Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:


...

Don’t eat clocks.

It’s time consuming.

Why do clocks get Covid?

Their hands are on their faces.

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

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Talking Clock

THE TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass Chinese gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong...

Turning back the clock an hour in 2020

Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

I once was dared to eat a clock

I would not recommend doing it, as it was really time consuming.

Was not that bad though, i even had seconds...

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

There’s finally a good joke about clocks.

It’s about time.

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Heaven clocks

A man dies and goes to heaven. As he arrives there an angel is waiting for him to give him a tour. They enter through the golden gates and go inside a big bright building. There were a big number of clocks running at different speeds and the man was puzzled. He asked the angel what they were.
...

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

The clocks are going back this month

Unfortunately I can’t remember where I brought mine from.

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

It's two o'clock in the morning..

and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello... How the hell do i know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know...

What killed the clock?

Second hand smoke

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

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After 10 years, my book about the sexual encounter I once had with a clock is finally completed.

It's about fucking time.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

How do you fix a broken clock?

You Tic it to the Toctor.

How do you know people enjoy eating clocks?

They're always having seconds.

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

I’d make a clock out of spices

But I just don’t have the Thyme

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You hear the one about the guy who’s sexually attracted to clocks?

Well, its about fucking time.

Why did Bob put up a lightbulb next to the kitchen clock?

Because he couldn't find the thyme


.


I'll see myself out

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

...

What do you get when you multiply a clock by another clock?

Times square

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "...

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

Bought my wife a clock for our anniversary

Because, there's no present , like the time.

When my grandfather died I found out he had a massive collection of clocks he built and was pretty popular

I later found out through a typo he was more popular for other things

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A guy walks into a clock shop

He then pulls his dick out and puts it on the counter.

The lady says, “Sir, I think you’ve misunderstood...this is a Clock shop.”

He says, “Yeah I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on it!”

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

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Did you know people in Alabama often have sex with clocks?

It's because time is relative.

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

A man has just bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.

He’s carefully carrying it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him smashing the grandfather clock and knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and says “why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

To which the drunk replies “why don’t you...

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

A man sold me a clock without the minute and hour hands

He said he clearly wrote that it was a second-hand clock.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? .

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds

At 3’o’clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.

she says “Have you been drinking?”

the husband laughed and said “No honey, I drove home.”

The wife’s face drops and she begins to panic.

The husband then starts to freak out and says “What’s wrong?!”
...

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

Why do Redditors hate clocks?

They go tik tok tik tok...

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

I've been learning to read an analogue clock

I’ve recently started, so far I can only tell 6:30 on an analogue clock but I’ve got that position hands down.

What did they call the Minecraft player who built a clock in-game to chime at 4:20?

A Redstoner.

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Everyone knows eating a clock is very time consuming

But I hope you saved room for seconds

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

An alarm clock is a time machine.

You set it and wake up in the future!

Heard they are making a movie about clocks

Its about time!

I got a tattoo of a clock and a $100 dollar bill on my midsection

I was then told it was a waist of time and money

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

Why did Jhon through his clock out of his window?

Because he wanted to see if time flys!

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

What do you call a man with a clock in his head?

I don't know, just don't ask what the time is

If my phone's clock is right...

I just lasted 1 hour 45 seconds in bed

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

I'm going into the grandfather clock business and I'm really gonna make it...

...big time!

I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...

It's not great, but it gets me out of the house.

What do clocks eat?

Mostly hour-d'oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they usually take seconds

What did the clockmaker say when he finished making a clock?

"It's about time".

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Most people don't know that Big Ben isn't the name of the clock, but of the bell.

The clock is Tickity Ted the Time-Telling Bitch

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows...

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows when they arrived at all the different nooses

“Why do you need so many nooses?” Asked the apprentice

“Well you see, the first one is the 5 o’clock noose. The second one is the 7 o’clock noose and this third one is the 9 o’clock n...

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

One time I decided to rob a clock store

I ended up taking a lot of time.

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

So after hours of looking I finally found this old clock joke from my childhood.

It’s about time.

Clocks are all pretty much the same

But sometimes the differences are alarming

Heavenly Clocks

John arrived at the gates to Heaven, and was greeted there by Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells John: “This is a pretty big place, let me take you on a tour of Heaven”. After a while, John asks: “What are all these clocks hanging everywhere?”. Saint Peter tells him that every person that ever lived has...

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What's the difference between a clock and a surgeon that specializes in penis reconstruction?

One's a tick tock, the other's a dick doc.

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

I've been holding off on reading this book about clocks

But I think it's about time

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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

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