Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

The Detroit Lions announced that they’re releasing their running back, Kerryon Johnson.

Needless to say, he will not Kerryon with the team.

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Detroit today?

He woke up a half hour later

In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.

In Detroit, you ignore both.

Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?

Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

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Why are so many people constipated in Michigan?

Cause you can't have a shit in Detroit

A man from Michigan passes away

When he gets to Heaven he has to go into Saint Peter's office in order to be processed. Inside the office, the man notices that Saint Peter has various clocks, that have the names of American cities, all spinning at a different speed.

"What are these clocks for?" The bewildered man asks Saint...

A Seattle Mariners fan, a Detroit Tigers fan, a Boston Red Sox fan, and a New York Yankees fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for Detroit!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up ...

One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.

A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”

The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thurs...

How would Jesus die if he was born in Detroit?

In a crossfire.

A plague wiped out every city on earth except for Detroit...

Because in Detroit everyone gets a shot

I took my pie to Detroit, Nebraska and Alabama

My math teacher said that for pie to work take it to 3 dismal places.

What was left in CVS after the Detroit riots?

Condoms and father day cards.

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

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A plane is on its way to Detroit

when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm bl...

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

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A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

TIL in 1954 the Detroit Red Wings held an exhibition match against inmates at Marquette prison.

The game had its pros and cons.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

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Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time...

When Transformers was filmed in Detroit

Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings

I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common?

You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running

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I once went to Michigan for Holiday.

Fuckers stole the punchline. Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?

Because they heard there were no jobs there.

What's the difference between Syria, and Detroit?

How you get stoned.

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A Kindergarten teacher in Detroit asks her class what sound a pig makes...

A boy in the back of the class stands up and yells, "FREEZE MOTHA FUCKA"

Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit?

All the pairs of floating eyes

Some people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates.

A group of people from Detroit walk up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is confused, as no one from Detroit has ever arrived there. He leaves to speak to God.

"There are some people from Detroit here. What should I do?"

God thinks for a moment. "The usual, I suppose. Ask what they've d...

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I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

What do Billy Graham and the Detroit Lions have in common?

Both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell, "JESUS CHRIST!"

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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

When Bob Seger was an up-and-coming musician in Detroit...

He used to celebrate a successful gig by going out to eat at this popular fusion restaurant in town that did a blend of Moroccan and Thai food. All the Detroit elites dined there, and their menu had all kinds of exotic dishes from Thailand and Morocco. But Seger, being a working-class guy, loved the...

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Every time I leave my house, someone steals all of my fertilizer.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

Detroit

This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for Detroit.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy
took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferr...

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

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Police training

2 FBI agents, 2 state troopers, and 2 Detroit cops are sent out to the woods for training.

At the end of the training, the instructor tells the class he’s going to release a rabbit and they are to track it, capture it, and bring it back.

First, a rabbit is released for the FBI agents, ...

There was once a blonde woman.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied,...

“Who’s your daddy?”

A roleplay exercise in Alabama, a serious question in Detroit.

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Life without farms.

The teacher asked "What sound do pigs make?"

Little Tyrone stood up and said
"FREEZE MOTHA FUCKER!"

I guess there's not many farms in Detroit.

What is mark zuckerbergs favorite videogame

Detroit become human

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Little Johnnie

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
All of the class but Little Johnny had answered.
The teacher called on Johnny and he slowly walk to the fron...

What is the most pointless thing in the world?

Father's Day in Detroit.

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A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

The story of Tyrone

When he was in school none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness. However, no one disliked him as much as his teacher who was always telling him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day Tyrone's mother came to the school to check on her son, and his teacher t...

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Man from Italy tells story about visit to America:

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you s...

Not a Latvian joke

Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Also is cold.

Regret immigrate to Detroit.

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and te...

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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion

He's not allowed back into the Detroit Zoo.

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f...

Did you know that shot sizes are different in different places?

In most of the US it's usually 50mL but in Detroit it's usually 9mm.

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A teacher asks her class what noise a pig makes...

Lil Tyrone raises his hand and says "Freeze mothafucka!"

I guess there aren't any farms in Detroit.

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New brothel

In Detroit, brothels are now automatized. One puts twenty dollars in a slot and a door opens.

A politician decides to have a go. He puts in the twenty bucks and the door opens.

He finds himself in a corridor with two doors: one reads "Blonde", the other reads "Brunette".

He ch...

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Quick thinking

A young man is working in the produce department of a grocery store. An elderly man comes to the store one day, and asks the young man what the price of half of a head of lettuce is.

"I'm sorry sir, but we only sell full heads of lettuce," the young man explains.

The older man ...

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