What is the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.

Last week I went to the AT&T headquarters in Dallas to file a formal complaint about their poor wireless coverage

When I walked into the lobby no one was there. There was a front desk with a few phones and computers. Taped to the back of one of the monitors was a note:

"Currently no receptionist in this area"

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get...

I recently drove through Dallas in a Lincoln Continental

The guy in the back was really nervous for some reason.

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."


The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."


They both look d...

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

Why did the Indian restaurant in Dallas have al fresco seating?

Because Texas is an open curry state.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him...

Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?

The Cowboys Stadium.

Because they can't catch anything there.

Whats the best part of dating a Dallas Cheerleader?

You know she never expects to get a ring

What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?

The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?

Both, don't deliver on Sundays.

Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb?

They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. W...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at h...

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common?

Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

Yesterday, radical Islamists attacked an art gallery near Dallas that mocked Muhammad. Police managed to shoot and kill the terrorists.

My favorite drawings of Muhammad at the exhibit were the two chalk outlines out front.

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Dallas?

They woke him up.

What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

Eventually the baby stops crying

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

Mile high club

A couple traveling to Dallas on a plane want to join the mile high club. They can’t figure out how to do it without drawing attention.

Finally the woman sits on mans lap and has him fully inserted. She leans forward to the person in front of them and says “are you going to Dallas” they say y...

A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

“Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol’ Cadillac, start ‘er on...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

An 80-year-old Texas farmer

goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I’m from Texas, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish”, says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I...

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the ju...

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
...

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Limerick Time: Alice

There once was a woman named Alice,
Who used a TNT stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And her titties in Phoenix and Dallas.

I knew a friend that went to Texas and didn't enjoy her stay there.

Told me it was Dallas time she ever goes there again.

Four college friends

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.<...

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Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and...

While we're in the business of Texas jokes...

A blind man decides to take a vacation. After talking to a few friends, he is convinced that he should visit Texas. He books his flight and soon after heads to the airport. He gets on the plane, and while finding his seat exclaims "Wow, these seats are much larger than normal!" One of the flight att...

What do you get when you cross the CIA and the Republican Party?

Shot in the head in Dallas.

"She's a Veterinarian."

Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her.
“Mrs. Smythe, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'”
“Why yes,” she...

What Do you call 20 Millionaires watching the Superbowl?

The Dallas Cowboys

Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?

The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

A blind man goes on vacation

A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in.

"Wow, this seat...

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Topical Jokes for 10/26

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Dallas, a man was arrested after he attacked a man in a pink shirt, while shouting homophobic slurs. Because what could be less gay than freaking out over another man’s outfit?

In California, a man robbed a conve...

Two parents are getting a divorce...

The judge gets to the point in which custody of their only daughter should be decided, he begins by asking her

"Do you want to live with your daddy?"

she replies, "No, he beats me"

the judge then asks, "Do you want to live with your mommy?"

she replies, "No, she beats me"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country

A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ...

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A clown late for the circus.

There's a big circus show going on in Dallas, Texas one evening. One of the clowns, however, is running late to the show. He quickly puts on his clown uniform, and jumps into his car. He floors the gas, traveling down the highway at breakneck speed hoping to get to the show in time.

Unfortuna...

So a wealthy Texan's son is getting married...

...and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother's ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes.

The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and s...

best joke ever!

The Dallas Cowboys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some truckers have a dog for company...

A trucker is driving West across Texas, haulin' a trailer full of chickens, with his pet parrot in the cab. While driving through Dallas he sees a beautiful woman on the side of road, leg hiked up, thumb out. He stops and looks at her. "Where ya headed?" He asks. "Headed to California." She says gra...