy a Ger...

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.

The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".

After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets,...

Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

The horse goes into the hardware shop...

The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work

and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies

"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."

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Toilets are the toughest piece of hardware in our houses.

They take shit from everybody like a champ.

With the increasing popularity of the big box stores, small family-owned stores were really struggling in the small town where I grew up. To fight back against the completion, three of them decided to merge.

Aikenhead's Hardware, Stroker Autoparts, and Beaver Lumber got together to make Stroker-Aiken-Beaver. The grand opening was spectacular, everybody came.

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it. They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”
“I’d rather put the 35 d...

Wich item asks the most questions in a hardware store?

The 60 watt bulb

I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it

True story:

Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She’d never heard of maroon before.

“You’re making that up,” she said.

I replied, “Yeah, it’s a pigment of my machinations.”

In retrospe...

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

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Chuck Norris calls a local hardware store..

Chuck: Do you have a rod?
Store guy: Yes.
Chuck: Then shove it up your ass.
*hangs up

The store guy again gets a call from Chuck but the store guy thinks he has got it this time.

Chuck: Do you have a rod?
Store guy: No.
Chuck: Did you shove it up your ass?
*hangs up...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio and his new girlfriend were having problems in bed.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters coming from Pinocchio's woody.

Pinocchio didn't know how to fix this and eventually went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the ha...

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

-Steven Alan Green

woman at hardware store!

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.


When Carl was finished,...

A pimp walks into a hardware store...

... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: “They used Goldberg’s nails.”

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, “You can’t use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus’s bod...

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My favorite joke. So John owns a hardware store...

...and business is doing well. One day, as he is standing around keeping shop, he hears a booming voice from the heavens: JOHN, SELL YOUR HARDWARE STORE.

John looks around and nobody else is reacting. Nobody else heard it. So he decides to act as if nothing happened, and just hope he is not ...

I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...

They always send me a blind guy.

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A Blonde Goes Into A Hardware Store

A Blonde is doing some home improvement work and needs to replace a door. However, she needs two hinges and only has one. She goes down to the massive home improvement store to purchase the second one.

She finds an employee, who helps her find the hinge she needs. The employee decides to be h...

So a duck walks into a hardware store...

Duck: Got any quackers?

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a hardware store. We don't sell crackers.

So the duck leaves and comes back again the next day

Duck: Got any quackers?

Clerk: Sorry sir, like I told you yesterday, this is a hardware store, we don't sell crackers.
...

A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...

...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.

The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the sev...

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

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A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

Man goes into a hardware store...

Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"

Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"

The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"

What do men and plungers have in common?

They spend most of their lives in either a hardware store, or a bathroom.

A man walks into a hardware store

and asks the cashier, "Do you sell mousetraps here?" She replies, "Yes, sir, we do, but they're way in the back of the store. It'll take a while for me to get you one." The man replies, "Thank you. But please do hurry. I have to catch a bus." The cashier says back, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, bu...

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

A man walks into a hardware store

A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.

The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard ...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

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What's the difference between a computer and sex?

In computer, software goes into the hardware but in sex, hardware goes into the software.

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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punch...

Christers

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels an...

A duck walks into a hardware store...

and asks the man behind the counter "Got any bolts?" The man says "Nope. We're all out of bolts." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks the man behind the counter "Got any bolts?" The man says "Nope. We're all out of bolts." The duck leaves.

This goes on for a week...

Hardware Store

A friend of mine went to the hardware store to pick up a saw. When he found one that he needed he grabbed it from the shelf quickly, knocking a few other saws off the shelf with it. They fell on him and he unfortunately died.

I guess you could say he was taken by supplies.

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

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Three men are on a road trip across the US...

One is from Kentucky, another is from Tennessee and the last if from West Virginia.

So they are on the road and the man from Kentucky gets hungry so they decide to stop and get some food. He stops and buys some peanuts and a drink. As hes checking out the lady says

"Oh you must be from...

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Snake-headed raccoon

A man goes to the hardware store, and says he needs an animal with the head of a snake and the body of a raccoon. The store keeper asks him what the heck he needs a snake-headed raccoon for. The man explains that his yard is full of leaves, and needs tidying. The store keeper asks the man how such a...

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

That's a hardware problem.

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.
<...

Shafts and tattoos

Todd wants to get a tattoo of his girlfriend's name and decides to put it along his shaft. Now when he's erect it says "WENDY" and when he's flaccid it says "WY".

A few weeks later Todd and his girlfriend are taking a trip to Jamaica. As they're getting off the plane Todd has an urge to pee....

A joke my dad told me years ago, about a perfectionist.

Here we have a perfectionist who is looking to build a brick extension to his house. After doing done calculations, he comes to find that he will need exactly 999 bricks. With his new information, he heads to the local hardware store to order a pallet of 999 bricks. Unfortunately, the manager said t...

Suicide costs more than just your life...

It also costs about 6.99 for the rope at your local hardware store. #Supportlocalbusinesses

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A young boy has a speech impediment

And decides to go to the grocery store to buy some gum. He walks in, and says "Hello, I would like to buy some bum please." The grocer asks him to repeat what he is looking for. The boy does, and the grocer realises that the boy is looking for gum, and send him down the correct aisle.

The boy...

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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.

“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me s...

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A partially deaf kid and his mum

So, it’s a Saturday morning and this partially deaf kids mum asks him to go to the shops to pick up a some bread and a new clock and then he can stop by the stadium to pick up a football ticket for tomorrow’s game.

So off the kid heads to the bakery and being partially deaf he asks the baker ...

How many dads does it take to change a bulb?

One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.

Polish sausage

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German...

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Lost In Translation

Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English. After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English. First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and order...

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