My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time-

I was shocked!!

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the el...

I walked into the a electric car dealership,

I asked them how much they charge.

Why did the electric car go to court?

It was charged with battery

I found my son eating electrical cord

So I grounded him,
Until he could conduct himself properly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

Today I was learning about electrical safety.

I was shocked.

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

Electric cars

**Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?**

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?


They one by resistance.

What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan ?

Shredded tweet.

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.

“Nonsense” she said.

I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

There was a point in time where I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bills

Those were darkest days of my life.

I didn’t know I had to actually put my electric toothbrush in my mouth!?!

I thought it was Bluetooth.

Apple finally enters the electric car market

But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

US electrical outlets are a lot like politics.

They both have inherit design flaws that can be dangerous in the hands of idiots.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

Before Elon Musk got into electric cars...

... he was plain old Lon Musk

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's pretty risky to manscape your testicles with an electric razor.

I guess it takes balls.

Have you heard about Ford's new electric coffee car?

It's the Mach-E Auto.

An electrical engineer goes into a bar..

..and CLOSES it.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor

Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.


-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see an...

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I headbutted my neighbour’s electric panel.

I now face charges.

A Frenchman is trying to get information out of an American via electric shocks.

The American says "Please, mercy!"

The Frenchman responds with "Ok", and turns up the voltage.

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

What do you say when a good electric conductor is living on the streets?

It's ohmless.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?

It’s called a Voltswagen.

(Credit for this: Alexa this morning)

I wish I had an electric car like a Tesla...

...so I'm pretty Madagascar is all I can afford.

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

A man buys his wife an electric blanket

The wife is nervous about sleeping under all the wiring but soon enough she relaxes and drifts off into a contented sleep. Unbeknownst to the husband, the wife had put a pork roast in the oven to cook slowly overnight for next day's dinner. In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up and smells...

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

What did the Communist use before candles?

Electricity.

My friend was explaining electricity

And I was like watt?

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Four students are in the car that breaks down

First student, engineering student, says "This is mechanical problem, there's nothing we can do."

Second student, chemistry student, says "You're wrong, this is clearly reason of faulty gasoline. There's nothing we can do."

Third student, electrical engineering student, says "No, there...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

What do electric eels like to swim in?

Fresh Watter

As a child, I was afraid of the dark.

Now, when I see the electricity bill, I'm afraid of the light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

Never buy a second electric car from Chevy.

It's revolting.

What do arsonists and electricity have in common?

They both light up buildings

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, ‟unionized”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it

Homemade and 100% organic

Since it's my cake day, I'll give y'all a joke that I created by myself. One that tickles me.

Two car salesman were talking to each other about their sales. They were really impressed with the commissions they were making with electric cars. Then, one of them asked, "Why doesn't Dodge sel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you stick your testicles onto an electrical socket?

Nuts and volts.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Water, Electricity and College students all have one thing in common...

They all follow the path of least resistance

So an electrical engineer built a house entirely out of resistors.

The welcome mat said Ohm Sweet Ohm.

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it

Nobody had told her about the new electric fence.

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

My friend got zapped from a electric fence

Now he is acting wired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

A guy asks his neighbour: "Please lend me your electric drill."

The neigbour asks: "What do you want it for?"
The guy replies: "I want to get some sleep."

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

My electricity bill is outrageous for the shoddy service I’m getting...

...I’m just not happy with my current provider.

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm

For Electrical Engineers Only !

What do they do with logic gates that behave erratically?

They call an XORcist.

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

how bad I am as an electrician.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

[First Date] Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

If I had a medal for every time I've gotten to the two minute timer on my electric toothbrush...

I still wouldn't have enough metal for all the damn cavities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-Un decided to have a big celebration.

[Long]
He wanted this to be an amazing event, so he made sure to hire the best orchestra around. The director was world renowned to have the most amazing musicians.


The day of the celebration came, but when the orchestra started to play, it was terrible. Kim was so mad, he ordered the...

What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff

What's it called when Batman forgets to pay the electric bill?

A dark night.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing electrical appliances.

Welp she’s in for a shock.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between electric cars and your penis?

Both of them are touch to start

I didn't believe my wife when she could make a delicious dinner out of an electric eel.

But when I tried it, I was shocked!

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