UPJOKE
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6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Li(f)e Clocks

A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
Th...

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

A guy walks into a clock shop and aproaches the counter where a sales lady is standing.

He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.

Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.

Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?

What's the difference between a grandfather clock and grandmother clock?

The dong.

A man shouted to his wife, "Honey, come in here and check out my clock."

She found him standing naked, with a hard-on. "That's not a clock!" she shouted.

"It is," he replied. "It just needs two hands and a face on it."

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound di...

Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?

Because it would be time consuming

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What do a vibrator and a farmer's alarm clock have in common?

They're both electronic replacements for cocks.

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

My wife is jealous of my alarm clock.

It is the only thing that can get me up.

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

Throwing out perfectly good clocks

Is a waste of time.

Apparently the clocks are going back next week

I guess that’s daylight robbery

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about time.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we will know when the time comes...

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

I got a job making incomplete clocks

It’s only part time

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

The Government are looking to stop doing Roman numerals on clocks!

Not on my watch

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell ...

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

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Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Hickory hickory Dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

and the other two got away with minor injuries

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

EDIT: Also, I don't want my time to go to waist.
Courtesy of /u/Carter127

My dad spent all day putting a clock on his belt

It was a waist of time

Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks

Because time is relative

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

One guy says to his friend "Hey ask me about my funny clock joke"

The other guy doesn't ask. He waits around a week then finally says "Hey, tell me that clock joke you mentioned a week ago."

The first guy exclaimed:
"Finally! It's about time!"

When you're not home your clocks just go "tick, tick, tick."

Because they don't tock to themselves.

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I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

A man takes his grandfather clock in to be repaired….

The repair person in the clock shop is an old German. The man says my grandfather clock only goes tik tik tik tik. They take the clock to the back room of the shop and tie it to a chair. The old man then lights up a cigarette, take a big drag, and blows the smoke in the clocks face. He sets the ciga...

why didn't people make clock out of stone?

cause they had a hard time.

This is a conspiracy by Big Alarm Clock

wake up people

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

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I'm going to write a book about a man who makes love to a clock

It's about fucking time

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Talking Clock

So I was out the other night with a mate. We met at a pub, had a couple of drinks and went clubbing. About 3am, we stumble out, both of us completely plastered. My friend, who's struggling to stand up, offers me a place to sleep at his flat - just a 5 minute walk. Being somewhat on the floor myself,...

What do you call it when your clock goes up and down in waves

A sine of the times

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Talking Clock

THE TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass Chinese gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong...

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What did the Nazi interrogater say to the clock that would only tick?

"Ve have vays of making you tock!"

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People with clock fetishes are so punctual.

They always cum on time

A man comes out of an antique shop with a priceless grandfather clock

As he is struggling to move the heavy object, a drunken man comes stumbling down the street. The drunken man bumps into the clock. The clock tips over, hits the ground, and breaks into pieces. The man who bought the clock says “Hey man! Why don’t you watch where the hell you’re walking!?” And the dr...

My friend ate a clock....

Well I guess you could say it was time-consuming

The Clock

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!"

"That's alarming!"

The first digital clock

A man is setting up the first ever digital clock, and as soon as he plugs it in, he excitedly calls to his wife, “Honey, come look at this! This technology is truly ahead of its time”

“I could’ve sworn it was only 5:30, but it says its already 12:00!”

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks...

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:


...

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

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I once got fired from a clock factory.

and after all those extra hours I put in...

And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were PISSED!!!

a man was late to work because he was trying to stop his clock from falling down

before he knew it, his time was up

What do you get when you multiply a clock by another clock?

Times square

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…

…it’s about time!

What did the little boy say to the clock as he was leaving?

See you next time!

Why did the kid throw the clock

To see time fly

No, I'm not addicted to taking batteries out of clocks.

I can stop at any time I want.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock i...

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine?

The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable

I saw an old man walking down the street with a large wall-clock under his arm.

Despite his age, he has time on his side.

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

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