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Detroit Jokes

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard.

Put up goal posts.

And I'm a lions fan. For some damn reason.

I was driving in Michigan and saw a sign at the border in Detroit that said “Canada Dry.”

I really wanted a drink, so I turned around and went home.

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A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

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A woman and her 10 year old son are driving in a taxi at night in Detroit…

It’s raining hard and and all the prostitutes are huddled under an awning. The young boy asks his mom, “what are those ladies doing?” The mom responds, “they’re all waiting for their husbands to get off work.”

The taxi driver is annoyed and responds, “Lady, just tell your son the truth! Th...

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

What do possums and the Detroit Tigers have in common?

Both play dead at home & get killed on the road.

I would say the NFL football team from Detroit is the greatest football team of all time

But I’d be Lion.

What was left in CVS after the Detroit riots?

Condoms and father day cards.

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A plane is on its way to Detroit

when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm bl...

What did the Detroit Lions fan say when they won the super bowl?

“Why, why did you wake me up? I was having such a nice dream!”

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Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time...

The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson.

Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team.

In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.

In Detroit, you ignore both.

A Seattle Mariners fan, a Detroit Tigers fan, a Boston Red Sox fan, and a New York Yankees fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for Detroit!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up ...

A plague wiped out every city on earth except for Detroit...

Because in Detroit everyone gets a shot

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

What's the difference between Syria, and Detroit?

How you get stoned.

Eminem walked into a bar with a rare parrot - a blue-throated macaw - on his shoulder

The bartender says “hey, that’s really cool - where did you get it?”

The parrot said, “Detroit”

TIL in 1954 the Detroit Red Wings held an exhibition match against inmates at Marquette prison.

The game had its pros and cons.

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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

When Transformers was filmed in Detroit

Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

What do Billy Graham and the Detroit Lions have in common?

Both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell, "JESUS CHRIST!"

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

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A Kindergarten teacher in Detroit asks her class what sound a pig makes...

A boy in the back of the class stands up and yells, "FREEZE MOTHA FUCKA"

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In which city you will only find urinals in men's toilet?

Detroit, cause you can't get shit in Detroit.

Good news for Detroit - a major TV show just signed to do filming there!

Unfortunately, it's Survivor.

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

Detroit

This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for Detroit.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferr...

What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common?

You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running

Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit?

All the pairs of floating eyes

I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

Henry Ford owned a brothel

He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.

Assembly line

John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

There was once a blonde woman.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied,...

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What’s the worst part about being a constipated Lions fan?

Can’t have a shit in Detroit

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Police training

2 FBI agents, 2 state troopers, and 2 Detroit cops are sent out to the woods for training.

At the end of the training, the instructor tells the class he’s going to release a rabbit and they are to track it, capture it, and bring it back.

First, a rabbit is released for the FBI agents, ...

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Do you want to know what happened to the guy who tried watching Two Girls One Cup on his trip to Michigan?

He couldn't watch it. Can't have shit in Detroit.

Not a Latvian joke

Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Also is cold.

Regret immigrate to Detroit.

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Life without farms.

The teacher asked "What sound do pigs make?"

Little Tyrone stood up and said
"FREEZE MOTHA FUCKER!"

I guess there's not many farms in Detroit.

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I once went to Michigan for Holiday.

Fuckers stole the punchline. Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

“Who’s your daddy?”

A roleplay exercise in Alabama, a serious question in Detroit.

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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

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Every time I leave my house, someone steals all of my fertilizer.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

WW3 breaks out and Russia invades America

Russian soldiers take the country side while Russian bombers obliterate American cities.
One day a Russian bomber squad is flying to the one city they've yet to bomb which is Detroit.
The pilot sees the city and says
"We've already bombed this city"
"No we haven't" the commander replies...

My grandpa has the heart of a lion

He's not allowed back into the Detroit Zoo.

Did you know that shot sizes are different in different places?

In most of the US it's usually 50mL but in Detroit it's usually 9mm.

Things you can buy for a $1

A can of Arizona Iced Tea, a house in Detroit, and a year of Donald Trump's Presidency

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A teacher asks her class what noise a pig makes...

Lil Tyrone raises his hand and says "Freeze mothafucka!"

I guess there aren't any farms in Detroit.

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