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Clock Jokes

I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

My wife is jealous of my alarm clock.

It is the only thing that can get me up.

6:30 is the best time on a clock...

Hands down.

A book on the history of clocks has finally been released

It's about time

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

I spent a lot of time designing a belt buckle with a clock on it.

What a waist of time.

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks

Because time is relative

I saw an old man walking down the street with a large wall-clock under his arm.

Despite his age, he has time on his side.

Li(f)e Clocks

A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
Th...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

I tried to eat a clock the other day.

It was really time consuming.

A man shouts to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock"...

She walks in to find him naked with a hard on...

She says, "That's not a clock"...

He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it"...

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I'm going to write a book about a man who makes love to a clock

It's about fucking time

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

why didn't people make clock out of stone?

cause they had a hard time.

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock

wake up people

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!"

"That's alarming!"

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…

…it’s about time!

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine?

The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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People with clock fetishes are so punctual.

They always cum on time

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My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

My brother is an engineer for the Big Ben

He’s also a workaholic, he works around the clock.

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

A joke my 7 year old son came up with.

- What app does the clock have installed on his phone?

- TikTok

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

I ate a clock for breakfast

It was very time-consuming

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443rd day without sex:

Watching the clock at 4:43 just to see when it's gonna be on all fours.

What did the little boy say to the clock as he was leaving?

See you next time!

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

Why do angry clocks only tock?

Because they are ticked off.

What's a clock when you take the batteries out?

Ticked off.

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?...

Look grandpa, no hands!!

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

A guy retires and moves to the country

After decades of working in a Post Office a guy decides to retire and move to the outback, where his nearest neighbour lives a kilometre away from him. One weekend, this neighbour visits the guy and invite them to his house for a party that evening.

“but I gotta warn you” says the neighbour “...

To get an alarm clock to go off, you must turn it on

I operate in the same manner

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I once got fired from a clock factory.

and after all those extra hours I put in...

And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were PISSED!!!

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.

My friend ate a clock....

Well I guess you could say it was time-consuming

What did the Gestapo interrogator say to the clock that went « tick…[pause]…tick…[pause]…tick… »

« We haff VAYS to make you tock! »

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

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Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

So my neighbor taped some clocks and watches on his belt

Guess you might call that a Waist of Time

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

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[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft r...

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

A man got arrested for destroying all of the clocks in his neighborhood.

When he was asked why he did such a thing the man replied:
I just wanted to kill some time.

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock?

A waste of time and energy.

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

The first digital clock

A man is setting up the first ever digital clock, and as soon as he plugs it in, he excitedly calls to his wife, “Honey, come look at this! This technology is truly ahead of its time”

“I could’ve sworn it was only 5:30, but it says its already 12:00!”

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an e...

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

The Clock

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...

...It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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A guy walks into a clock shop...

He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.

The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."

How do you know people enjoy eating clocks?

They're always having seconds.

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The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

The other day I saw a huge sign advertising a bunch of clocks.

I guess it's just a sign of the times.

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks...

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:


...

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound di...

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

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