*Destruction: 100*

Wife: I’m pregnant

Me: Hey pregnant, I’m dad

Wife: No you’re not

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...

How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.

The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim.

The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.

LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:


It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.


Edit* changed were to are

Weapons of mass destruction

Reporter: Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?

USA: Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Reporter: Why did you attack Syria now?

USA: Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Reporter: Why didn't you attack North Korea then?
<...

What's the key to destruction?

Anarchy.

My dad's puns are so bad, they could kill anyone who hears them.

He calls them his weapuns of mass destruction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Polish patriot finds a magic lamp...

As he begins to wipe it off, a genie appears. The genie thanks him for setting him free, and grants him three wishes.

The patriot thinks carefully, and then says: "I want the Mongol hoards to sack Warsaw, and then march home!"

The genie doesn't understand, but a promise is a promise...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
...

At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destructio...

What do you call a grenade dropped in a church?

A weapon of Mass destruction

Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby?

He was accused of wreckless driving.

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...

&#x200B;

...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

A drunk man wanders into a bar...

One day, a drunk man went into a bar. When the bartender asked the drunk what he wanted, the man just said, "I'm Jesus Christ!" The bartender said, "No, you're not, now what do you want to drink?" So the drunk just ordered a beer.

After being kicked out of the bar for destruction of property,...

A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings...

Such pointless wonton destruction.

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

What happened when the cow jumped over the moon?

Udder destruction.

I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What a great gift - a Tazer

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra ...

First God created the world

Then he created all the plants and creatures upon it, and thereafter did he create man in his own image. Seeing that man was clever, God invented the alphabet and gave it to man for his use. But lo, God's alphabet had only 24 letters within it, and man was sorely angry, being unable to write some of...

What do you call a cow that can’t jump a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bear and A Rabbit

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish tha...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.

He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.

[Dark Humor]Why is suicide illegal?

Destruction of government property.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a dildo with a nuke?

A weapon of ass destruction

I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food

It was an act of won ton destruction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pillsbury Doughboy

So, the Pillsbury Doughboy was walking down the street one day minding his own business when Woody from Toystory happens upon him. The two recognize each other and say hello, and have a little chat. As the pair were saying their good byes, Woody asks "Can I poke your belly." Doughboy says "I would r...

What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

I just tore a dumpling in half

It was wonton destruction

Morality Test

Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only y...

A man walks into the doctor's office...

Doctor: "Thanks for meeting with me, James. I've run some tests and it's not looking good."

James: "Oh."

Doctor: "You're on a path of self-destruction. The constant alcohol and tobacco abuse has taken a serious toll on your health. You *need* to cut back or your lifespan will be greatl...

Bar vs Church

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Praye...

I can never understand why Xenophobia is considered ignorant...

Given their immense potential for death and destruction, I personally find the fear of Xenomorphs to be perfectly sensible.

How did the musician destroy the church?

By using instruments of mass-destruction

The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights.

They're capable of math destruction.

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

Darth Vader...

Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.

He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

And says to the bartender "Hey buddy, if I show you something truly **amazing**, will ya give me a free drink?"

The bartender looks around, and seeing how its an insanely slow day, and he's bored out of his wits cleaning glasses all day, says "Sure, why the hell not? But it has to be **amazin...

Wants to feel like a woman one last time before her plane crashes...

One day, there was a reasonably attractive woman on board an airliner that just so happened to be crashing.
As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can't help her need to feel like a woman one last time.
"Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one...

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
Panty dropper for sure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Adam and Sarah partyed all night....

And in the morning, it was saturday and they had to go to sunday school.
Adam was wide awake but sarah was still hella tired.
They get there and Sarah immediately fell asleep as soon as the priest started talking. He eventually decided to give a pop quiz. He asked the first question.
"Wh...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a wooden spoon in the bedroom

A weapon of ass destruction

Did you hear about the guy who burnt down the Chinese restaurant?

He was charged with won ton destruction

^^*cue* ^^*groan*

An ancient Chinese story

Long ago in ancient China, the Wong brothers ruled 2 kingdoms, side by side. Life was well, until a neighboring kingdom decided to invade both the brother's domains. Citizens were killed and villages were burned to the ground.

Desperate, the brothers turned to magic. Meeting up, they devised...