Boston Jokes - 82 Hilarious Boston Jokes

Why are there so many people in Boston?

They’re Mass-produced

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?

5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth...

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as do...

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A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want".
The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably kill...

A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.

So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

How does a guy from Boston ask his minister to pass him the spaghetti at dinner?

"Pastah pastah pastah."

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers

Why do the British pronounce it "Bri'ish"?

Because the Americans dumped the T in Boston Harbor.

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a ...

Today, my math teacher from Boston made fun of me for having a lisp.

What a mathole!!!

Do you want to hear a joke about the Boston Marathon?

Never mind. I'll never finish it.

I studied at Boston University

Now I'm smaat

How did the cat win the Boston Marathon?

He was a cheatah.

I told my friend in Boston that I was autistic.

He said “so can you drawr me a Pictsha?”

Who had the tea party during the boston tea party?

The fish

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

“I came here on the bus,” she says, “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When the...

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A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

Who is a Boston Terrier’s favorite classical composer?

Bach

What does a pirate from Boston say?

Aaahhh.

What does a Boston Majorette do with their baton?

Toilet

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party.

His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor. She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.

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Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

200 Crows Were Found Dead Near Boston

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority recently found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston. Everyone involved was concerned that these crows might have died from Avian Flu, so they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows. To everyone's relief, it was determined t...

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A young married woman and an older married woman sitting together on a train from Boston to New York.

As sometimes happens with strangers in such an environment, they began to discuss highly personal matters.

As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasms?”

“No,” replied the older lady, “I think we h...

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

How do you know when a man from Boston is aroused?

He'll have a hat on.

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

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What's difference between Hitler and the Boston Marathon Bomber?

The bomber successfully stopped a race

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What do the Boston Bombers and Hitler have in common

Both tried to end a race

I named my cat Boston

he's more than a feline.

[Original] Boston roommate.

My roommate's from Boston. This morning, he's still in the house after I got up.

"Aren't you late for work?", I asked.

"Yeah, I'm looking for my khakis"

"Look for them when you get back"

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to get in my car?"

Why can't people from Boston become pirates?

Because they don't pronounce their Arrs!

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Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off.

Trying to remember the name of that 80's sitcom set in a bar in Boston

If anybody can help me out that would be great.

Cheers.

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.

I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.

Why did the sheep go to Boston?

To drink at the Bahs.

I’ve never met a racist person from Boston

Or at least I’ve never heard them use a hard R

My cat isn’t a huge Boston Legal fan.

She doesn’t like that James Spader.

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

I killed the Boston Strangler and took his jewelry stash

Thanks for the gold kind strangler!

the latest news from the boston bombing

authorities think it was race related.

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

What does the winner of the Boston Marathon lose?

His breath.

I used to own a Raven in Boston

It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"

A few years ago, in the Boston area,

A large number of crows were found dead on the sides of the road. Ornithologists, were afraid of a new strain of Avian Flu, so they collected a few bodies to perform autopsies on. They ended up finding paint chips on every single one of the birds, so they analyzed them, and found that they were fro...

What do you call thrift shopping in Boston?

Good Will hunting

Did you hear about the Boston chef who died?

They could not find the sauce of his illness

Crows in Boston are dying

The city of Boston has a problem with crows. They are dying by the thousands and the roadways are littered with the carcasses. The problem is only getting worse. Massachusetts' Dept. of Environmental Protection just completed a study of the problem. The crows are being killed when they are struck by...

What do a chicken and a Boston dog have in common?

They both bawk!

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?

So they can't drive home.

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday.

"I come here every Friday to get scrod!"

"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense."

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If a guy from Boston ever asks if you want to smoke a hookah be careful

You might end up shooting a prostitute.

Bill Cosby awarded another honorary degree from Boston University,

this time is was Anesthesiology.

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

Why do boston carpenters get slapped by women?

Because they want to show women their caulk

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

People from Boston will never forget that Shaquille O'Neal is hosting Shark Week this year.

They love Shaq Week.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Correct answer

The renowned logician, S. F. X. Van Dusen, was walking home through the warren of streets that was late-Victorian Boston when he was accosted by a stranger.

"Can you tell me how to get to the First Presbyterian Church?" he asked.

"Yes," replied the scientist, smiling benevolently, and ...

What is it called when a basketball player from Boston attacks you in the ocean?

A Shaq attack

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell “cah, cah,” but not “bus, bus.”

A man decides he wants to try the Boston seafood specialty of scrod

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said the c...

While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings

I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.

How do genetically engineered car salesmen from Boston greet their customers?

Hey, gattaca? GATTACA?

The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it.

They called it Tuesday.

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

The scrod joke

A man flies into Boston for a work trip. He’s been excited about this trip for a while because it means he’ll get to eat scrod, his favorite meal. This is a rare opportunity as he can’t get it where he’s from since he lives too far from the coast. So he’s really looking forward to eating some fresh ...

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

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