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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

It goes back 4 Seconds!

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Finally watched a seminar on watches and clocks

It was about time.

My dad said he ate a clock...

So I asked him how it was.

To which he replied...

"It was time consuming."

I ate a clock today.

First I ate the hours and minutes, and then I went back for seconds.

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

What's the hardest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an e...

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...

So you can start 2021 on the right foot!

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

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Why did the 90 year old Alabama man have sex with his clock?

Cuz time is relative.

Now after a vigorous sex session with the clock, he decided that the last thing to do is to wash and clean his clock. Why is this so?



















Cuz his time has cum.

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The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

For my friend’s birthday, I just bought him a giant clock after 2 hours of shopping.

Time to wrap it up.

My day started out great, until 12 o’clock

Thats when i woke up

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

What do you call a blind clock that’s really tall?

Long time, no see

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I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit. Different year.”

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:


...

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Why do clocks get Covid?

Their hands are on their faces.

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Talking Clock

THE TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass Chinese gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong...

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

Turning back the clock an hour in 2020

Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Heaven clocks

A man dies and goes to heaven. As he arrives there an angel is waiting for him to give him a tour. They enter through the golden gates and go inside a big bright building. There were a big number of clocks running at different speeds and the man was puzzled. He asked the angel what they were.
...

A boy asks his dad “What is that fast moving hand on the clock called?”

His dad answers, “Why, it’s called the second hand”



The boy then asks, “Okay, but what’s it called?”

I once was dared to eat a clock

I would not recommend doing it, as it was really time consuming.

Was not that bad though, i even had seconds...

I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

Apparently my alarm clock is transparent

I slept right through it

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

The clocks are going back this month

Unfortunately I can’t remember where I brought mine from.

It's two o'clock in the morning..

and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello... How the hell do i know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

How do you know people enjoy eating clocks?

They're always having seconds.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

What killed the clock?

Second hand smoke

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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A man comes to visit his friend...

...and notices a huge, asian gong in his living room. So he asks him, why does he have such a huge gong. "Oh, that is no gong, it's a talking clock! Here, let me show you!"

He grabs a mallet and hits the gong with full force. And from the next apartment could be heard: **"ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS...

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After 10 years, my book about the sexual encounter I once had with a clock is finally completed.

It's about fucking time.

How do you fix a broken clock?

You Tic it to the Toctor.

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

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You hear the one about the guy who’s sexually attracted to clocks?

Well, its about fucking time.

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

...

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

Why did Bob put up a lightbulb next to the kitchen clock?

Because he couldn't find the thyme


.


I'll see myself out

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

What do you get when you multiply a clock by another clock?

Times square

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

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Did you know people in Alabama often have sex with clocks?

It's because time is relative.

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

Bought my wife a clock for our anniversary

Because, there's no present , like the time.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? .

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds

When my grandfather died I found out he had a massive collection of clocks he built and was pretty popular

I later found out through a typo he was more popular for other things

A man has just bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.

He’s carefully carrying it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him smashing the grandfather clock and knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and says “why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

To which the drunk replies “why don’t you...

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A guy walks into a clock shop

He then pulls his dick out and puts it on the counter.

The lady says, “Sir, I think you’ve misunderstood...this is a Clock shop.”

He says, “Yeah I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on it!”

A man sold me a clock without the minute and hour hands

He said he clearly wrote that it was a second-hand clock.

Today I realized my most enlightening appliance is my alarm clock.

Everytime it goes off, I get woke.

Why do Jedi hate alarm clocks?

Because of The Force Awakens.

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to London?

She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

Why do Redditors hate clocks?

They go tik tok tik tok...

Heard they are making a movie about clocks

Its about time!

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

I've been learning to read an analogue clock

I’ve recently started, so far I can only tell 6:30 on an analogue clock but I’ve got that position hands down.

Everyone knows eating a clock is very time consuming

But I hope you saved room for seconds

What do you call a man with a clock in his head?

I don't know, just don't ask what the time is

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

At 3’o’clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.

she says “Have you been drinking?”

the husband laughed and said “No honey, I drove home.”

The wife’s face drops and she begins to panic.

The husband then starts to freak out and says “What’s wrong?!”
...

What did they call the Minecraft player who built a clock in-game to chime at 4:20?

A Redstoner.

What did the clock do to the ruler during the apocalypse?

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

I got a tattoo of a clock and a $100 dollar bill on my midsection

I was then told it was a waist of time and money

An alarm clock is a time machine.

You set it and wake up in the future!

If my phone's clock is right...

I just lasted 1 hour 45 seconds in bed

Why did Jhon through his clock out of his window?

Because he wanted to see if time flys!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

What do you call a clock with no hands, no movement, and no numbers?

Not a clock.

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

Wives don't joke with husbands this days...

A man went on a night out with his friends. The wife was furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him.

At about12 o'clock the man comes back and knocks. The Wife tells him:

"go sleep where you are coming from " and the man answered "I'm not h...

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