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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

My friend was explaining electricity to me,

but I was like, ‘Watt?’

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What electrical appliance gives the worst blow jobs?

Garbage disposals

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

I was drinking coffee in the morning while reading about this condemned killer who was executed last night. When I read the part about how all the lights in the execution chamber when out because the electric chair pulled so much power, I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

Must've been a dark roast.

What do you call liquid with electricity going through it?

Watter

What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff

What would you call the American Dream if he had an old electric piano?

Dusty Rhodes with a dusty Rhodes.

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

Electric shock treatment for my BDSM addiction?

Yes, Please!

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

I finished installing an electric fence around the perimeter of my house yesterday.

The neighbours are dead against it.

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What is the similarity between electric cars and your penis?

Both of them are touch to start

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

Why should women marry electrical workers?

Because they are delightful!

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

How is life like an electricity?

You start from null, you have few fazes, and then comes the grounding.

Did you hear about the inventor who made electric blankets for dolphins?

He was shocked when they didn’t work.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

I didn't believe my wife when she could make a delicious dinner out of an electric eel.

But when I tried it, I was shocked!

How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

Two big fans (you know those, the ones that produce electricity?) get into a conversation about music. One says:

“I’m a country fan.”


“Well I’m a big metal fan myself.”

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So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

What do they call the electrical engineering freak?

Wired

I been having these electrical impulse to be more reckless

I've been grounded so many times

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Dad sent me to pay the electric bill...

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especiall...

I need to get myself an electric nose hair trimmer

Scissors just won't cut it anymore :/

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I knew a guy who got an electric Chevy as a gift, but he didn't want it and just gave it to someone else.

Frankly, I find that to be revolting.

My job is to visit people who are late with their electricity bills and take them off the grid if they don't pay straightaway.

Some do, some refuse.

With great power comes great electricity bill

Watt a powerful message

My favorite electric car is still

Lightning McQueen

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

For security, I built a really powerful electric fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it!!!

What did communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

Pikachu is type electric, Charmander is type fire

Snorlax is type 2 diabetic

I'll show myself to the door.

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At the command

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,

"*Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a t...

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time...

I was shocked

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I'm so get at sex...

that after every session, my wife has to go in the bathroom and turn on her electric massager. I think its because of her bad back?

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

What do you call a seal with net electrical charge?

A sea lion

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

In the past, I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill...

Those were the darkest days of my life

Which country holds the most electric charge?

Coulombia.

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

A mouse touched one of my home's electric plug point and died

Looks like i found a shocking new way to get rid of vermin

engineers

4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop

The electrical engineer says "the battery died"

The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"

The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"

The computer engineer says "why don't we get o...

What do you get when you cross a fork and an electric outlet?

The answer will shock you.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn't pay my electric bill

It was the darkest day of my life

I just found out about electricity...

It gave me a real shock!

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.

One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had ...

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electricity outlet?

To be honest, it Hertz.

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

What happened to the disobedient kid who played with electricity?

He got grounded.

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars...

Judge: First offender?

Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

Three engineers were sitting in a bar talking about God

The electrical engineer says "God is clearly an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system! The vast network of nerves and all those neurons firing..."

The mechanical engineer jumps in "No, God is obviously a mechanical engineer. What better example of the power of levers than the muscle...

My favourite icecream place can't afford the electricity bill.

I hear they're having a liquidation sale.

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore

these are some dark times.

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Senior Sex

Senior Sex --

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How...

Why are Reddit posts about electricity never upvoted?

We prefer to give them an upvolt.

Electricity is like a wife.

It's cheaper to take the neighbour's.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire ...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”

I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

I caught my friend harassing some electricity.

I told him it was an abuse of power.

What does a gangster on an island say when they see a non-electric car?

Madagascar

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

If I flip my new Nissan electric car ...

Am I turning over a new Leaf?

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Chevrolet is about to introduce another fully electric car

Many people think it's great but others think it's just re-Volting.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

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3 Engineers

3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body.

The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?

The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?

...

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She respon...

I cleaned my electric fence this morning.

I was shocked that I was able to get it fully clean.

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)

So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana....

What would you call Steve Harris if he worked for an electrical company without pay?

A Powerslave

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

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