A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

My 8 year-old kept chewing electrical wires…

…so I had to ground him.

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.

What did the cop say while he was beating the electrical insulator?

“Stop resisting!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the el...

I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time-

I was shocked!!

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

What do you call eggs in an electrical socket?

An Ohmelet.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I walked into the a electric car dealership,

I asked them how much they charge.

Why did the electric car go to court?

It was charged with battery

I found my son eating electrical cord

So I grounded him,
Until he could conduct himself properly

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

Today I was learning about electrical safety.

I was shocked.

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.

“Nonsense” she said.

I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.

Electric cars

**Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?**

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says:
“It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says:
“Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says:
“Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says:
“Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan ?

Shredded tweet.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?

How did the protestors win electrical conductance?


They one by resistance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

How did communists light their homes before candles?

With electricity.

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

There was a point in time where I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bills

Those were darkest days of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The electric components under my drivers side seat all started smoking and burning out of nowhere...

In terms of looking for a new car...this has really lit a fire under my ass.

I didn’t know I had to actually put my electric toothbrush in my mouth!?!

I thought it was Bluetooth.

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

US electrical outlets are a lot like politics.

They both have inherit design flaws that can be dangerous in the hands of idiots.

Before Elon Musk got into electric cars...

... he was plain old Lon Musk

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

Have you heard about Ford's new electric coffee car?

It's the Mach-E Auto.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

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It's pretty risky to manscape your testicles with an electric razor.

I guess it takes balls.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

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I headbutted my neighbour’s electric panel.

I now face charges.

An electrical engineer goes into a bar..

..and CLOSES it.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

What did the alcoholic do after he couldn’t afford the electric bill?

He took a shot in the dark!

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

>!But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light! !<

A Frenchman is trying to get information out of an American via electric shocks.

The American says "Please, mercy!"

The Frenchman responds with "Ok", and turns up the voltage.

I'm finally getting some relief from sky high electricity bills.

The power has been out for days, and they don't have a restoration estimate

What do you say when a good electric conductor is living on the streets?

It's ohmless.

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

(True story) I walked into an electric fence

And the result was shocking

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?

It’s called a Voltswagen.

(Credit for this: Alexa this morning)

I wish I had an electric car like a Tesla...

...so I'm pretty Madagascar is all I can afford.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

A man buys his wife an electric blanket

The wife is nervous about sleeping under all the wiring but soon enough she relaxes and drifts off into a contented sleep. Unbeknownst to the husband, the wife had put a pork roast in the oven to cook slowly overnight for next day's dinner. In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up and smells...

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A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

What do electric eels like to swim in?

Fresh Watter

The neighbour ran into an electric cable

That must of hertz.

My friend was explaining electricity

And I was like watt?

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

Never buy a second electric car from Chevy.

It's revolting.

A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor

Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.


-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see an...

4 Engineers get in a car and the AC isn't working.

The mechanical engineer says, "the belt fan motor must not be working."

The electrical engineer says, "the fuse might be blown."

The chemical engineer says, "impurities in the gasoline."

The IT engineer says, "have you tried turning it off and on"

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

What do arsonists and electricity have in common?

They both light up buildings

What’s an electrician’s favorite store?

The electrical outlet!

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, ‟unionized”.

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife to husband by phone:

\- My computer does not work

\- Did you press such a big button?

\- Pressed

\- Is the cord plugged into the socket?

\- Now I'll take a flashlight, I'll take a look ...

\- Why a flashlight?

\- Yes, there is no electricity ...

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!

So an electrical engineer built a house entirely out of resistors.

The welcome mat said Ohm Sweet Ohm.

Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

Water, Electricity and College students all have one thing in common...

They all follow the path of least resistance

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

My friend got zapped from a electric fence

Now he is acting wired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

How many of my mother does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh, no. No, no, you go out and have fun, I’ll just sit here in the dark. No, no, it’s fine. It saves on electricity… that way, I can leave more in my will.

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