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Dallas Jokes

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There once was a woman from Dallas

Who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive hooker. She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

The NFL should start showing Dallas Cowboys games on the history channel

Because their fans always love to talk about the past

What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?

The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

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I call my dick "the Dallas Cowboys"

Because it can't last a day without getting beat, it doesn't have any rings on it, and it disappoints everybody who wants to look at it.

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

Aboard the Shuttle Flight Out of Dallas

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his to...

Never by a blanket from the Dallas Cowboys secondary...

...they can't cover anybody!

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at h...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

Eventually the baby stops crying

Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?

The Cowboys Stadium.

Because they can't catch anything there.

What’s a hand job in Dallas called?

A Texas hold ‘em

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

They can both make crowds of 100,000 stand up and yell Jesus.

How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb?

They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.

Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys is the most authentic fan experience in sports.

Just like them, you too can watch the playoffs from the comfort of your couch at home.

The Dallas Cowboys are indeed America’s team.

They shut down when it matters most.

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A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. W...

What do you call 50 men watching the Superbowl?

The Dallas Cowboys.

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

NSFW What is the difference between the X Games and the Dallas Cowboy's cheerleaders?

The X Games is a group of Cunning Stunts.

Last time I was working in Dallas, I had picked up these two girls on Uber.

They were talking about sight seeing and various landmarks when we pulled up next to a older brick building that had huge windows at a red light. I noticed the building was empty inside, like it had been cleared and renovated but not occupied. So I pointed it out and told the girls it was the Dallas...

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Why don't Dallas Cowboy fans

take their wives to the football games?

'Cause they jump the fence and eat the grass.

Whats the best part of dating a Dallas Cheerleader?

You know she never expects to get a ring

I recently drove through Dallas in a Lincoln Continental

The guy in the back was really nervous for some reason.

I saw a sad Dallas Cowboys fan at the bar, so I bought him a beer and asked him what's wrong...

"See, it's like this, sir... I found a lamp at the beach, an' when I rubbed it, a big genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. It really was sumpthin', I tells ya. Anyhow, He says 'You have three wishes'... and well, I'm not good at thinkin' on my feet, and under pressure, so I kinda said 'Gee, I wish ...

Why did the Indian restaurant in Dallas have al fresco seating?

Because Texas is an open curry state.

What do the Dallas Cowboys and vaping have in common?

They both can't beat a pack

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?

Both, don't deliver on Sundays.

The funny thing about Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the ju...

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Female Cowboys fans

Why is it considered safe to date a girl who’s a Dallas Cowboys fan?

Because she will never expect a ring!

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Dallas?

They woke him up.

An Old Lady buying Boots for a Texan

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker

Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why.

He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front ...

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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

I knew a friend that went to Texas and didn't enjoy her stay there.

Told me it was Dallas time she ever goes there again.

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

this terrible day in American history

always reminds me of this dark humor line: "Other than *that* , Mrs Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?"

Mile high club

A couple traveling to Dallas on a plane want to join the mile high club. They can’t figure out how to do it without drawing attention.

Finally the woman sits on mans lap and has him fully inserted. She leans forward to the person in front of them and says “are you going to Dallas” they say y...

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

Four college friends

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.<...

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied “What poster?” after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shou...

Earring no tales

Im on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat. Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear. No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new acces...

A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing

The judge asks "would you like to live with your mom?"

The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, "No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!"

The judge, taken aback a bit, says, "We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him."

"No!" The littl...

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Sports Teams should be named for what their city is famous for

For example: Dallas is known for cowboys, San Francisco was the place for the miners, 49ers, to bring their gold and claims, Islignton was famous as being home of the Artillery Regiment, thus "Arsenal," Milwauke HAD brewing.

Washington should change their name to "Senators," and Cleveland cou...

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

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Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, bu...

Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?

The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

Two parents are getting a divorce...

The judge gets to the point in which custody of their only daughter should be decided, he begins by asking her

"Do you want to live with your daddy?"

she replies, "No, he beats me"

the judge then asks, "Do you want to live with your mommy?"

she replies, "No, she beats me"...

An 80-year-old Texas farmer

goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I...

A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

“Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol’ Cadillac, start ‘er on...

best joke ever!

The Dallas Cowboys.

"She's a Veterinarian."

Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her.
“Mrs. Smythe, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'”
“Why yes,” she...

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Some truckers have a dog for company...

A trucker is driving West across Texas, haulin' a trailer full of chickens, with his pet parrot in the cab. While driving through Dallas he sees a beautiful woman on the side of road, leg hiked up, thumb out. He stops and looks at her. "Where ya headed?" He asks. "Headed to California." She says gra...

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I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country

A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ...

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TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

So a wealthy Texan's son is getting married...

...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes.

The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and s...

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl

After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

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A clown late for the circus.

There's a big circus show going on in Dallas, Texas one evening. One of the clowns, however, is running late to the show. He quickly puts on his clown uniform, and jumps into his car. He floors the gas, traveling down the highway at breakneck speed hoping to get to the show in time.

Unfortuna...

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