I don't always put an orange wedge in my beer

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

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Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

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I call my girlfriend Miss 85%

She does lots around the house but never quite completes any job properly. When she hangs the tea towel on the oven door, she scrunches it up and wedges it behind the handle instead of hanging it neatly on the handle. When she unloads the cutlery basket from the dishwasher, she puts the cutlery in t...

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Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an e...

Tea Break

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …

Paddy ...

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Confession

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the F word this morning on the golf course."
"Tell me, my son, what were the circumstances that put you under such extreme provocation?"
"I drove my tee shot three hundred yards, but the wind suddenly caught it and it landed in the rough." ...

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A man goes to confession at his local church...

He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Tell me what happened, my son” replied the priest

“Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I’d been playing a gre...

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!


Joe immediate...

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

I think I just made the best dad joke ever.

My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell.

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A man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says "Jim! You have two black eyes!"

"Yup," says Jim.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Well, you see I was at the church picnic. I was in line behind Mrs. Dunmore, and I happened to see that her skirt was wedged up into her buttcrack. Being ...

It's been a long hard winter for Mr. And Mrs. Mole...

It's been cold and dark and, well, dank, down in their molehill. Baby Mole is too young to remember the warm days of spring.
One fine morning in March a breeze from above wafts through the burrow. "Do you smell that?" cries Mr. Mole as he scurries up the narrow tunnel to the entrance to the bur...

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

...They reach the first teebox and decide the Nun shall go first. She sets up her ball and then proceeds to pray

"Oh Father, we thank for this wonderful game of golf and this beautifull day that we can come together and play golf for you glory. I ask for you blessing with this drive. Father,...

Nelson Mandela was playing golf with Gobrevich Kimler.

They both teed off on the first hole, a 420 yard par 4 with trees on the right and bunkers on both sides. There were also trees on the left, and bunkers in the middle. Mandela used his driver and shot it 250 meters straight down the middle of the fairway, hopping over all the bunkers.

"Excell...

A man is out playing golf

And having a real terrible time of it. He lands in a sandbar on the second hole, but as he's trying to wedge himself out a frog says "ribbit, 5 iron". The man shocked and annoyed at the suggestion, gives it a shot and smacks the ball hard as he can. The golfer expects this to have only been detrimen...

What's a russian's favorite golf club?

A putin wedge.

How Kids Got Their Names

3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.

The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."

The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was...

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...

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A guy and his family are on safari...

And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's i...

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A man comes home from the bar with a black eye.

Seeing her husband's injury, his wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"I was hit by a woman at the bar." Seeing his wife's face start to turn angry, he quickly adds, "I was just being polite. I was sitting there, quietly enjoying my drink, when I noticed the young lady sitting next to me had he...

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