Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

I decided to eat a clock.

It was time consuming

Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Cuckoo Clock

A woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. "I promise!" she added.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 AM, a bit blitzed, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo ...

At the age of 25, I FINALLY learned the meaning of the numbers on a clock.

It's about time.

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have ne...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy as...

I finally came across an original joke about clocks.

It’s about time.

Have you ever tried eating a clock,

Because its very time-consuming

Ancient Egyptians invented the 24 hour clock.

They didn't know what to call it, so they just called it a day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’

The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

Why was the clock always so itchy?

Because it had tiks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we'll know when the time comes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally submitted my thesis about people with a fetish for clocks.

It's about fucking time.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

How do watches and clocks get ticked off?

they wind each other up

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

​

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

​

He thoug...

Clocks are weird, they have a little hand

And a minute hand

What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

The other day I fell asleep on a clock

I actually woke up on time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

Why was the clock sent to detention?

It ticked-off the teacher by tock-ing in class.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

In WWII, what did the German officer say to the clock that ticked?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

Never thought eating a clock would take so long

it's time consuming.

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hickery dickery dock. The mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one,
And the others suffered minor injuries.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

What happens when you annoy a clock?

It gets ticked off.

I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

I just got fired from the clock making factory

Because I put in too many hours.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey gurl, are you an alarm clock?

Cos your annoying and won’t shut the fuck up

A broken clock is right two...

more times a day than I am

Wanna know something about eating clocks?

It's rather... time consuming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour.

I asked him why he accepted the offer for so little pay.

He replied "It's not about the money."

"It's about damn time."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cops caught me having sex with a clock in public....

Looks like I'm doing time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice fr...

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When will we know what happens when the clock jerks off?

I think the time will cum.

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

How do you know if a clock's being robbed?

It's face'll show 12:00.

The secret to a good clock joke is the

Timing

What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

Did you hear about the tiny clock?

I heard it was minute

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

Did you hear they're making a movie about clocks?

It's about time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

[Maybe OC] Did you hear about the man who got arrested for looking at stern clocks?

He was facing some serious time

I used to collect clocks when I was younger

I had too much time on my hands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

A guy named joe dies and goes to heaven...

A guy named joe dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is giving Joe a tour of heaven. They walk through a massive hallway filled with clocks.

Joe: what are all these clocks for?

St. Peter: every person living dead has a clock and Everytime they lie it ticks one second.

Joe: Cool! ...

It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replie...

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

My clock is really small

It is a minute problem

I bought a clock that was missing the minute hand and the hour hand.

It was a second hand clock.

How do you tell if a clock is from Norfolk?

It's hands have an extra finger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.

He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock. The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP". I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".

What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of murder?

"LISTEN PUNK! We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"

I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.

When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.

I bought a clock that was made by the patients at a psychiatric hospital

It's the most beautiful cuckoo clock I've ever seen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

A man walks up to a russian clock maker

A man walks up to a russian clock maker. He says, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!

The russian clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yell: WE HAVE WAY OF MAKE YOU TOK

PHEW! I finally got around to reading that book my wife got me on Clocks...

... it was about time!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. "A talking...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

A catholic man dies and goes to Heaven, there he learns that "lie clocks" exist for all humans...

A man is greeted by St. Peter, he quickly notices there are many objects that look like clocks attached to the walls.

St. Peter explains that every time a person tells a lie, the hand on their clocks spins just a little faster.

As he walks through the hallway, he sees mother Teresa's c...

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

Why did the cancer patient go to the clock store?

To buy some time.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the Clock Lovers Association

Signed up immediately, it’s about fucking time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was arrested for putting my penis into a stranger's grandfather clock.

I'm still doing time.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.