A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Why should you never eat a clock?

It's too time consuming

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

Don't you think eating clocks is

Time consuming

What's the worst part about eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

Why did the clown through his clock out the window.

Because he wanted to see time fly.

It hate it when people throw their clocks in the bin.

It's a waste of time.

What do you call a belt with a clock on it?

A waist of time

What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

What does it mean when a preacher looks at the clock?

Absolutely nothing.

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

...just purchased a Hungarian clock!

...it went back fo~~u~~r seconds!

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I take a crap every morning at exactly 6 o'clock.

The problem is I dont get out of bed until 6:30.

I ate a clock the other day.

I had to stop half way through it though because it was very time consuming.

6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

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Hickory dickory doc, three mice ran up a clock

The clock struck one and the other two came down with minor injuries.

Yesterday I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

I shot my grandfather clock

I was just trying to kill some time.

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm and the clock struck midnight..

I thought “same shit different day”

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

What do clocks do when they're hungry

It go back four seconds

Did you hear about the boy who ate his alarm clock?

Apparently it was really time consuming

Why did the clock store go out of business?

They had terrible hours.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

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Donkey balls clock

So an American man is wondering around Mexico and begins to wonder what time it is. The American spots a Mexican man having a siesta and decides to wake the Mexican. The American man asks, "Senor, do you know what time it is?" The Mexican man looks to a donkey beside him, places his hand on the donk...

I know a lot of jokes about clocks

But I don’t have the time to tell them

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My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock.

He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

I’m slowly developing a fetish for clocks

It’ll come with time

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

Have you heard the story about the watch, clock and sandglass?

It's about time.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to fix the clock.

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

They're finally making a clock movie.

It's about time.

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A man walks into a clock shop...

where a smoking hot girl is working behind the counter. He walks straight up to the counter, looks her in the eye, and lobs is cock out onto the counter.

The girl, very shocked, says "excuse me sir, I think you've the wrong kind of establishment, this is a clock shop!"

The man says "I ...

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in m...

Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

I finally came across an original joke about clocks.

It’s about time.

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

Why was the clock always so itchy?

Because it had tiks

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I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

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The Cuckoo Clock

A woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. "I promise!" she added.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 AM, a bit blitzed, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo ...

The other day I fell asleep on a clock

I actually woke up on time

How do watches and clocks get ticked off?

they wind each other up

In WWII, what did the German officer say to the clock that ticked?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it a clock?

Eon

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

Clocks are weird, they have a little hand

And a minute hand

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

Why was the clock sent to detention?

It ticked-off the teacher by tock-ing in class.

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

Never thought eating a clock would take so long

it's time consuming.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

What happens when you annoy a clock?

It gets ticked off.

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Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

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Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice fr...

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The cops caught me having sex with a clock in public....

Looks like I'm doing time.

I just got fired from the clock making factory

Because I put in too many hours.

It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replie...

A broken clock is right two...

more times a day than I am

A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour.

I asked him why he accepted the offer for so little pay.

He replied "It's not about the money."

"It's about damn time."

Did you hear about the tiny clock?

I heard it was minute

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

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