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Louis Jokes

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Having cats is kinda like being Louis CK ..

.. you always have an audience to masturbate to.

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

If Marie Antoinette, Anne Boleyn, Charles I, and Louis XVI formed a band, what would its name be?

The Talking Heads.

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky: Louis-ville or Lou-ee-ville?

Frankfort

Louis Vuitton bag

Why is it that a French woman never managed to sell a $80 Louis Vuitton bag in the US?

She kept saying it's $420.

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

They say that King Louis XVI was rather melancholic as he was led to the guillotine

but it is known that after the execution, he was quite beside himself.

A recent study shows that the best place for corporations to do business in the US is St. Louis.

As they say, ..Missouri loves companies.

What did Louis Braille say after he injured his eye with an awl?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

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What is Louis C.K's Favorite Movie?

Free Willy.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

I was dating a girl claiming to be related to King Louis the XVI and got mad

after I declared "so no head?"
Immediately she begins storming off

I think Louis CK has been misunderstood.

He was testing out new material. He just wanted to see whether women would laugh at his junk!

Why did Louis XIV seize possession of an Italian triumph?

To absolutely claim it as, "Mon arch"

Everyone's talking about how inappropriate Louis CK's behavior has been...

...personally, I think he handled himself quite well.

I heard that Louis CK is trying to make a comeback.

You think he'll pull it off?

What are Louis CK’s after parties called?

Meet and beats

Why did Louis XVI flee the revolution?

He felt a bit guillotine

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What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

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What's the difference between Louis CK and a homeless man.

The homeless man doesn't ask if it's ok to masturbate in front of you

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

Yesterday, I went to a Louis Vuitton showroom with my wife

I was shocked to find that my salary was printed on a shoe

There's no point in charging Louis CK now

He's already gotten off

Why doesn’t Louis C.K. grill by himself?

Because he likes it when people watch him pull his pork.

Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

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Super man was flying over metropolis and saw Louis Lane (nsfw)

Laying on her roof naked. Super man thought “I’m so fast I can fly down get me a little Yoo-hoo from my lady love and be gone before anyone sees me.” So Superman does just that, flys down gets him some action, kisses her on the cheek and flys off before anyone knows he is there. Louis being totally...

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

Girl are you a Louis Vuitton store?

Because I've never been inside you and probably never will unless I'm rich one day.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

When Joe Louis was asked who had hit him the hardest during his boxing career, he replied,

“That’s easy—Uncle Sam!”

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

What did the pirate Louis Riel say to the villagers?

Yarrrrrrr Metis!

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Louis CK came into my dressing room and I told him to beat it! Not what I expected...

He left.

My friend asked me if there were famous NSFW parts of historical eras

I said that there weren’t many famous cases, except for the time Robespierre got head from King Louis XVI in front of all of Paris.

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Remember Louis C.K.’s joke about how you can assess how bad a person is by how soon after a tragedy they first masturbate?

I wonder if he’s masturbating right now.

Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhap...

Is it true that the inventor of fractions was...

...Louis the 1/16th?

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In St. Louis right now, thought this was appropriate: How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

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What do you call a very expensive switch ?

a Louis Button...





I'm so sorry

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

Who is the smallest Jazz musician?

Louis Angstrom.

It's not a repost AFAIK, if one person laughed I'm happy

Redditor vs Reposts

Louis is sick and tired of always seeing reposted jokes on Reddit. He decides to ask a local comedian for a few of his own unique jokes.

"Mr. Comedian, please could you tell me your finest, funniest, made up jokes, so that i can share them online later?"

The comedian replies
"Knock...

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking their history final then, they...

A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long]

A man is in court.

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect
any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."

Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."

Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

What do you call a really fancy stick?

A Louis baton.

I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty

Louis XVI, specifically

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Hitler, Stalin, and COVID were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

COVID says "NONSENSE! I've kept everyone in quarantine for 6 months, ruined global economy, and killed hundreds of thousands of people. I am the most hate...

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I found my new favorite sexual position.

It's called The JFK. It's when you explode all over a woman while she is screaming and trying to open the car door.

You can do it in a hotel room, as well, but then you call it The Louis C.K.

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so a duck walks into a bar...

so a duck walks into a bar at 11am aand sits down. The bar keep comes over and says "what will it be? the duck replies " I will have a double whiskey on the rocks" the bar keep is suprised and asks "what's your name and what have you been up to all day? the duck replies "my name is huey, and I have ...

All exposure is good exposure.

-Louis C K

Football joke

How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

Paint an endzone on it.

Who do you call when the church has bacteria?

Pasteur Louis

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."


So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 ...

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An old Jew is sitting on a park bench

reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"

Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people....

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

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Why did Pinocchio tell lies?

Because he was a fucking liar!

-from Louis CK's AMA-

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

Funny comeback from a student

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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