Loss Jokes - 82 Hilarious Loss Jokes

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

Hearing Loss Symptoms

Worried he was losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.

The doctor asked, "please describe the symptoms".

"Well, he's bald and overweight and she's tall with blue hair."

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I've read that excessive causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

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Do you know that too much can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

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and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."

He called the company & lady said..
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u me!" & the girl started run...

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

My doctor said I had high blood pressure and short term memory loss…

At least I don’t have high blood pressure!

I attribute my loss of memory to both age, and smoking marijuana.

Or maybe a combination of all three?

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Suspicious loss

An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.

Do you know what I hate most about memory loss?

I forgot

Hair loss competition

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

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Having too much can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much can actually lead to memory loss!

How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to...

I'm sorry, where was I?

There was an old man who was diagnosed with hearing loss

Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. Sooner or later he couldn't hear much at all. He explained to his wife the doctor told him the only phrase he'll still hear is "I love you". For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". From early morning to late at night his ...

My friend told me had hearing loss in his right ear. I said, "are you certain?"

And he said, "yes. I'm definite."

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

Weight Loss

Around 20 years ago, I lost 200 lbs in 1 day.
Yea, I divorced her

Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer?

He said he wanted to be a little thinner.

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft !"

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Easy weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.

Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years

So to cheer myself up I got a puppy

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

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Did you know people who put concrete in their get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

What did Czechia have to say about Russian losses in Ukraine?

"Czechmate Russia".

The memory loss joke

This is a joke that ive heard a few times before but I don't think many found out about it:

Brother: Sorry about your memory loss. Hope you get it back."

Sister: "Eh, I'll forget about it."

Memory loss (Long)

A man and his wife are growing older, and the doctor tells them their memory isn't that great. He tells them they should start writing things down to remember better. At home, the wife asks for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. She tells her husband to write it down, to which he responds that ...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"

"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you...

After an embarrassing loss, the coach announced to the players:

“When I told you to play like you have never played before, i did not mean that you should play like you have never *played* before!”

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

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My friend told me excessive can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

Cell Phone Loss

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

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Hey buddy, I heard your pops died. I’m sorry for your loss. What happened?

Buddy: overdose

Me: …it must’ve been really hard for your mother

QUICK WEIGHT LOSS

I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.

Smoking promotes weight loss

..eventually

Fun fact: Having friends gives you memory loss.

I read this in a textbook on page 53 at 4:37 PM on Friday May 12, 2006

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

Short term memory loss

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”

The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

A symptom of covid is loss of taste

My friend should get tested, he dresses terribly

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

Homeopathy weight loss tip:

Drink diluted water.

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

Doctor: I'm so sorry for your loss..

Me: w-what are you saying?

Doctor: ..of hearing.

Me: what?

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem

Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem

Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?

Man: What problem?

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

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My weight loss secret? I stopped drinking.

Butter.

"Have I ever told you my sudden hearing loss story?"

"Well you see there was a man who-" *cut of suddenly and keep moving your mouth like you're still talking*

8 years ago Neil Armstrong died, such a loss for mankind.

My Apollo-gies to his family.

"I'm sorry for the loss of your dog."

Then I picked up her puppy and ran away.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss?

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

My mom suffers from short-term memory loss

I hope it's nothing genetic because I'm worried since my mom suffers from short-term memory loss

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now...

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

The weight loss program

A man wants to lose his beer belly, so he signs up for a free weight loss program he read about online.

On the first day, he hears a knock at his door. He answers it, and sees an extremely attractive woman standing there.

"If you catch me, you get to keep me," says the woman.

So...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

They say that loss of taste is an early sign of the virus.

I'm not worried at this point in that I still have a bitter taste in my mouth from the last several years of watching Michigan football.

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TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

Devastating loss for the medical world

Devastating.
A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. ...

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